A Green-ish Thumb.....

I only say “green-ish” because I was actually successful at growing some stuff!

Since I've become a stay-at-home mom last fall, I’ve become surprisingly domesticated in more ways then The Pepsi Guy or I ever imagined possible. One of these particular adventures began in the earliest of spring. GG & I decided that we were going to start a vegetable garden. TPG was against the idea from the get go! I’m sure he heavily considered the possibility that this would just be another “project” he would assume the responsibility for……like the cats.

In March, GG & I started with seeds and planted them in one of those indoor things. They grew as expected which only made our new commitment more …... committed. When the weather finally broke….TPG dug up and fertilized our very small plot….or grave site as he refers to it. The 4’X10’ plot was the only allowable space we would give us in “his” back yard. We were finally ready to plant and nurture our new hobby.

I’ll admit that it didn’t look promising that first month or so. I was actually less committed to watering the new garden ……the signs were pretty obvious. We planted 8 regular tomato plants, 8 cherry toe tomato plants, 8 cucumber plants, 4 Watermelon & 4 pumpkin plants. After that first…..rather dry month, we had a few causalities. However, 4 of the regular tomato, 1 cherry toe tomato, 1 watermelon & 1 pumpkin….were all lucky enough to call themselves survivors.

Months have passed, we water on a regular basis and we flourished. I could see that we were going to be proud of our garden when the watermelon & pumpkins started to grow. Well…at least the vines were growing & Growing & GROWING!!!! Then it happened …one day there was fruit! The pumpkins were actually “Ghost” pumpkins and then one of them some how managed to infiltrate into my neighbors yard. He's happily mowing around his new predator. Mostly because he felt bad that largest creation in my garden was now rightfully his….because possession is 9/10 of the law! I guess the grass is always greener on the other side…..and I learned that lesson from a "traitor pumpkin".

Seriously…..does he have to rub it into “my pumpkins” face. All day…..endlessly growing & basking in the thought that he made the right decision to jump ship while the jumping was still good! That pumpkin is seriously an asshole & I’m happy he left us…..because we’re a good happy garden of misfits and his arrogance was only bringing down our morale!

Today GG & I were trimming away some of the vines, mostly to help TPG out because they were exceeding the “allowable garden space”. More then once I saw him smile with extreme pleasure as he mowed over the vines because they were on the verge of infiltrating his personal space too. By mistake…..I trimmed one of the watermelons off of the vine. I was a little pissed at first but got over it quickly when I considered the viney mess was completely out of control ….there was bound to be more casualties involved…. And I was thankful GG & I both made it out alive. Besides…it was about time GG got to enjoy “the fruits of her labor”.

Here is GG with our first garden treat of the summer. A delicious watermelon…..look…..it’s obviously a watermelon.....prematurely picked but a watermelon none the less! She was so excited & proud!! Just look at her little future 4H face beaming!

Except.....

What the hell! Oh No! That’s not a watermelon…..it’s a f*cking pumpkin! Seriously folks……a green pumpkin disguised exactly like a watermelon….. and she was PISSED! I’ve never even seen such a site in my entire life. What the hell are we growing out there anyway….some kind of mutant hybrid …water-kins….or pumkmelon? I believe I am competent enough in my skills as a first time gardener to know & understand the difference between a pumpkin & a watermelon.....or at least I thought I was. Boy was I wrong!

I now completely understand the traitor ghost pumpkin after all. He was trying to get the hell out of our mutant garden before it was too late!!! Even pumpkins have a sence of self-preservation too.....at least I did learn that lesson from this fiasco! I’m now wondering what kind of fertilizer TPG used ….. and if anything out there is truly edible.

Meet Maggie.....

Maggie Mae "Guru" aka..... Maggie Moose.

"Moose" has been our beloved pet for the past 10 years. She is an old 85lb. hound/coon dog and we've converted her into a city slicker. She still has some of her own breed (whatever that may be) characteristics like incredible super hero smelling powers, insatiable appetite, stubbornness and complete laziness. When someone wants to know how big she is, I'll always tell them " She the size of a 4th Grader".

The Pepsi Guy and I like to joke about how she "lives the life of luxury". Maggie was our very first experiment as being parents. I think we succeeded in giving her a life that most mutts would only dream of. She sleeps most hours of the day in OUR bed, right in between us during the night, she eats diner with us, has a nice big fenced yard that can be accessed at any time and a loving neighbor who showers her with milk bones EVERY TIME she is outside, multiple times a day.

Without a doubt, Maggie is TPG's dog. Their relationship would be sickening to most normal people and probably illegal in all 48 continental states. Our dog will greet TPG at the door with a smile....yeah, she really smiles, and he greets her with lots of hugs & kisses...usually with his mouth open because that's the way she likes it! This same dog won't even get out of bed when I come home from a long day and I practically have to force her out of bed in the morning to pee before I head to work.

