Here's to you "DUE" my future Son-In-Law

TPG and I are getting our new mobile phone today. I spent most of my yesterday "working" and downloading a lot of my pics from the phone to my photobook account. It was nostalgic looking back over the past 2 years of memories in GG's life. Then there was this little shit-head boy in a lot of my pics. His name is Drew and he's my future Son-In-Law. His father is TPG best friend since they were 4 years old. Those two are as "thick as thieves" someone one said and now we are raising our children together.

Drew's father we'll call "Dickhead" because he was a drunken asshole at their class reunion this past weekend, is a single father. It's hard to be a single parent these days & Dickhead doing well, as well as can be expected! We spend a lot of time with them and GG & Drew are big buddies. In the past few weeks Drew has been fascinated with showing everyone his wiener. GG is no exception but when she saw his little mini she gave him a very disappointed "raspberry" and continued on playing. It was hysterical....but I know one day she may actually be giving that thing "raspberries". I always mess with the children's fathers but telling them that one day "those two are going to have sex". For some reason, it's just not as funny to then as it is to me!

So here's a few of the photo's of Drew & GG. One day we'll all look back & I'll say...... "I told you my she was going to marry a dickhead"!

And finally, here is The Pepsi Guy and Dickhead. Still together after 24 years!

(L-Thick, R-Thief)

***WARNING.....NC-17*** regarding Tinker Bell

This post is not going to be pretty. I am completely infuriated and I can't type these words fast enough!

*deep breath*

GG is turning 2 years old on Sunday. I know this isn't a big deal to most people but to us...it kind of is! She is my only child and I give her the world! We have planned to have her birthday party on Sunday. Mostly because of other unavoidable arranged, out of town plans for Saturday but also because it's actually on her birthday. Last years party was completely ridiculous! There must have been 50 people or more and 25 of them were under the age of six and 99% were family. We still had a great time even though the temperature nearly peeked 100 degrees. This year I decided to go about things differently. The list if invites has been drastically reduced but unfortunately, the cost has still remained the same.

Our 2nd birthday party theme is that of "Stink Bell" as GG would say. She is starting to get into the whole Tinker Bell thing which makes me very happy because I hate the damn Disney Princesses! We orderd the decorations from here, made "fairy dust" for the girls and got the boys pirate eye patches as little handouts, made tink & jolly roger name badges for everyone and I even handmade the party invitations, which were the CUTEST (fairy dust included). While on my GF's Get-Away to Chicago, I got GG & I matching Mommy & me Tinker Bell shirts to wear for this party. You could say that I've put some time & effort into this party. Don't get me wrong, it's been fun, I like to do this sort of thing and of course I've been getting paid too. That's because every thing has planned, printed, ordered and mailed at what most people would call "work". As I already mentioned, the party list has been drastically cut. It's almost like a red carpet event of the "Who's Who" in GG's world. So if you got the invite then you must have been pretty special considering a few people have already commented to TPG about not receiving theirs in the mail! This comes to the reason as to why I am completely PISSED!

We mailed out 16 invitations, which included three sets of grandparents and on set of great-grandparents. Breaking it down to more realistic numbers ......6 kids from TPG's side of the family and 5 kids from my side. There was also one mutual friend which is also GG's future husband ...... "Due"as she call him.

GG & Drew Halloween 2007

So can you guess how many of the invites are actually coming? Let me narrow it down for you ...... ZERO from The Pepsi Guy's family besides he's parents which are totally "Rock On", Great Grandma Daisy and "Badd" his brother. Everyone from my side is attending with the exception of 3 kids (siblings) whom called the day of invite arrived in the mail to tell is they couldn't make it, but also asked that if Tinker Bell came to blow her a kiss. I mean seriously...... Mr. BIGWOOD himself is actually attending and I haven't deliberately spoken to him since..... a really long time, at least it seems like that!

I'm not saying my family is so great & perfect..... lord knows they can be a bunch of assholes too..... sometimes....okay just Nicholas......SERIOUSLY JUST NICHOLAS! TPG is one of two boys and my in-laws are wonderful, truly wonderful people who are always there for us & especially GG. But TPG is seriously pissed about the rest of his family. Do you know that in the past year we went to 6 different birthday parties and spent well over $200 in gifts? That's 6 parties = 6 wasted Saturdays and $200 = wasted. Don't get me wrong, it's not about the gifts at all, it's not like she's hurting for toy. We're talking about an only child who has a complete & fully stocked PLAY ROOM for F**KS SAKE!

