Extended Naps are Great...

Until they wake up!

This is the conversation I just had with GG.


GG: Mama.....I need you help! (whiny , sleepy yell)

Kimmguru: GG come out here if you're awake. (she does talk in her sleep)

GG: Mama....I need you help me....I all wet!

Kimmguru: Did you have an accident?

GG: No....I dest all wet!

Kimmguru: Well it looks like you peed the bed. Did you have an accident?

GG: No.....(looking round)....I dest think Bill Bo (the cat) was peeing on me.

Kimmguru: Hmmm....Bill Bo is still sleeping and your panties are all wet. I promise you're not in trouble.

GG: Bill Bo dest sleeping & he had dee accident! Mama, I all wet & I need more panties.

Kimmguru: Okay, let's get up & change your clothes.

GG: Dest leave me alone! Bill Bo need get up and not pee on me no more!

So, apparently she is convinced the damn cat has some sort of vendetta against her & decided to pee on her while she was sleeping. There's no convincing her other wise. I didn't have the heart to tell her the stupid cat was sleeping on the couch next to me the entire time!

Complete Protection is Really Priceless.....

Today is the first really rainy & gloomy day we've had in quite a while. GG is feeling grumpy & a little feverish today....so she is napping early.......and LOOOONG!

Now that it's finally in the heat of the summer here in Ohio....some things in our day are pretty much a definite. Endless hours outside playing does have it benefits as well as consequences. Sunblock is staple in our daily routine & one that GG has become accustom to. She will actually remind me if I forgot to put it on her because apparently UV rays is something she doesn't take lightly.

This is what happens when you leave a nearly 3 yr. old (with serious sun protection issues) alone for just a few moments.


I actually love the fact that she's not allowed to touch her "hello kitty".....and that's almost the only part not covered in SPF 50. It only goes to show that as a mother, repeating yourself 1000's of times....will eventually sink in......especially at the most absurd & unexpected times!

Insane Madness.....

I told myself that I wouldn't start my week off as "Debbie Downer"!
Too late! There's no stopping the ball....because it's already in motion!

I received a telephone call from my father today. This is the man I admire most in all the world, that one person I would hate to disappoint and whom also has extremely high expectations for me to achieve greatness!

I love him! But today.....I really pissed him off....BIG TIME! I'm talking BIG TIME ..... like I have never done such a thing in my entire 30 years and it felt great!

He's call to me was strictly business in regards to my relationship with Mr. BIGWOOD. The word has leaked out to the parents about the dispute and they have now become involved because Mr. BIGWOOD is a big fat sissy and at 32yrs. old tells his daddy about the drama he has started....some how manages to blame me for.

Senior BIGWOOD has taken it upon himself to end this sibling rivalry. Of course he calls Mr. BIGWOOD first to hear his side of the story, which undoubtedly was completely fabricated into what he thinks our father wanted to hear in order to side with him. I on the other hand told the truth and nothing but the truth, basically from the beginning, without hiding a single detail. I even mentioned the voice mails I have saved as audio proof...... including the one where he express his hopes of my suicide or death by any means...No Kidding!

You can say that at this point Senior BIGWOOD isn't very happy......with either one of his. He's mad because this has continued on for months and everyone knows about it but him. He asked me to "squash" all of the nonsense and to let everything go. I explained to him, that I was not to blame for the continuation of the fight because I am not a grudge holder (which he obviously knows) but he continues to lie and make shit up so he can hide his secrets from the bitch he's married to. I explained that regardless of an apology from Mr.BIGWOOD, my relationship would never be the same with him.

Basically my call ended with Senior being mad at me for not being the bigger person in the matter. I'm sure that after he settles down a bit he will understand. My entire purpose in holding my ground is to make a point. That point is that I will no longer tolerate Mr. BIGWOOD, Big Fat Sissy Pants, treating me like SHIT! If that means that I will no longer have a relationship with him the rest of my life....well, so FUCKING be it! I'll take this fight to my grave.

It's that time of year.....

Fall in our home represents many different things. One of our favorite adventures starts this Saturday and continues on until the end of April!

Good Girl starts gymnastics again.....and boy is she super excited! I finally told her over the weekend that we were getting ready to start the new session after having the long summer off. She was so excited about the news, she felt obligated to start practicing at that very moment.