GG simply adores Maggie and her name was actually one of GG's first words. Until recently, every dog we ever encountered was called a "Maggie". GG has been using her imagination more & more lately and her favorite game is to "play puppy". It's annoying cute! Unfortunately Maggie doesn't like GG nearly as much. She's actually quite annoyed all the time with this small human who has some how taken over the home she once ruled. Even though Maggie basically tries to ignore GG at all cost, she can't help but love & protect the small bully child.

It saddens me to think that Maggie will not be with us much longer. She is 10 years old now and I can see how the years have effected her large body. She just isn't as playful and spunky as she was before we brought GG home the hospital. When the day comes for Maggie Moose to pass, TPG & I will be devastated....just as I am *teary* eyed typing it out.

But for now Maggie is alive & well!!! I love this picture of GG & Maggie Moose in the back of my truck.
Look at GG's face!!!! I think Maggie farted and she got a big wiff of it. *Priceless*

Besides introducing you to Maggie, this post has ulterior motives. You see Christmas is just around the corner! I can't think of a single gift to tell Santa Claus that GG would like to have. It's no big secret that she hasn't really been that great and if TPG weren't the Fat Jolly Man himself......she probably just get a few cat turds under the tree with a 1/2 eaten candy cane.

I'm trying, with all thing festive in my heart & soul to convince TPG to let GG get a puppy for Christmas. She is the perfect age for a tiny little buddy to frolic under her feet, while running through flowering meadows in the Spring time. Can you see it? I can almost smell the flowers now! But TPG is a stubborn old goon....and he doesn't see it, or let alone smell it! *JERK* He's afraid that he'll betray Maggie and she'll live her last moments as a bitter old hag and that he'll be to blame for her misery. I told him to blame me because she doesn't even like anyway!! I told him that a puppy may be what Maggie need to get her grove back...Stella Style! I'm still working on him & I may need to bust out the reinforcements..... like lingerie or Grand Parents.

In the mean time.....do you guys have any kid friendly breed suggestion? Or stories of your own beloved pets that are aging or have passed away?

It's that time of year.....

Fall in our home represents many different things. One of our favorite adventures starts this Saturday and continues on until the end of April!

Good Girl starts gymnastics again.....and boy is she super excited! I finally told her over the weekend that we were getting ready to start the new session after having the long summer off. She was so excited about the news, she felt obligated to start practicing at that very moment.

GG's weekend was filled with somersaults, marching, tip toe walking, jumping and spinning in circles until she fell to the floor giggling! TPG and I love taking the class with GG because she really does so well on all of the apparatuses. It's almost like it's her natural ability to hang upside down like a monkey and swing from ropes. One of our instructors said GG has the potential to be an excellent gymnast and has a lot of the things they look for to build their competitive team....which I took as...open up the pocket book and start dishing out the funds! The only problem is, she gets bored easily when another classmate don't "pick up" as easily as she does....so she wants to do what the 4-5 yr olds are doing. It absolutely takes TPG and I both to tag team her energy during the class, while other children easily accomplish the same things with just one parent.

So here she is doing one of the things she is as passionate about as bubbles, Dora the Explorer and riding her tricycle backwards!

Marching with her Daddy

She loved to swing on the rope!

The bar is one of her best apparatuses!

I can hardly keep up with her on the balance beam!

Dear Good Girl,
I hope you do exceptionally well at gymnastics! Not that I don't want you to do well at other things in life but this particular hobby is your meal ticket to college. I am discussing this with you in advance so it's no surprise to you in the future when we explain that your college savings was spent by funding your passion as an adolescent for competitive gymnastics . Therefore, you have no choice but to get an athletic scholarship to fund your higher education or get a job at McDonald's selling double cheeseburgers off the dollar menu. Just know TPG & I did the best we can!

Good Luck!
Mama

Ding Dong.......

It's not big secret that I've been feuding with my asshole brother, Mr. BIGWOOD. It has completely gotten out of hand at this point and I am basically fearing for my life. Well, not really....that was more for dramatic effect!

Last Friday that asshole started accusing my BFF Jenni & I of "ding dong ditching" their home late one night a few weeks ago. How convenient for them....as they claim this apparently happened a night that we were out with some girlfriends for a Ladies Night. Ding Dong Ditching is when you sneak up to the house, ring the door bell several times and then run like mad to get away. This is a game the kids play ...... not 30ish woman ...... who have better things to do like playing Air Hockey at the arcade for hours on in that same evening.

He claims to have whitenesses that identified the two of us leaving the scene of the said incident. Then that asshole even told Jenni that I admitted to him that we actually did it....which was a bold face lie!

Please keep in mind that his accusations started on a Friday afternoon. The same day that he knew we were going to be out of town for the weekend. Would you not believe the Mother F**ker came to my house, pried my door bell straight off the brick, cut the wire to disconnect it and then stole my damn door bell!?!?! To top all things....... HE DENIED EVEN DOING IT! I mean seriously folks...... does he think I lick f**king windows for a living?