Christmas 2007

The point being made is .... we always go to the "OTHER" parties because we are invited and feel obligated because we know we'll have a party too. But guess what......don't waste your money on postage to the Guru's House. If we receive another party invitation for ANYTHING ..... I'm seriously hoping it burst into flames.....or better yet, I'll light it on fire mydamnself! So with all the money we're going to be saving boycotting birthday parties....... I'm thinking a Disney Cruise for GG's BIG ...... 3!

I bet they FORGOT they nominated our house for Thanksgiving diner.....AGAIN. Maybe I'll conveniently forget to invite them!

Bunch of assholes ..... fuck you and your invites.

Who wears the pants around here .....

They may be slightly larger and longer but they are definitely MY PANTS!!!!
* I can only say this because TPG doesn't read my blog*

Isn't it fun to play the game with your significant other ..... you know the game where "they think their making all the decisions but you conscientiously PERSUADE them to your way of thinking & they don't even know it"? We just recently started playing this game because the other game of "let me ask your opinion and then ultimately choose the opposite of what you said" got old & he finally caught on!

As you already know, we had a little mishap regarding GG trying to give our love seat a "perm". (thanks Malea). The few days prior to the purchase of new furniture, TPG had began to show of obvious signs of OCD. I began to notice how he could no longer pass the tarnished furnishing without stopping to take a closer look, reminding GG that what she had done wasn't nice and how now it's very ugly. I had to put an end to his misery when GG began to pick up his newest traits. I think her theatrical performance of "Oh no Ma'ma look. Nasty! UGLY! I did it!" was some what rehearsed but well worth his time.

Our Elder Beerman shopping experience was nothing short of hysterical. We briefly searched a few other locations but ended up with a final purchase of a brand spanking new living room suit from Value City Furniture. However they should seriously consider a name change to "City Furniture" because the Value as in PRICE wasn't any better then most places. We were drawn in by the larger selection and 1/2 price clearance signs in the window (so he thinks) but as you know we were headed there all along (because I said so). It was so wonderful to see TPG and GG hand in hand walking down every isle and testing out their potential purchase. GG ran from sofa to sofa bouncing from chair to love seat "testing the durability" I told the salesman, wearing herself out for a nap I secretly hoped.

TPG had his heart set & mind made up on a on a new sectional and love seat combo in the light tan, excuse me "Cobblestone" color. Even though we found several items we really loved, very few of them would have actually worked in the awkward space of the living room. However, I secretly persuaded him to look at the 3 piece suit I fell in love with immediately. He wasn't quite sold at first but we ended up purchasing "MY" choice in "Sage" to say the least. It has a pretty awesome corduroy microfiber textile. I'm not a fan of the traditional microfiber look because it shows EVERY SINGLE STAIN. In good measure, we also purchased the 7 year scotch guard warranty ...... which actually does cover "Couch Perming" because I definitely asked and believe it or not "Piss". Human or Animal bodily secretions are completely covered for 7 years. No questions asked....because sometime it's better if you just don't ask questions! The warranty is well worth the money spent because GG is more naked then ever with our potty training adventures and she has a lot of child-size orphases that bodily secretions seep out of! So I have at LEAST 7 years to get her potty trained and the other leaks fixed ..... SWEET!

Our new living room suit is being delivered on Thursday. Considering it's one of few real adult NEW furniture purchase, we went all out with the home delivery & warranty crap. We're such armatures!

So here it is, pictured without the love seat and a glass coffee table that we didn't purchase. We went for a more kid friendly one instead.

So, Thank You GG for ruining our other furniture. I just wanted to let you know that one day you'll be able to take our new living room suit off to college with you ...... since we used most of your savings to pay for it! Just kidding! We told her that in hopes that she wouldn't ruin it ....at least right away ..... but she just stared at us blankly while picking her nose. It's must have been quite the winner too!!!

Making & Proving a point .....

My point is.....

Good Girl likes to poop in all places other then her diaper. I intend to document our potty training adventures on this blog and I'm already discouraging myself from my very own postings, posts from today, at that!


I didn't even tell you she's a TUB POOPER! The funny thing is ..... she'll act like it's not hers or she didn't do it. GG will run to far corner of the tub and stand on one foot screaming "Oh No". Please take note as to how she rescued the small "creatures" from the contaminated water but left "My Pooper Scooper"

Lets' the good times roll!

I forgot to mention....

It took seven (7) hair washings with a final rinse of Dawn to get the Vicks mess out of GG's hair. Unfortunately, the love seat wasn't as lucky.

This post is completely random .....