GG's weekend was filled with somersaults, marching, tip toe walking, jumping and spinning in circles until she fell to the floor giggling! TPG and I love taking the class with GG because she really does so well on all of the apparatuses. It's almost like it's her natural ability to hang upside down like a monkey and swing from ropes. One of our instructors said GG has the potential to be an excellent gymnast and has a lot of the things they look for to build their competitive team....which I took as...open up the pocket book and start dishing out the funds! The only problem is, she gets bored easily when another classmate don't "pick up" as easily as she does....so she wants to do what the 4-5 yr olds are doing. It absolutely takes TPG and I both to tag team her energy during the class, while other children easily accomplish the same things with just one parent.

So here she is doing one of the things she is as passionate about as bubbles, Dora the Explorer and riding her tricycle backwards!

Marching with her Daddy

She loved to swing on the rope!

The bar is one of her best apparatuses!

I can hardly keep up with her on the balance beam!

Dear Good Girl,
I hope you do exceptionally well at gymnastics! Not that I don't want you to do well at other things in life but this particular hobby is your meal ticket to college. I am discussing this with you in advance so it's no surprise to you in the future when we explain that your college savings was spent by funding your passion as an adolescent for competitive gymnastics . Therefore, you have no choice but to get an athletic scholarship to fund your higher education or get a job at McDonald's selling double cheeseburgers off the dollar menu. Just know TPG & I did the best we can!

Good Luck!
Mama

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.....

I am officially a mother who has suffered a traumatic event that will forever change the relationship I have with my child.

I pride myself in knowing that I can handle the most stressful situations head on with a calm and tactful approach that has been proven time and time again to work. I am mentally strong! TPG on the other hand is far more emotional, always expects the worse outcome and extremely squeamish and disgusted at the first sight of blood, gore or needles. He's a Big Fat Sissy!

Last Monday afternoon, while I was at work, TPG and GG were enjoying a nice bubble bath. As TPG got out and started to shave at the sink, he let her continue to play while the water was draining out. Moments later GG said "Wook Sissy!!!"as she proceeded to show him her new fun trick "Jumping". Apparently jumping with bubbles and water involved is far more impressive then just regular jumping. Before TPG realized exactly what she was about to do….she slipped, fell and busted the bottom of her chin open on the side of our new bathtub. She began bleeding on impact as TPG started to freak out. He was covered in shave cream, she in blood stained bubbles, both completely naked. He called me at work moments after he applied pressure to her chin and started to stop the bleeding.

I met him a few minutes later at the Emergency Room where we spent the next 4.5 hours with a sweet little but extremely tough baby girl. She would tell me, "Mama what happened? My Boo Boo!" then continued to run and play with the other children also waiting. It was obvious that we were a perfect fit during our timely stay. I'm mean sure...GG is wearing mismatched pajamas crazy shoes that may or may not have actually fit with her wet crazy hair that desperately needed to be brushed. TPG throw on the first thing that he could grab which included a pair of basketball shorts that he DESPERATELY needed to be wearing underwear with. Seriously TPG...your junk was all over the place and I saw people talking/pointing when you went to the restroom. They probably thought I was their social worker with my suit & sassy heels on.

Once we were finally back in our room, the doctor came in to explain how the procedure was going to take place. GG immediately knew something was about to go down and she would ultimately be involved! I was holding her in my arms when she hugged me close to her and said "Mama, help me please!". It was something I will never forget. There wasn't any thing I could do to help her and it made me tear up knowing she was looking to me for her safety and most importantly ..... strength! TPG started to tear up too because he knew how hard it was for me to hear her little plea for help.

Once the doctor came back into the room GG was rolled up like a burrito, which was funny because she thought she was going to eat a burrito when they explained it to us. They blind folded her and began to sew up our scared little girl. The entire procedure was over in a few extremely difficult to watch minutes. TPG nearly passed out and couldn't bare to watch them sew her back together. GG received 6 stitched to the bottom of her chin and she took it like a champ! I was talking to her the entire time while trying to keep her calm. She reassured me that she was Good Girl and that she loved ice cream.

Once the traumatic event was finally over and I held her in my arms again, she turned to the doctor and told her "Thank you. Good Job!" and finally "I love you!". The doctor said that was the sweetest thing she had ever been told by a little one she pieced back together.

GG would not keep a band-aide over her stitches but she didn't even really know they are there. Every now and again she'd reach for my hand to scratch them for her but she won't touch them. The stitches were removed on Saturday, without incident and she'll make a full recovery!