In my opinion, he has completely gone to far! I had no choice but to file a police report in regards to the vandalism done to my home, in which I own and pay the mortgage! Of course I gave Mr. BIGWOOD'S name, address, phone number, description, make & models of his vehicles, birthday & social security number. I was praying to all things holy that he had an outstanding warrant or that his DNA came back as a suspect in some Alaskan Murder Case. After hearing the voice mails that have been left on my phone for months...... the officer who filed my report advised me to seek a protection order against Mr. BIGWOOD. The cop heard how crazy the suspect was and felt that I needed to take action before something really serious happens.

This entire situation with him & his wife is completely unbelievable! For the past 4-5 months I have not shown any emotion to the games they play or lies they continue to tell. Because I have taken the high road and basically ignored them.....they have completely consumed their lives with me and every little detail involved. Believe it or not.... they even hijacked my private MySpace page and then began to harass my friends about comments made. We're talking about comments made, unrelated to them but yet they assumed they were direct digs at them personally.

I know that all of this sound so ridiculous and petty. I mean, we are talking about my biological brother and his hard-on for hating all things I came into contact with. Nothing he does seems to SHOCK me anymore. As I take a step back and look at every thing that has happened up to this point...... he is honestly 99.9% responsible. He will never admit that he is the root and even if he did apologize to me.....nothing will ever be the same. I'm really curious as to what I should do next.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.....

I am officially a mother who has suffered a traumatic event that will forever change the relationship I have with my child.

I pride myself in knowing that I can handle the most stressful situations head on with a calm and tactful approach that has been proven time and time again to work. I am mentally strong! TPG on the other hand is far more emotional, always expects the worse outcome and extremely squeamish and disgusted at the first sight of blood, gore or needles. He's a Big Fat Sissy!

Last Monday afternoon, while I was at work, TPG and GG were enjoying a nice bubble bath. As TPG got out and started to shave at the sink, he let her continue to play while the water was draining out. Moments later GG said "Wook Sissy!!!"as she proceeded to show him her new fun trick "Jumping". Apparently jumping with bubbles and water involved is far more impressive then just regular jumping. Before TPG realized exactly what she was about to do….she slipped, fell and busted the bottom of her chin open on the side of our new bathtub. She began bleeding on impact as TPG started to freak out. He was covered in shave cream, she in blood stained bubbles, both completely naked. He called me at work moments after he applied pressure to her chin and started to stop the bleeding.

I met him a few minutes later at the Emergency Room where we spent the next 4.5 hours with a sweet little but extremely tough baby girl. She would tell me, "Mama what happened? My Boo Boo!" then continued to run and play with the other children also waiting. It was obvious that we were a perfect fit during our timely stay. I'm mean sure...GG is wearing mismatched pajamas crazy shoes that may or may not have actually fit with her wet crazy hair that desperately needed to be brushed. TPG throw on the first thing that he could grab which included a pair of basketball shorts that he DESPERATELY needed to be wearing underwear with. Seriously TPG...your junk was all over the place and I saw people talking/pointing when you went to the restroom. They probably thought I was their social worker with my suit & sassy heels on.

Once we were finally back in our room, the doctor came in to explain how the procedure was going to take place. GG immediately knew something was about to go down and she would ultimately be involved! I was holding her in my arms when she hugged me close to her and said "Mama, help me please!". It was something I will never forget. There wasn't any thing I could do to help her and it made me tear up knowing she was looking to me for her safety and most importantly ..... strength! TPG started to tear up too because he knew how hard it was for me to hear her little plea for help.

Once the doctor came back into the room GG was rolled up like a burrito, which was funny because she thought she was going to eat a burrito when they explained it to us. They blind folded her and began to sew up our scared little girl. The entire procedure was over in a few extremely difficult to watch minutes. TPG nearly passed out and couldn't bare to watch them sew her back together. GG received 6 stitched to the bottom of her chin and she took it like a champ! I was talking to her the entire time while trying to keep her calm. She reassured me that she was Good Girl and that she loved ice cream.

Once the traumatic event was finally over and I held her in my arms again, she turned to the doctor and told her "Thank you. Good Job!" and finally "I love you!". The doctor said that was the sweetest thing she had ever been told by a little one she pieced back together.

GG would not keep a band-aide over her stitches but she didn't even really know they are there. Every now and again she'd reach for my hand to scratch them for her but she won't touch them. The stitches were removed on Saturday, without incident and she'll make a full recovery!

It was absolutely the hardest thing TPG & I have ever been through as parents. GG knows we'll always there for her and she has been so extremely sweet to us, especially me because I was there for her and made her feel safe, when really all I did was hold her, confess my love for ice cream too and be her mama.

This picture was taken the next day while she was sleeping in her car seat. They look so much bigger in the picture then they really were.

Oh Hot Damn....

This is my jam.....we keeps it rockin until the a.m.

I have good reason for neglecting you the past few days. Well....it's not really a good one but I'll milk it if you let me!