GG has been showing signs that she is ready to start toilet training. I have really tried to put off the whole "potty training" game with her because of our bathroom situation. Now, it looks like I have no choice in the matter! She will be having her 2nd birthday on August 3rd and many people tell me it's okay to start playing with the idea if she is "mature" enough. I think that's funny .... a "mature 2 yr. old". Last night she was "playing" in the playroom when she decided to remove her diaper and proceed to poop on the floor. Because she is so kind she decided to yell "Ma'ma come wook" I stalled a few moments before walking into my wonderful surprise. GG looks at me and says "So nasty, clean it". I couldn't help but laugh because it was pretty damn funny. That is until I had to clean it.

Now this isn't the first time we've had this issue. Just last week, when I came home from work, TPG was "napping" on the couch ..... which he does a lot. He claims that GG was "napping" next to him and must have awaken with him noticing. In all of her unsupervised glory, she removed her diaper and pooped once again in her playroom, except this time smearing it all over the glass window to the door. It was an easy clean up but still very nasty & very stinky. When I found my poop covered & smeared baby she was sitting naked in her hair chair and sniffing her pooped stained fingers repeating "nasty....stinky....nasty" over & over again. It was as though she was traumatized by her smearing event, which may be why it only happened the one time.

With perfect timing to my stressful situation, Sweetened*Taters posted these potty training tips for those of us about to begin our journey.

Does anyone else have any helpful tips that may have worked for you? Wish us luck, sounds like we're going to need it!

On another final note.

This is what happens when Ma'ma is away and TPG is "napping" on the couch.

Like I said, it happens a lot.

This is GG after she found a jar Vicks Medicated Vapor Rub from a location that I was unaware it had been stored. Amazed that she actually got the lid off, she decided to try this rub out as a new hair styling product. Apparently, it was too "nasty" on her fingers so she decided to wipe the mess all over the microfiber love seat & coffee table ...... because they were conveniently close. She walked around for a few hours sniffing her newly opened sinuses and convincingly claimed"mmm good" as if she were really enjoying the mentholyptus smell that she couldn't escape.

We're now looking to investing in a new living room suit. TPG had me looking at Elder Beermans furniture department this week because they were having a "Big Sale". I laughed the entire time thinking I could pay off my student loans with these prices. I, of all people, was encouraging him to shop at Value City or even Big Lots in search of new furniture .......just hoping that it might last long enough to pass my bill in Congress allowing parents to "beat your children and not be punished by law if you have documented proof" (see above).

Armageddon ...already!

Is the world coming to an end? I must have started recycling just a little to late! Or better yet, Hell must have frozen over.......

because

Our Bathroom Remodel is Complete!!!!

GG & I were more then pleased to try out our new lavatory for the first time in WEEKS. I'll save showing you the pictures of me actually enjoying a nice long, hot bubble bath and then the shaving of the legs ceremony, which was long overdue. We are very pleased with the work Skinny has done and we look forward to working on more home improvement projects with him and Polly. Just to show you that he really exist and actually does work and the magical bathroom fairy didn't contract out this job.

Here is Skinny hard at it! I have come to the conclusion that he must have been "drinking" on the job because I have visual proof he is praying to the porcelain god.

do you see why we call him that

Finally, because I know how much pleasure she got out of her 1hr 15min. "swimfest" we'll call a bath, last night. I've decided to share her shear enjoyment with you!
Also, because it was just so darn cute hearing her repeat "Dood dob Dake" ( Good Job Jake) while rubbing a wash cloth across her bare bottom.

Going Green'ish for some Green Backs.....

I have the hardest time with saying I'm going to do something & then actually following thought with real action. I believe that's why I truly am a "Procrastinating Perfectionist".

Since I stared blogging again, I've been reading a lot of blogs written by stay at home moms. I am also completely convinced that all bloggers fall under this category, with me as the exception. This is only because I blog while I'm at "work" and they pay me to do so....they just don't know it. A lot of the blogs I read are about surviving on a single income and making the most of the money they do have. I have started to take interest in this subject even thought we are not limited to a single income, but one day I may consider it. You see I like to work, use my brain, talk to people and have a productive adult life outside the home. I never pictured myself as the Stay-At-Home type. I mean I paid/still paying a lot of money for a college education and to think that it's all wasted money kind of bothers me.... but that's a personal opinion.

I decided to start changing the way I do things. Small changes of course. Some of these things actually make no sense to me right now but I hope in the long run I can see a difference with positive results. A few of my first resolves are listed below with detailed steps in how I plan to achieve them.