It was absolutely the hardest thing TPG & I have ever been through as parents. GG knows we'll always there for her and she has been so extremely sweet to us, especially me because I was there for her and made her feel safe, when really all I did was hold her, confess my love for ice cream too and be her mama.

This picture was taken the next day while she was sleeping in her car seat. They look so much bigger in the picture then they really were.

Unpaid leave of absence....

I do sincerely and deeply apologize to all of you for my "unpaid" leave of absence. Of course it's unpaid because it's not like a vacation when someone will magically start writing for me this blog for me!

K'man.......it's not you.....IT'S ME!

Here comes the milking part! I have been terribly consumed with my own personal endeavors that I've not had a moments time to share them with you. Here's what I've been up to in chronological order of events.....

• Blackout of 2008
• MySpace Mafia Wars
• Death in Family
• Mafia Wars
• GG trip to Emergency Room
• Mafia Wars

Since I've been playing Mafia Wars of MySpace (5 days), I've started to notice a pattern of negative or destructive "coincidences" happening all around me. Maybe I should check into reality again and possible take a shower sometime today!

I'll be sure to fill you in on the details of the past week or so ...... just as soon as I re-up my energy and stamina, buy a tommy gun, rob the museum and fight a rival mob.

I mean it.....

I have started to notice more and more that every thing TPG & I say is now being repeated by GG. I knew this day would come, it just came FASTER then we expected.

Apparently, I often say the following phrases:

• I mean it
• I see you
• Listen to me
  
• Oh Boy!

She has incorporated these phrases into her everyday conversation and sometimes it's very interesting. Especially when she combines them all together like "Oh boy, I see you! Listen to me, I mean it!" which actually happens quite a bit.....bossy little 2yr old!

The Pepsi Guy's vocabulary is a bit more graphic to say the least, especially while on the telephone with his "boyfriends". I have often asked him to watch the uses of his expletive vocabulary in front of GG. He would catch himself after the fact and I would give him the look.

Last week while cruising through the drive thru, TPG was rather anxious and loudly proclaimed "Move up Bitch". Moments later from the back seat.....guess what we heard in Slow Motion. Our hearts stopped beating for what seems like an eternity as our sweet little girl proudly announces "M O V E- I T- B I S H" (that's the reenactment in slow motion). After the awkward moment of silence and The Look, I asked TPG if he were proud of himself. I shamed him by explaining how the innocence of our sweet child is now gone.....GONE FOREVER!

It's obvious that my hard tactics have made an improvement, at least I like to think so. However, I truly know that for TPG to hear GG's profane laced potty mouth has really made an impact on his daily life. He now uses words like shoot, heck, darn and my personal favorite .... stinken!

So.....great job TPG! Keep up the good work you .... C*@k S*%&ing S@n *f @ B*%#$@H! I'm STINKEN proud of you!

SCRRREEEECCCCHHHHH!!!!!!!

That devastating sound is me applying the breaks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you know TPG are I are going toe to toe in round two this evening ......that was until about 10 minutes ago! I guess more practicing for at least 2 more months is in order. I am a little disappointed to say the least but I know it will be worth the wait.

It was recommended by my friend Malea to look into getting AFLAC coverage for my pregnancy & maternity leave. She had coverage for the birth of her 2nd son, which happened to be premature. Malea was pleased to tell me how the benefits were more then helpful during their tough time and extended NICU stay. I'm already an Accidental Policy holder but today decided to expand my coverage to include Hospital & Disability Benefits as well.

So what that means is that I can't get knocked up before November 1st 2008. My employer doesn't offer any maternity benefits to us. Probably because we're out numbered 14 ladies to 400 men and it doesn't really fit them to provided benefits to so few of us. Breaking it down to.... I get pregnant and take 8 weeks maternity leave without any supplemental income. This wouldn't really be a problem but I have a spending problem and 8 weeks off without pay would be detrimental to OUR savings account. Now granted, I could "save" a few extra bucks to get me through the tough times but we all know that's not going to happen.

So a big thanks to Malea for encouraging me to increase my AFLAC coverage & enjoy a few more weeks of Cherry Vodka.....I do need a little something to wash away my sorrows of pregnancy postponing!

AFLAC!

Round #2

Turns out that I didn't get knocked up this month. I little disappointing to say the least but also a bit relieving! I'm disappointed because I miscalculated my cycle by two days and apparently that makes a huge difference in the world of ovulation. Relieved because we've had this Adult Lake Weekend planned for weeks and being pregnant really dampens the mood especially since I'm known as "The Party Starter" and I take my job very seriously!