Seriously, this is a post about my "Job". Yes...I have a real job even though I don't really do anything at it. Actually....I am at this said job right now....writing this blog, because I don't have a single thing to work on. I have to come in here every single weekday at 8am on the dot and not a nano-second late, to sit here and do nothing.....nothing but answer the phone a few times and "act" busy. How ridiculous is that! It's completely ridiculous because I frickin hate it! Well, I don't exactly hate it but it still kinda sucks!

My boss is extremely anal and organized. We're not just talking about the usual type of organization ...... but ..... the very fine line of OCD Organization! He's a frickin LOON when it comes to cleanliness, the way papers are stacked or how binders are labeled. He will even bust out the white glove dust check in my office to make sure I keep my area up to par. News flash to him.....I haven't dusted under my keyboard in a year!!!!! HA!! In your Face!!

You see, I once lived in the fast paced career world of "Corporate America". Hell.... I WAS CORPORATE AMERICA! I gave up a very lucrative and rewarding career as a Diamond Buyer in the Jewelry Industry shortly after I gave birth to GG. I was tried of the traveling, crazy work schedule and smoozing with the "riches". I enjoyed everything that I did and no one gave a rats ass about my dusty office! Being a Good Mama was far more important to me then any job. TPG and I decided it would good if I took a less stressful and demanding job to allow me more freedon and time to spend with GG. It worked out great because I was offered THIS JOB and I gladly accepted. There was a substantial pay cut but I get to unplug at 5pm and it's totally worth it!

Here's where the "Milking" starts.

I have been searching for a exciting new career. You see, last week was the final straw when I was publicly reprimanded for not answering ONE telephone call out of FOUR THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED SIXTY THREE of them that managed to pass through at the exact same time. I decided at that very moment "it was my time to leave" just sort of waiving the Johnny Cash salute and walking out the door!

I actually applied for another Executive Admin. position but later found out that I was selected for an interview based on my "buying experience". It's not a buying job at all and mostly administrative to get a foot in the door but I was pretty pumped up about going back into the corporate world and actually using my brain again. I had two interviews yesterday with the company executives which lasted 2 hours total. It went really well and we even discussed salary compensation...which never happens at a first meeting. This company is fairly new (14 yrs) and has been very successful considering it's a husband/wife team who started from scratch. It's also about a 30 min trip one way from home and I wasn't sure how I would care for that after the 1st week or so. Now, I am really getting excited about the position and hope to hear back from them in a few days.

Unfortunately, if I do get the job....I'll be blogging less. I know, it's hard to do any less blogging then I already do...but I promise to try my best to stay committed to you!

Wish me luck!

It's that time of year...again

WHO DEY BITCHES!!!!!!

Well if that were an actual question the answer would righteously be ....... EVERYONE!


The Cincinnati Bengals 2008-2009 Football Season is set to begin on Sunday September 7th. Normally I wouldn't really give two shits about our beloved hometown hero's but this year....everything is different! TPG had the chance to buy season tickets due to the financial hardship of a friend.....of a friend. So we rallied the troops to gather the funds in order to get our fall football fix. However, things didn't exactly work out as planned so TPG just bought the whole damn season himself! Here's the good.....GREAT part! Being the budget savvy, entrepreneur he is....he managed to sell 6 of the 8 games he had no interest in attending ..... for a profit, while still keeping the 2 games we wanted for FREE! YEAH! FREE BENGAL TICKETS.......it's really the only way you're going to get me there anyway......FREE!!!!

Some how I also managed to get a verbal commitment from TPG to buy me some cute Ben-Gal gear for our two games. It's more contingent on him getting all of his money back and as a thank you for not killing him when he committed to buying the tickets before telling me! Besides, he didn't want me to be the only fair weather fan to wear something ridiculous ...like a clown wig....while sitting next to him in the stands.

Tonight is our final pre-season game against the Indianapolis Colts. Sorry "Crawley" but I pretty much hate the Colts any time they play the Bengals but other then that.....Peyton Manning is pretty cool and I do like his television commercials. I am strangely excited about this game tonight, even though Carson Palmer isn't playing. Maybe we'll really see how good of a team we have this year. It's probably a good thing that I'm very forgiving and pretty easy to please.

SCRRREEEECCCCHHHHH!!!!!!!

That devastating sound is me applying the breaks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you know TPG are I are going toe to toe in round two this evening ......that was until about 10 minutes ago! I guess more practicing for at least 2 more months is in order. I am a little disappointed to say the least but I know it will be worth the wait.

It was recommended by my friend Malea to look into getting AFLAC coverage for my pregnancy & maternity leave. She had coverage for the birth of her 2nd son, which happened to be premature. Malea was pleased to tell me how the benefits were more then helpful during their tough time and extended NICU stay. I'm already an Accidental Policy holder but today decided to expand my coverage to include Hospital & Disability Benefits as well.