• Clipping Coupons - TPG does 100% of our grocery shopping and 99% of our cooking, and we eat at home A LOT! He actually despises taking GG & I to the grocery store with him because our bill almost doubles and we buy a lot of things that go unused or simply wasted. Today I subscribed to our local paper in order to get the Sunday advertisements and as long as I save $25 in the next 13 weeks, it was a pretty good idea. I plan to clip coupons for the items we already shop for at the local stores we already shop at. I know TPG doesn't want to be bothered with the task of coupons at the grocery so I'm planning on helping him by creating my famous "list" before going and sticking to it while we're there. I think we can really save a lot a money in trying something new like this.

• Free Grabber - I found this website on another blog and it instantly "grabbed" my attention. What a great way to get coupons and try new products for free. I've already signed up to get many free samples and you get to pick only the ones you're really interested in. I'll keep you posted on how this goes but you really should check it out for yourself.

• Save My Money - The only reason I truly have to work full time is because......I can't believe I'm actually saying it...... OUT LOUD ....... but I addicted to spend money. TPG and I still operate on separate bank accounts. Mostly because of this reason and how I feel that as long as I work that I should be in charge of my own finances. Now don't get me wrong, we do have several joint accounts that we both contribute funds that pay our household expenses. I used to call this "fun money" but I recently renamed it "the pot we both piss in". TPG is amazing with his his money and for that I am so thankful! It's just something I don't even have to worry about and it's a good feeling. That's how we compliment each other and never fight over money. He covers a large part of household expenses and I cover mine & GG's expenses. That kid cost me a fortune for the record. I know I could do better at pissing more into my personal pot and I'm challenging myself to do this.

• Going Green...or at least "Green'ish" - Going Green is such a commitment! I want to start doing a few easy things like recycling. We have a lot soda cans because.....well come on....... I am married to The Pepsi Guy and all, so disposing of my cans properly while making a nickel or two sounds like a win-win for everyone. I also think recycling the newspaper I just subscribed to would be a good idea. I can already hear him bitching about the paper laying all over the house after I clip the coupons & GG gets a hold of it!
  

Do my readers have any helpful but most importantly EASY suggestions on saving money and going green'ish that you'd like to share?

Cash in the attic.....

Apparently there is a show on HGTV called Cash in the Attic. It's safe to say that I recently had my very own non-televised experience with this concept. Where are the reality tv cameras and show producers when I need them!

I have often tried to get TPG to follow me around with our handy cam, you know to film random moments and experiences of my day. He's not really on board with that idea just yet!

Back to my story!

While we were having our garage sale this past weekend, TPG and Skinny decided it was a great opportunity to clean out our shed. This shed has acquired our junk since the day we moved into our house and it has never even been cleaned out......some 3 years later. It's a long story but the previous homeowners (now deceased) were quite the woodworkers and collectors of many thing. Mostly junk but there were a lot of neat tools and gadgets dated 4 decades or more. These treasures were left there for us when we became the new home owners. I've always tried to think of the shed as some sort of strange "house warming" gift from "The Old Man" as we often refer to the previous dead owner.

One of the treasures found during the cleaning of the shed was this really old chair. Skinny & Polly thought it may have some value to it but were unsure of what it was worth. It just looked old but still in really great structural shape. So, we put it in the garage sale at $50. Several people looked at the "high priced" item but there wasn't any real interest. We then decided to swap put the $50 price tag and replaced it with a "make offer" tag and still.......no takers.

I decided to do a little research on this particular chair to get a better idea of it's value. Who knows....we could have just been "sitting" on some junk. This is the information I found out after taking just a few pictures and posting them on this website for a free appraisal. Needless to say, I was more then pleased with what they had to say.

Here is my "Old Chair Found in Shed"

Can you believe it's from the 1850's-1860's and valued at nearly $100 in as is condition? It's really neat knowing that I have something so old in my possession that I didn't even know we had. We haven't really decided on what to do with our new treasure. I really think we're leaning towards selling it. We're most likely not going to restore the chair because that's rather expensive & time consuming. I think I would rather offer the chair to someone who would appreciate it's beauty far more then I ever could.

Any suggestion?

I really do.....

Have a ton of things to tell you. Unfortunately I'm off to the dentist....again.

I've already paid him all that money, so I talked him into bleaching my teeth too. Not for free but at a great 75% discount! So....once again, The Dentist is FUN!!!! Besides, I have to get me teeth pearly white before I get "Knocked Up" again.....or else I really might just turn into a Woolsie!

Let the count down BEGIN .....

Baby making season is just around the corner.