Our original conception plan was outlined to begin in September anyway. So I suppose we're really on track which is a good thing. Besides I've really come to love Three Olive's Cherry Vodka with a little Sprite. It's been my drink of the summer & a few more bottles is probably all I have left in me at this point.

So with my summer cherry flavored alcoholism exposed.
Let the games begin!

Round #2

MySpace Countdowns

Looky what I can do.....

We have officially started ...... need I say it ..... POTTY TRAINING.

We've had kind of a lazy start, meaning I've been lazy about it. I'm just not ready to dedicate ALL OF MY TIME to toilet training. I'm seriously okay with the whole diaper thing ... for a few more months ....or even years! I would be totally okay with it ..... IF SHE WOULD KEEP THEM ON!

So, now I'm faced with the dilemma of letting my mini-nudest roam the house bare bottomed like some kind of feral child or buckle down and train her to use the damn pot!

So here we go .....
Countless times I've had her sitting there .... without any success. I'll step outside into the hallway and give her the much needed privacy she demands. I'll let her watch me use the bathroom and she'll cheer me on with high fives and special jumping acrobatics. Then it's GG's turn to demonstrate what she's just learned. We'll go through the motions of making the "psssst" noises, flushing, waving bye-bye to the non-existent disposal, washing our hands with our new big kid soap and finish up with an encouraging words of "Almost, maybe next time!"

She enjoys the freedom of wearing the new big girl panties we just got her. They seem to help me at least identify the so called "pee-pee dance". So we'll rush off again, time after time to the potty ....... but she still won't go. I catch her moments later, hiding in the corner & peeing her in the "Big Panyee" as GG calls them.

I decided the fun has to end! No more nonsense in the bathroom is my new policy! No more flushing invisible turds or washing hands that are not soiled. Those are privileges to be experienced by children of the potty trained stature!

Wouldn't you know ...... my no nonsense approach is working..... well, at least better then the "We'll do it your way GG" style ever did.

She said...... "I do it" and giggled the the entire time she tinkled in the toilet!!! I cheered and gave out high fives as I did the silly jumps she does for me.... and it was a good day. I'm hoping all of this "patients" will be rewarded sooner then later. I know we are a long ways off from being completely trained and that she just turned 2 a few days ago. But I have already learned a few things.

1. It's really creepy letting your kid watch you pee.
2. TPG stands up to pee and it's rather confusing to GG.
3. Buy more "Big Panties"
4. And finally ...... GG, your way SUCKS!

Does anyone out their have any great tips for a newbie trainer working with stubborn trainee girl? Besides, wine......I've heard wine is helpful to trainers every where!

Happy Birthday to .....

Good Girl!
As you know her birthday was on Sunday. We had a wonderful party with more guest then we expected but all went well.

GG had no clue why everyone was gather around or why she was the center of attention ...... but she loved it anyway! The older kiddies really enjoyed the slip-n-slide but the most fun was spent playing with the sprinkler ball. She received this last year as a 1st birthday present but we never actually open it until the day of her 2nd party. Those kiddies had a blast with his silly thing trying to push, pull, roll by whatever means necessary to get the other children wet.

It's an excellent gift idea for anyone ages 1-13 or so and cost less then $15.

After the water games had ended.....by force, we settled down to eat pizza. It was quick & easy and who doesn't love a pizza birthday party. Besides, when you're this hungry..... you consider eating anything .....almost edible!

More wet water games and then we "Let Them Eat Cake".

We finally open the gifts for what seems like an eternity later. But really I opened gifts while GG cried because she wanted to play with the last 30 gifts we previously opened.


While things were winding down and the guest were leaving I noticed GG & Drew were spending a lot of time together. Mostly fighting over some great new toy or basically wanting what he other one was so intently playing with. And then it happened.....I witnessed it for myself.
He tried to slip her the tongue!


I know it may have been her 2nd Birthday and you love her because she's a good candidate for your "Future Wife" ..... BUT I've got my eye on you...... you little bastard!

My SWEETEST day.....

I'm sure I've already mentioned that I'm not really the stay at home mommy type. I really enjoy leaving the house every morning and going to work, making my own money and spending it in what ever selfish way pleases me at any given time. You see if I were to stay at home, I would completely take it all for granted. I wouldn't enjoy GG as much as I should, I'd be annoyed at everything especially TPG & I would be a fat lazy slob to top it off.