So what that means is that I can't get knocked up before November 1st 2008. My employer doesn't offer any maternity benefits to us. Probably because we're out numbered 14 ladies to 400 men and it doesn't really fit them to provided benefits to so few of us. Breaking it down to.... I get pregnant and take 8 weeks maternity leave without any supplemental income. This wouldn't really be a problem but I have a spending problem and 8 weeks off without pay would be detrimental to OUR savings account. Now granted, I could "save" a few extra bucks to get me through the tough times but we all know that's not going to happen.

So a big thanks to Malea for encouraging me to increase my AFLAC coverage & enjoy a few more weeks of Cherry Vodka.....I do need a little something to wash away my sorrows of pregnancy postponing!

AFLAC!

Round #2

Turns out that I didn't get knocked up this month. I little disappointing to say the least but also a bit relieving! I'm disappointed because I miscalculated my cycle by two days and apparently that makes a huge difference in the world of ovulation. Relieved because we've had this Adult Lake Weekend planned for weeks and being pregnant really dampens the mood especially since I'm known as "The Party Starter" and I take my job very seriously!

Our original conception plan was outlined to begin in September anyway. So I suppose we're really on track which is a good thing. Besides I've really come to love Three Olive's Cherry Vodka with a little Sprite. It's been my drink of the summer & a few more bottles is probably all I have left in me at this point.

So with my summer cherry flavored alcoholism exposed.
Let the games begin!

Round #2

MySpace Countdowns

We Celebrate all week long....

Well, we're not really doing anything to "celebrate" our 3rd Anniversary tonight considering we hosted a dinner party for 2 other couples who share the same anniversary of 8/18. That dinner party turned into a ridiculously crazy after party that ended around 5am & I think we're still recovering from it. We have also planned some "adult" time at The Lake this weekend with one of the other couples and it's going to be pretty intense. It's nice to get away sometimes and reconnect with other adults and leave the kiddies behind.

I'll be happy to tell you some of the crazy stories that have yet to be made. In the mean time I'll post pics of the people who are sharing in our adult play time.

This is Jenni.....you already met her. She is CRAZY and addicted to zumba....which is what I believe she is possibly doing in this particular picture.


Here is TPG and Chris (Jenni's husband). He is absolutely the logical, sensible and "stable" partner in their marriage. Chris informed me that I was responsible for babysitting Jenni during our lake weekend. I then asked him who was responsible for babysitting ME?


In this picture we have Mark & The kid sister. Yeah...Yeah, I know she gorgeous & a blonde bombshell but I always tell her thank god she's pretty and at least one sister has to be blessed with the brains! HAHAHAHA! That is such a joke.....she is a Junior and Miami University, doing quite well and pretty much "the total package"......Barbie Doll BITCH!


And then there's ME. I still know how to have fun.....I think!


So..... Happy 3rd Anniversary Brandon. I still love you after 3 years of marriage and over 10 years of being partners in crime. I just hope we stay married after the Wet & Wild weekend I'm about to put him through!

Happy 3rd Anniversary to The Pepsi Guy!

TPG & I are celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary today.

We were married at my parents lake house in Dixie Bend Retreat located just outside Burnside Kentucky. We filed for our marriage license in Pulaski County. Their application for a license actually asked if we were "next of kin"....no lie! You know because that's an important questions to ask people who choose to marry in The Common Wealth of Kentucky.

As you can see.....our wedding was made up of stories nothing short of a "Woolsie Fairy Tale"
Our wedding was documented as the first wedding ever in Dixie Bend and it was an event that really brought the drunken golf cart community together. TPG and I are still considered to have nothing sort of celebrity status amongst the locals at the retreat..... it is Kentucky you know!

Most people have a limousine awaiting the newly weds as they leave their reception. MOST PEOPLE! We however had the pleasure of exiting our Woolsie style reception on a Couch Tour. You heard me correctly.....C-O-U-C-H T-O-U-R and it f**king ROCKED! You see couch tours are not necessarily uncommon in Dixie Bend and the summer of 2005 was the year the tour was actually invented. As a surprise wedding gift to the Guru's, some dear family friends decorated their trailer and supplied their personal furnishing so our entire Bridal Party could partake in the Grand Tour together.
The fellow party goers then follow behind on what ever means of transportation available.... golf carts & 4-wheelers. It was incredible! As we toured though the narrow mostly gravel roads of Dixie Bend we started drawing a crowd as people come out of their homes to watch the druken parade. Some of them even set up lawn chairs and packed coolers just to watch as the Couch Tour passed by many times. It's been rumored that the final count of the Guru's Couch Tour that passed through Dixie Bend on August 20th 2005 exceeded over 50 well wished who followed the newly wed couple that reached over 1/4 mile long....... so they say.

There hasn't been a single trip that's gone by at The Lake that someone hasn't mention our wedding or something outrageously funny that happened at it. We've even been told by many people that it was one of those weddings that's impossible to top.

I know TPG and I had the perfect wedding....A Perfect Wedding for US! It may not be a Fairy Tale but it was our "Woolsie Fairy Tale" and we wouldn't have had it any other way.