Consider this your Public Service Announcement.

I may have mentioned in an earlier post how the time has now come for the Guru's to spread our evil seed and once again reproduce. Yeah, as if GG wasn't enough evil offspring for this world.....we have chosen to offer you ..... yet another.

The Pepsi Guy & I have recently become aware that not every one plans out the pregnancies using such tools available like ovulation calendars, the internet or what ever else people plan with. You mean to tell me that people just get pregnant with out even trying.... or planning?!?!?! Okay, that's a joke but the reaction to planning such an event is often the same.

I like to make list, follow schedules, be prepared and these things alone take up a large part of my day but most importantly, they make happy. I'm also 30 now & I've waited long enough to do the family thing and I'm less likely to stall longer if I "add it to my list".

While we planned our pregnancy with GG, we used the ovulation calendar and experienced conception our first month of trying. We planned almost exactly when we wanted to have a baby & then she popped out & we were prepared because we planned. TPG & I both felt strongly about waiting until she was 2 yrs. old before we planned for a second child. Now, because GG can be and usually is such an asshole, I have reconsidered this thought many times. It just so happens to be that I am extremely fertile the weekend of her birthday, which is only days away. We have come to the conclusion that #2 has to be laid back and mellow or else it will be the death of me...... or God really hates me for having more children because one on them will probably be a theorist or something.

TPG & I have a wedding to attend on Saturday evening with an Open Bar. Apparently, alcohol also helps lower your inhibitions while at the same time increasing fertility..... so I've heard.

MySpace Countdowns

Hi....I'm Kim..... and I am a WOOLSIE!

Yes, I'm admitting it...... I am such a WOOLSIE!

I finally had my Garage Sale this weekend and I must say it went rather well! $466 Well! That was almost equally divided between Polly & I. Most of the business was done on Saturday prior to noon but we still had fun just hanging out and chatting. That was until Sunday rolled around and we ran of of things to "chat" about, so we closed up early. I really don't have any outrageously funny stories to share about the garage sale experience from this year EXCEPT that we decided to have a final blowout sale this Saturday .... and Saturday only. We're calling it the blow out sell because we're probably going to be giving crap away by the end of the day! Just so we don't have to pack it up & bring it back in the house/garage.

I know $466 wasn't a huge amount of earnings considering how much time & effort I put into this thing. But you have to admit it was a hell of a lot more then I made at The Big Event held earlier this year!!!!

Damn You.....The Dentist!

So I am off to the dentist this afternoon for the 2nd time in the past week. Except today's visit is far more enduring & painful.....did I mention PAINFUL. At least that's what I'm assuming!

Here's my complete dental history....in a nutshell.

I am the only one of four children who didn't have thousands & thousands of dollars in orthodontic procedures. My teeth have always been very healthy & very strong. I didn't even have a cavity until I was 23 yrs old. Then at the age of 25, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. I had to sign a consent form prior to oral surgery that stated I wouldn't try to claim restitution on the the tooth they chipped during my procedure and conveniently forgot to MENTION! I had to have the chipped repaired a few weeks later, at my expense. Even after this experience I still love going to the dentist. I'm a regular, you know the 6 months on the dot for my bi-annual cleaning type of person. I suppose I enjoyed my visits because I've had wonderful experiences with past "perfect" checkups ..... for years.

That is.....until last week!

That wisdom tooth repair, in the form of a filling that I just told you about ....... well it decided to fall out. Without warning, it was gone. I'm not really sure when I actually lost it but when I realized it was gone, I called to have it repaired. At my initial visit I was told that during my pregnancy with GG, I must have suffered from a common calcium deficiency. This supposed deficiency happens to a lot of expecting woman but the sign aren't apparent until later.....you know....2 YEARS LATER. The teeth of the mother are usually weakened by the deficiency and there are procedures that can be done to prevent any future problems such as decay or even breakage. He claimed that I needed to have my work done BEFORE I plan my next pregnancy. In case I forgot to mention ..... TPG & I are ovulating in two weeks and beginning the ridiculous journey of creating more offspring to add to the Guru clan. So, today I am headed back to the dentist to have some rather expensive "preventative" work done to four of my teeth at one thousand dollars a tooth! Yes, you read that correctly $4000 dollars! I don't even have a F**KING cavity! I am slightly irritated at the whole thing and actually tried to hit my parents up with the guilt trip of how "inexpensive" I was during my adolescences compared to my siblings. They laughed uncontrollably and then promised to make it up in their will. As TPG explained to me so kindly, He would rather dish out the money for my teeth now then spend it later on a trailer down by the river for his toothless, barefoot, pregnant wife....who might be is cousin...... or sister.