Today was one of those days. These particular days are so few and far between but this morning was one of them! It was a morning I felt like I wanted to call in sick just to stay home and play dollies, or go swimming and maybe just cuddle on the couch watching her favorite cartoons. YOu see this morning GG looked me in the eyes and said "I love you Mama". It was absolutely the sweetest, most heart warming moments that I'll never forget! It brings tears to my eyes telling you now. GG is a repeater of most things, usually on command but this wasn't prompted or programmed. She simply said it on her own and to hear her words so sweetly, made me feel complete as a parent. A feeling that I may be such a Piss Poor Parent and possibly doing something right after all because she is able to show & express her love.

I know I work full time because I choose to. I just hope that all of the Stay at home Mommies really appreciate their little ones because that truly don't stay that way. I know GG is return to being that asshole child I've come to raise as my very own when I return home this evening.

I love you too GG!

Here's to you "DUE" my future Son-In-Law

TPG and I are getting our new mobile phone today. I spent most of my yesterday "working" and downloading a lot of my pics from the phone to my photobook account. It was nostalgic looking back over the past 2 years of memories in GG's life. Then there was this little shit-head boy in a lot of my pics. His name is Drew and he's my future Son-In-Law. His father is TPG best friend since they were 4 years old. Those two are as "thick as thieves" someone one said and now we are raising our children together.

Drew's father we'll call "Dickhead" because he was a drunken asshole at their class reunion this past weekend, is a single father. It's hard to be a single parent these days & Dickhead doing well, as well as can be expected! We spend a lot of time with them and GG & Drew are big buddies. In the past few weeks Drew has been fascinated with showing everyone his wiener. GG is no exception but when she saw his little mini she gave him a very disappointed "raspberry" and continued on playing. It was hysterical....but I know one day she may actually be giving that thing "raspberries". I always mess with the children's fathers but telling them that one day "those two are going to have sex". For some reason, it's just not as funny to then as it is to me!

So here's a few of the photo's of Drew & GG. One day we'll all look back & I'll say...... "I told you my she was going to marry a dickhead"!

And finally, here is The Pepsi Guy and Dickhead. Still together after 24 years!

(L-Thick, R-Thief)

I forgot to mention....

It took seven (7) hair washings with a final rinse of Dawn to get the Vicks mess out of GG's hair. Unfortunately, the love seat wasn't as lucky.

This post is completely random .....

GG has been showing signs that she is ready to start toilet training. I have really tried to put off the whole "potty training" game with her because of our bathroom situation. Now, it looks like I have no choice in the matter! She will be having her 2nd birthday on August 3rd and many people tell me it's okay to start playing with the idea if she is "mature" enough. I think that's funny .... a "mature 2 yr. old". Last night she was "playing" in the playroom when she decided to remove her diaper and proceed to poop on the floor. Because she is so kind she decided to yell "Ma'ma come wook" I stalled a few moments before walking into my wonderful surprise. GG looks at me and says "So nasty, clean it". I couldn't help but laugh because it was pretty damn funny. That is until I had to clean it.

Now this isn't the first time we've had this issue. Just last week, when I came home from work, TPG was "napping" on the couch ..... which he does a lot. He claims that GG was "napping" next to him and must have awaken with him noticing. In all of her unsupervised glory, she removed her diaper and pooped once again in her playroom, except this time smearing it all over the glass window to the door. It was an easy clean up but still very nasty & very stinky. When I found my poop covered & smeared baby she was sitting naked in her hair chair and sniffing her pooped stained fingers repeating "nasty....stinky....nasty" over & over again. It was as though she was traumatized by her smearing event, which may be why it only happened the one time.

With perfect timing to my stressful situation, Sweetened*Taters posted these potty training tips for those of us about to begin our journey.

Does anyone else have any helpful tips that may have worked for you? Wish us luck, sounds like we're going to need it!

On another final note.

This is what happens when Ma'ma is away and TPG is "napping" on the couch.

Like I said, it happens a lot.

This is GG after she found a jar Vicks Medicated Vapor Rub from a location that I was unaware it had been stored. Amazed that she actually got the lid off, she decided to try this rub out as a new hair styling product. Apparently, it was too "nasty" on her fingers so she decided to wipe the mess all over the microfiber love seat & coffee table ...... because they were conveniently close. She walked around for a few hours sniffing her newly opened sinuses and convincingly claimed"mmm good" as if she were really enjoying the mentholyptus smell that she couldn't escape.