• Reserving the Shelter in Dixie Bend with a lake front view = $0
• Beer, catering and wedding cake for 40 invited guest = $1500
• Photography & Minister = $100
• Marrying my Sweetheart & having the time of my life = PRICELESS
  

For the record, our reception back at home in Ohio was far more classic & traditional. We only act like hillbilly's in Kentucky!

• Doing it all over again "With Class" on Daddy's Master Card = PRICELESS
  

*I've searched high & low for pictures of the couch tour but I think most of it's on video. Unfortunately I can not locate them at this time but will surely post them as they are found*

Happy Birthday to .....

Good Girl!
As you know her birthday was on Sunday. We had a wonderful party with more guest then we expected but all went well.

GG had no clue why everyone was gather around or why she was the center of attention ...... but she loved it anyway! The older kiddies really enjoyed the slip-n-slide but the most fun was spent playing with the sprinkler ball. She received this last year as a 1st birthday present but we never actually open it until the day of her 2nd party. Those kiddies had a blast with his silly thing trying to push, pull, roll by whatever means necessary to get the other children wet.

It's an excellent gift idea for anyone ages 1-13 or so and cost less then $15.

After the water games had ended.....by force, we settled down to eat pizza. It was quick & easy and who doesn't love a pizza birthday party. Besides, when you're this hungry..... you consider eating anything .....almost edible!

More wet water games and then we "Let Them Eat Cake".

We finally open the gifts for what seems like an eternity later. But really I opened gifts while GG cried because she wanted to play with the last 30 gifts we previously opened.


While things were winding down and the guest were leaving I noticed GG & Drew were spending a lot of time together. Mostly fighting over some great new toy or basically wanting what he other one was so intently playing with. And then it happened.....I witnessed it for myself.
He tried to slip her the tongue!


I know it may have been her 2nd Birthday and you love her because she's a good candidate for your "Future Wife" ..... BUT I've got my eye on you...... you little bastard!

Who wears the pants around here .....

They may be slightly larger and longer but they are definitely MY PANTS!!!!
* I can only say this because TPG doesn't read my blog*

Isn't it fun to play the game with your significant other ..... you know the game where "they think their making all the decisions but you conscientiously PERSUADE them to your way of thinking & they don't even know it"? We just recently started playing this game because the other game of "let me ask your opinion and then ultimately choose the opposite of what you said" got old & he finally caught on!

As you already know, we had a little mishap regarding GG trying to give our love seat a "perm". (thanks Malea). The few days prior to the purchase of new furniture, TPG had began to show of obvious signs of OCD. I began to notice how he could no longer pass the tarnished furnishing without stopping to take a closer look, reminding GG that what she had done wasn't nice and how now it's very ugly. I had to put an end to his misery when GG began to pick up his newest traits. I think her theatrical performance of "Oh no Ma'ma look. Nasty! UGLY! I did it!" was some what rehearsed but well worth his time.

Our Elder Beerman shopping experience was nothing short of hysterical. We briefly searched a few other locations but ended up with a final purchase of a brand spanking new living room suit from Value City Furniture. However they should seriously consider a name change to "City Furniture" because the Value as in PRICE wasn't any better then most places. We were drawn in by the larger selection and 1/2 price clearance signs in the window (so he thinks) but as you know we were headed there all along (because I said so). It was so wonderful to see TPG and GG hand in hand walking down every isle and testing out their potential purchase. GG ran from sofa to sofa bouncing from chair to love seat "testing the durability" I told the salesman, wearing herself out for a nap I secretly hoped.

TPG had his heart set & mind made up on a on a new sectional and love seat combo in the light tan, excuse me "Cobblestone" color. Even though we found several items we really loved, very few of them would have actually worked in the awkward space of the living room. However, I secretly persuaded him to look at the 3 piece suit I fell in love with immediately. He wasn't quite sold at first but we ended up purchasing "MY" choice in "Sage" to say the least. It has a pretty awesome corduroy microfiber textile. I'm not a fan of the traditional microfiber look because it shows EVERY SINGLE STAIN. In good measure, we also purchased the 7 year scotch guard warranty ...... which actually does cover "Couch Perming" because I definitely asked and believe it or not "Piss". Human or Animal bodily secretions are completely covered for 7 years. No questions asked....because sometime it's better if you just don't ask questions! The warranty is well worth the money spent because GG is more naked then ever with our potty training adventures and she has a lot of child-size orphases that bodily secretions seep out of! So I have at LEAST 7 years to get her potty trained and the other leaks fixed ..... SWEET!

Our new living room suit is being delivered on Thursday. Considering it's one of few real adult NEW furniture purchase, we went all out with the home delivery & warranty crap. We're such armatures!

So here it is, pictured without the love seat and a glass coffee table that we didn't purchase. We went for a more kid friendly one instead.

So, Thank You GG for ruining our other furniture. I just wanted to let you know that one day you'll be able to take our new living room suit off to college with you ...... since we used most of your savings to pay for it! Just kidding! We told her that in hopes that she wouldn't ruin it ....at least right away ..... but she just stared at us blankly while picking her nose. It's must have been quite the winner too!!!