I however would rather spend the $4K on new boobies, I mean at least people could see them. Besides, who looks at a chics mouth these days anyway!

Imagine that.....

Some days I actually find it hard to be funny. Okay......well this is not exactly true. I am actually a very humorous person who finds it hard to find the time to write my blog. I've been so busy lately that even thinking about the past few days is exhausting.

Here's my list:

• making more list of things to do (you know, I like to do that!)
  
• cleaning garage & house for upcoming/rescheduled garage sale
• work.....yes.....at my job like they pay me to do!
• birthday party planning
• baby doll shopping
• dentist....more then once
  

So just when I think I have nothing funny to tell you.....I make a list and everything else just comes to me.

Who knew I lived so dangerously.....

Seriously, I'm afraid for my life!

This whole Extreme Makeover Home Edition volunteer thing has jeopardize my safety & the safely of my family. Well, that may be a stretch but it's starting to feel that way!

I may have seen the show 2-3 times tops but apparently it's kind of a big deal. TPG & I have had random & rather strange request to almost strangers in order to get them into the job site. I reached the max on the creepy meter when the unwed mother offered to sacrifice her first born bastard child for a back stage pass.

Apparently, it has to do with the shows host, Ty Pennington. I guess he's supposed to be incredibly good looking and a very desirable catch. So I started to do some research & you'll never believe what I found!

Eat your heart out ladies!

I probably forgot to mention that Ty was an old prom date of mine back in the 90's. That's why I'm not real excited to see him again. You know, after that messy break up & restraining order....things got pretty creepy. I am glad he's doing better now.

Welcome to the Tri-State!

Extreme Makeover Home Edition has come to town. It's actually very exciting and so well deserved to the family that they're helping out. I believe they were the highest nominated family in the shows history with well over 25,000 nominations.

The media coverage on this event is completely insane. Every local source is covering the event 24/7. The over pouring number of volunteers has reached their maximum capacity and it's impossible to let every one help who wants to help! It's an incredible feeling to know there are so many local people willing to help out a family in need but hopefully it's not just for some tv time. Their help shouldn't end with the final "Move That Bus" and hopefully something great will happen for the entire community when the project is complete!

I have the Very Rare and Very Limited opportunity to actually volunteer & work on the job site. I didn't realize what a big deal this opportunity was until my email & cell phone started to blow up just moments after I told my MOM!

Here are the details:

My company, particularly my store has donated the heavy construction equipment being used on the job site to demolish the home, dig the new foundation & relocate the swimming pool. My Salesmen have been working feverishly with contractors & producers to ensure this process goes quickly, smoothly and most importantly safely! For "our" generous contribution to the "Extreme Makeover" project, we have been offered to go back stage and contribute our volunteer services.
At first I wasn't going to participate! I have no real desire to fight the crowd and particularly "work" on my beautiful Saturday morning. I also found out the no one else was planning on attending this event to volunteer, which I didn't blame them either. Then , my guilt started to set in! Remember when I told you about Skinny remodeling my bathroom? Turns out, his wife "Polly" is probably the shows biggest fan....NO LIE! She went online to volunteer moments after it was announced the show would be coming to the Tri-State area. Because of the overwhelming online volunteer responses, unfortunately, she didn't hear back from the producers. That wasn't going to stop her for long. You see, she is a school teacher & I'm sure you noticed.....It's Summer Time!!!! Her schedule is very permitting to do just about anything she wants and she WANTED to spend the next week as a volunteer!

It would be very easy for me to say that "Polly" is by far my biggest "tree hugging, save the planet" friend. She is always talking about making her "carbon footprint on the planet" and she makes me want to "reduce, reuse & recycle". So, how could I turn down the opportunity to really help her do something that she & Skinny were so passionate about? The answer.... I couldn't! When I asked her if you wanted to volunteer with me on Saturday her first reply was "Sure....that are we doing". She didn't even know what she had just volunteered for & it could have been cleaning port-a-johns......... but she was on board. It was at that moment that I knew I made the right decision, because she was such a good person! When I told her it was for "EMHE" she was practically speechless. So now I find myself waking up at 6am Saturday morning to go work my butt off with these two "Make the World a Better Place" friends of ours and you know what..... It feels pretty damn good!

My Salesmen have told me the atmosphere and comradely on the job site is completely indescribable. Everyone is willing to help do & contribute "whatever it takes" to get this job done. I'm telling you now. ...... if some happy ass, just pulled an all nighter volunteer tries to hug me & sing kum by ya my lord by a campfire......I'm packing up my paint brush & headed to the nearest Starbucks to hide in the bathroom stall while sipping my Chai Tea Latte.

Some people just need their privacy.....

Remember that tiny bathroom shower I told you about? Well, we are still confined to using it for another week or two. I have found some enlightening things about myself, GG & TPG and our ability to adapt to our environment. I'm not saying that if you through us out in the wilderness that we would actually survive.....even though we do watch Survivor Man.......sometimes.

Here's what I have learned.

1. It's possible to shower every OTHER day and not smell like a wild boar.
2. Although he may look rather small, TPG can not fit easily into confined spaces. Especially if those confined spaces require him to touch his toes or wash is bottom.
3. I can go longer then 2 days without shaving my legs! It's still not pretty.
   
4. GG enjoys the freedom of showering alone.....Very Alone.....without any adult supervision while she sings!

I may have been a little to encouraging for my nearly 2yr old daughter to shower by herself. Now, I just completely taking advantage of it! It gives me the 20 minutes of "ME" time that i really need. You know...."Leave ME the hell alone" time. I enjoy laying on my bed patiently waiting for her to finish up whatever she needs to do in there, which is usually a lot of splashing, collecting buckets of water & mostly singing. Neither TPG nor I sing in the shower but it's something she does every time ...... we enjoy listening to the silly songs she makes up. My personal favorites are "No Nana No" or "Go Maggie Go". Apparently her Nana is being bad & the dog is in her way, tough life I know!

Here is a picture of GG, alone in her shower play time.

Please take note of our very tiny watering hole but disregard the yucky scum on the tile!

And here is GG after she realized I was invading her privacy!

Let me tell you.....She was PISSED!!!! Notice how she is trying to close the door in my face as she whines out a "NNNOOOOOO"?

I'll be expecting a visit from a Children's Services very soon.....possibly Monday. After this post, I realize I may violating a few law regarding a child's safety. You know the one that are no biggie like unsupervised water play, unhealthy living conditions (soap scum), naked baby pictures on the internet.

Will any of you.....may faithful 3 readers bring me cigarettes & ramon noodle during my stint in jail?

Welcome to Dixie Bend.....

My parents have a lake house just outside Burnside, Kentucky on Lake Cumberland. For many years we have spent the summers enjoying all of the fine amenities of Dixie Bend Retreat, which is where our family place is. TPG and I were married in Dixie Bend, GG was most likely conceived in DB and I have many other fond memories from "The Lake".

I also have some not so fond memories.

"The Lake" is in Pulaski County, Kentucky. This particular county and most surrounding lake counties are what they call "DRY" counties......which basically means you can not buy, sell or serve alcohol because it illegal...... you know like Prohibition! So there is the basic rule to bring in your own "adult beverages", just don't get caught! There is also the rule that if you brought it in.....then it must be consumed before you leave! Here is where the problem usually begins. My father is employed by The Miller Brewery Company. Miller Beer is one thing that is a constant in my family, especially during the summer months. Dixie Bend is what most would assume a "drinking community". It's that simple.....you boat during the day, golf cart cruise during evening, bonfire after parties....all while drinking.....the whole time. Someone is bound to be the drunk of the weekend & it's usually someone new every weekend! Everyone has been there & shared the same song ...... usually it's Billy Joel's "Piano Man".

You know when you're designated the weekend drunk when you hear "This is for your safety & most importantly the safety of those around you". Then you are presented with this gift......

The Super Dave Safety Helmet!

Seriously folks......you can't make this shit up if you tried! Yes, that is a picture of me wearing the "Super Dave" helmet while my younger brother Nicholas punches me in the head. I'll admit that's not one of my proudest moments but it's still DAMN FUNNY!

As we head down to The Lake this weekend to celebrate our Independence......I solemnly pledge to not be asked to wear the helmet. However, I do pledge to make that silly Mother F**ker punching me in the head righteously earn the title of "The Weekend Drunk".

Details & pics to follow.

On the record.......

The sole purpose of this blog is not to degrade or bash any member of my family especially Mr. BIGWOOD. I know that with my last few post it may seem as if that is my intention but it truly isn't! However, I am still extremely pissed at him & feel as though I can say what ever the hell I want!

The Gaston Jr. Cup.....

This is a post about the competitiveness that runs through my blood ......The Blood of Gaston's!