This post is completely random .....

GG has been showing signs that she is ready to start toilet training. I have really tried to put off the whole "potty training" game with her because of our bathroom situation. Now, it looks like I have no choice in the matter! She will be having her 2nd birthday on August 3rd and many people tell me it's okay to start playing with the idea if she is "mature" enough. I think that's funny .... a "mature 2 yr. old". Last night she was "playing" in the playroom when she decided to remove her diaper and proceed to poop on the floor. Because she is so kind she decided to yell "Ma'ma come wook" I stalled a few moments before walking into my wonderful surprise. GG looks at me and says "So nasty, clean it". I couldn't help but laugh because it was pretty damn funny. That is until I had to clean it.

Now this isn't the first time we've had this issue. Just last week, when I came home from work, TPG was "napping" on the couch ..... which he does a lot. He claims that GG was "napping" next to him and must have awaken with him noticing. In all of her unsupervised glory, she removed her diaper and pooped once again in her playroom, except this time smearing it all over the glass window to the door. It was an easy clean up but still very nasty & very stinky. When I found my poop covered & smeared baby she was sitting naked in her hair chair and sniffing her pooped stained fingers repeating "nasty....stinky....nasty" over & over again. It was as though she was traumatized by her smearing event, which may be why it only happened the one time.

With perfect timing to my stressful situation, Sweetened*Taters posted these potty training tips for those of us about to begin our journey.

Does anyone else have any helpful tips that may have worked for you? Wish us luck, sounds like we're going to need it!

On another final note.

This is what happens when Ma'ma is away and TPG is "napping" on the couch.

Like I said, it happens a lot.

This is GG after she found a jar Vicks Medicated Vapor Rub from a location that I was unaware it had been stored. Amazed that she actually got the lid off, she decided to try this rub out as a new hair styling product. Apparently, it was too "nasty" on her fingers so she decided to wipe the mess all over the microfiber love seat & coffee table ...... because they were conveniently close. She walked around for a few hours sniffing her newly opened sinuses and convincingly claimed"mmm good" as if she were really enjoying the mentholyptus smell that she couldn't escape.

We're now looking to investing in a new living room suit. TPG had me looking at Elder Beermans furniture department this week because they were having a "Big Sale". I laughed the entire time thinking I could pay off my student loans with these prices. I, of all people, was encouraging him to shop at Value City or even Big Lots in search of new furniture .......just hoping that it might last long enough to pass my bill in Congress allowing parents to "beat your children and not be punished by law if you have documented proof" (see above).

Going Green'ish for some Green Backs.....

I have the hardest time with saying I'm going to do something & then actually following thought with real action. I believe that's why I truly am a "Procrastinating Perfectionist".

Since I stared blogging again, I've been reading a lot of blogs written by stay at home moms. I am also completely convinced that all bloggers fall under this category, with me as the exception. This is only because I blog while I'm at "work" and they pay me to do so....they just don't know it. A lot of the blogs I read are about surviving on a single income and making the most of the money they do have. I have started to take interest in this subject even thought we are not limited to a single income, but one day I may consider it. You see I like to work, use my brain, talk to people and have a productive adult life outside the home. I never pictured myself as the Stay-At-Home type. I mean I paid/still paying a lot of money for a college education and to think that it's all wasted money kind of bothers me.... but that's a personal opinion.

I decided to start changing the way I do things. Small changes of course. Some of these things actually make no sense to me right now but I hope in the long run I can see a difference with positive results. A few of my first resolves are listed below with detailed steps in how I plan to achieve them.

• Clipping Coupons - TPG does 100% of our grocery shopping and 99% of our cooking, and we eat at home A LOT! He actually despises taking GG & I to the grocery store with him because our bill almost doubles and we buy a lot of things that go unused or simply wasted. Today I subscribed to our local paper in order to get the Sunday advertisements and as long as I save $25 in the next 13 weeks, it was a pretty good idea. I plan to clip coupons for the items we already shop for at the local stores we already shop at. I know TPG doesn't want to be bothered with the task of coupons at the grocery so I'm planning on helping him by creating my famous "list" before going and sticking to it while we're there. I think we can really save a lot a money in trying something new like this.

• Free Grabber - I found this website on another blog and it instantly "grabbed" my attention. What a great way to get coupons and try new products for free. I've already signed up to get many free samples and you get to pick only the ones you're really interested in. I'll keep you posted on how this goes but you really should check it out for yourself.

• Save My Money - The only reason I truly have to work full time is because......I can't believe I'm actually saying it...... OUT LOUD ....... but I addicted to spend money. TPG and I still operate on separate bank accounts. Mostly because of this reason and how I feel that as long as I work that I should be in charge of my own finances. Now don't get me wrong, we do have several joint accounts that we both contribute funds that pay our household expenses. I used to call this "fun money" but I recently renamed it "the pot we both piss in". TPG is amazing with his his money and for that I am so thankful! It's just something I don't even have to worry about and it's a good feeling. That's how we compliment each other and never fight over money. He covers a large part of household expenses and I cover mine & GG's expenses. That kid cost me a fortune for the record. I know I could do better at pissing more into my personal pot and I'm challenging myself to do this.