Every year my family has a tradition honored at our Gaston Family Reunion. The tradition of "The Gaston Cup". Just saying it out loud gives my entire body the feelings of rushed adrenaline, similar to chugging about 8 red bulls and then asked to sit quietly during a church sermon.

This trophy is really nothing fancy to look at. The home made construction of 2x4 wooden planks and the spray painted golden cup is quite humble to say the least BUT the absolute power it brings to the WINNER is indescribable! The cup is somewhat of a traveling trophy. The rightful holder of the cup has the unspoken obligation to bring it to any & all family functions in order to smear it in the faces of the many losers. It's a very arrogant, boisterous and almost obnoxious task for the holder but it's one that comes easily. I've heard the trophy comes with Superman like powers with feelings of being indestructible. This is strictly "hear-say" because I have never personally won this trophy.

The Gaston Family Reunions are always a lot of fun and it was decided by the "seniors" that one gathering a year just simply wasn't enough. 2008 is the beginning of Semi-Annual Gaston Family Reunion. So now with a newly schedule reunion in June and our typical reunion in August , I guess you could say we'll have twice the fun. At least that can be said for most of us!

The Gaston Cup has always been awarded during the August reunion by excelling in a challenge that is suitable to most of the participants. One of the Male family members usually win and we're fine with that. With the newly scheduled June reunion, it just wasn't fair that the winner in June only enjoy the trophy for a few summer months and then pass it on again in August. So a new breed of competitive offspring were born! "The Gaston Junior Cup". Same rules apply but you have to be under he age of 10 to participate & it's won in June. Wouldn't you know..... one old fashion sucker pull later (colored tip)......and winning by default (she was last to go)........Good Girl was VICTORIOUS!!!!!

GG is now the proud owner a The Gaston Jr. Cup, well at least for the entire next year. She was actually more excited to get the sucker then the trophy....which is a much smaller version of the original one.

Wouldn't you know Mr. BIGWOOD wasn't happy that his Little Bigwood didn't win by pulling the winning crappy brown sucker. His jealousy and spite was clearly displayed the rest of the gathering and The Guru's were just as proud of our Little Guru even if she did win by DEFAULT....because who wants to eat the crappy brown sucker anyway!!!! But you know what.....she ate it ANYWAY!

Here is GG after the reunion celebrating with her Gaston Jr. Cup Trophy. Notice she's holding up the #1 finger.....which quickly ended up in her nose just moments later.

I later found out TPG sent this pic in a text message to Mr. Bigwood with the song "We are the Champion's" by Queen attached. It's no wonder we're not on speaking terms!

I see you......

Lurking my page!!!! Believe me I'm just tickled to know that I'm actually getting a following outside the Cincinnati-Dayton Corridor.

So, if you live out west .....near Colorado, I'd like to know who you are! But only if you're NOT my asshole brother Mr. BIGWOOD. We're still not speaking but it's very unfortunate & highly unlikely they would have moved in the last 10 days & I not know about it!

I've been getting several hits...okay ALOT of hits in your area and I'm calling you out!

This should not come as a surprise.....

but I have a brother who is kind of an asshole. I could dedicate an entire blog site to him and all of his super shitty antics including the ones he has done to me. Like this...... and this..... but more recently his behavior has become intolerable to me & I have chosen to emancipate myself from him.

Mr. BIGWOOD has established some what of a hothead, bad attitude, quick to become enraged and always overact..... type of repetition. I can see how some of these things can become unavoidable at times but EVERY TIME has become to much for me. I am no longer on speaking terms with Mr. BIGWOOD and we are now continuing our silence into week #2. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining of the much needed break from the negatively that he brings to my life. I simply feel that I have been his verbal punching bag for too long and now it's time that he face the consequences for his unacceptable behavior.

The funniest thing about all of this feud is the fact that both of us are very stubborn and too proud to break the silence! I can see this lasting a very long time which is perfectly fine by me....... *asshole*

So have any of you experience the same type of sibling rivalry? I'm curious as to how you solved the problems or at least recognized your differences.

I feel as though I've neglected you.....

That's typically how I do things. I'll start by wooing you over with my charming demeanor, you realize that I'm smart & funny ....... and then you're hooked on me....... like I'm hooked on Intervention! However, I feel as though I've disappointed you with MY NEGLECT. I'm rather intimidated by the fact that I'm actually getting some what of a following of readers in the blogging nation and I FREEZE up under the pressure! Well, there's that & the fact that I've been extremely busy living life..... or what I like to call "collecting blogging material". I have several stories to share with you ..... so hang on to the seat of your pants because you'll need something to do with your hands besides pick you nose as I completely bore you!