• Going Green...or at least "Green'ish" - Going Green is such a commitment! I want to start doing a few easy things like recycling. We have a lot soda cans because.....well come on....... I am married to The Pepsi Guy and all, so disposing of my cans properly while making a nickel or two sounds like a win-win for everyone. I also think recycling the newspaper I just subscribed to would be a good idea. I can already hear him bitching about the paper laying all over the house after I clip the coupons & GG gets a hold of it!
  

Do my readers have any helpful but most importantly EASY suggestions on saving money and going green'ish that you'd like to share?

Welcome to Dixie Bend.....

My parents have a lake house just outside Burnside, Kentucky on Lake Cumberland. For many years we have spent the summers enjoying all of the fine amenities of Dixie Bend Retreat, which is where our family place is. TPG and I were married in Dixie Bend, GG was most likely conceived in DB and I have many other fond memories from "The Lake".

I also have some not so fond memories.

"The Lake" is in Pulaski County, Kentucky. This particular county and most surrounding lake counties are what they call "DRY" counties......which basically means you can not buy, sell or serve alcohol because it illegal...... you know like Prohibition! So there is the basic rule to bring in your own "adult beverages", just don't get caught! There is also the rule that if you brought it in.....then it must be consumed before you leave! Here is where the problem usually begins. My father is employed by The Miller Brewery Company. Miller Beer is one thing that is a constant in my family, especially during the summer months. Dixie Bend is what most would assume a "drinking community". It's that simple.....you boat during the day, golf cart cruise during evening, bonfire after parties....all while drinking.....the whole time. Someone is bound to be the drunk of the weekend & it's usually someone new every weekend! Everyone has been there & shared the same song ...... usually it's Billy Joel's "Piano Man".

You know when you're designated the weekend drunk when you hear "This is for your safety & most importantly the safety of those around you". Then you are presented with this gift......

The Super Dave Safety Helmet!

Seriously folks......you can't make this shit up if you tried! Yes, that is a picture of me wearing the "Super Dave" helmet while my younger brother Nicholas punches me in the head. I'll admit that's not one of my proudest moments but it's still DAMN FUNNY!

As we head down to The Lake this weekend to celebrate our Independence......I solemnly pledge to not be asked to wear the helmet. However, I do pledge to make that silly Mother F**ker punching me in the head righteously earn the title of "The Weekend Drunk".

Details & pics to follow.

WHAT.......I'm PREGNANT!!!!!

Here you go mommies - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about your first born!

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED?
Yes, I tried and conceived the first month.

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME?
Yes, Brandon & I were married in August & pregnant in November.

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?
I was VERY scared but also EXCITED!!!

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU?
No.

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
27

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
A pregnancy test.

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
Brandon.

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
I didn't want to know but it was very important to BB.

9. DUE DATE?
August 7th, 2006

10. DID YOU DELIVER EARLY OR LATE?
Early, August 3rd, 2006

11. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?
No, not at all. I was very lucky!

12. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
Sonic slushies, Watermellon & Corndogs

13. WHO IRRITATED YOU THE MOST?
Probably my M-I-L

14. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILDS SEX?
Girl

15. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
At first I really wanted a Boy but I was also tickled to have a Girl too!

16. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
27 lbs.

17. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
Yes, I had several of them.

18. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW?
I knew about them even thought one was a "surprise".

19. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?
No.

20.WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Middletown Regional Hospital

21. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
13 hours but it was actually pretty painless. I pushed for 20 mins & popped her out.

22.WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
Brandon

23.WHO WATCHED?
Brandon and the medical staff, of course. No one else was permitted (BY ME!)

24.WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
Natural

25.DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
Yes and it was HORRIBLE. It worked but I didn't like not feeling my LEGS!

26. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH?
6lbs 10 oz

27.DID YOUR CHILD HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS?
No.

28.WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?
Kendall Kathleen Bartrum.

29. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY?
13 months & 3 days.

Introducing........US!

We are the Guru's. That of course is NOT our real last name because that's just silly BUT for blogging sake, let's just roll with it! We consider ourselves to be a "normal" family but to some.....okay..... most people may disagree. I am constantly reminding my husband The Pepsi Guy that our sweet daughter, Good Girl, will need therapy at some point in her adult life because she is lucky enough to call us "Her Parents"! I personally know that one day she'll repeat "that quote" out loud when introducing us and be completely embarrassed. We on the other hand will try our best to completely embarrass her, much like our parents did throughout our childhoods. I will consider this my responsibility as a parent to help "build her character" just as my mother once told me. Don't you think I turned out alright? Okay.....don't answer that question just yet!