We're now looking to investing in a new living room suit. TPG had me looking at Elder Beermans furniture department this week because they were having a "Big Sale". I laughed the entire time thinking I could pay off my student loans with these prices. I, of all people, was encouraging him to shop at Value City or even Big Lots in search of new furniture .......just hoping that it might last long enough to pass my bill in Congress allowing parents to "beat your children and not be punished by law if you have documented proof" (see above).

Let the count down BEGIN .....

Baby making season is just around the corner.

Consider this your Public Service Announcement.

I may have mentioned in an earlier post how the time has now come for the Guru's to spread our evil seed and once again reproduce. Yeah, as if GG wasn't enough evil offspring for this world.....we have chosen to offer you ..... yet another.

The Pepsi Guy & I have recently become aware that not every one plans out the pregnancies using such tools available like ovulation calendars, the internet or what ever else people plan with. You mean to tell me that people just get pregnant with out even trying.... or planning?!?!?! Okay, that's a joke but the reaction to planning such an event is often the same.

I like to make list, follow schedules, be prepared and these things alone take up a large part of my day but most importantly, they make happy. I'm also 30 now & I've waited long enough to do the family thing and I'm less likely to stall longer if I "add it to my list".

While we planned our pregnancy with GG, we used the ovulation calendar and experienced conception our first month of trying. We planned almost exactly when we wanted to have a baby & then she popped out & we were prepared because we planned. TPG & I both felt strongly about waiting until she was 2 yrs. old before we planned for a second child. Now, because GG can be and usually is such an asshole, I have reconsidered this thought many times. It just so happens to be that I am extremely fertile the weekend of her birthday, which is only days away. We have come to the conclusion that #2 has to be laid back and mellow or else it will be the death of me...... or God really hates me for having more children because one on them will probably be a theorist or something.

TPG & I have a wedding to attend on Saturday evening with an Open Bar. Apparently, alcohol also helps lower your inhibitions while at the same time increasing fertility..... so I've heard.

MySpace Countdowns

Some people just need their privacy.....

Remember that tiny bathroom shower I told you about? Well, we are still confined to using it for another week or two. I have found some enlightening things about myself, GG & TPG and our ability to adapt to our environment. I'm not saying that if you through us out in the wilderness that we would actually survive.....even though we do watch Survivor Man.......sometimes.

Here's what I have learned.

1. It's possible to shower every OTHER day and not smell like a wild boar.
2. Although he may look rather small, TPG can not fit easily into confined spaces. Especially if those confined spaces require him to touch his toes or wash is bottom.
3. I can go longer then 2 days without shaving my legs! It's still not pretty.
   
4. GG enjoys the freedom of showering alone.....Very Alone.....without any adult supervision while she sings!

I may have been a little to encouraging for my nearly 2yr old daughter to shower by herself. Now, I just completely taking advantage of it! It gives me the 20 minutes of "ME" time that i really need. You know...."Leave ME the hell alone" time. I enjoy laying on my bed patiently waiting for her to finish up whatever she needs to do in there, which is usually a lot of splashing, collecting buckets of water & mostly singing. Neither TPG nor I sing in the shower but it's something she does every time ...... we enjoy listening to the silly songs she makes up. My personal favorites are "No Nana No" or "Go Maggie Go". Apparently her Nana is being bad & the dog is in her way, tough life I know!

Here is a picture of GG, alone in her shower play time.

Please take note of our very tiny watering hole but disregard the yucky scum on the tile!

And here is GG after she realized I was invading her privacy!

Let me tell you.....She was PISSED!!!! Notice how she is trying to close the door in my face as she whines out a "NNNOOOOOO"?

I'll be expecting a visit from a Children's Services very soon.....possibly Monday. After this post, I realize I may violating a few law regarding a child's safety. You know the one that are no biggie like unsupervised water play, unhealthy living conditions (soap scum), naked baby pictures on the internet.

Will any of you.....may faithful 3 readers bring me cigarettes & ramon noodle during my stint in jail?

Welcome to Dixie Bend.....

My parents have a lake house just outside Burnside, Kentucky on Lake Cumberland. For many years we have spent the summers enjoying all of the fine amenities of Dixie Bend Retreat, which is where our family place is. TPG and I were married in Dixie Bend, GG was most likely conceived in DB and I have many other fond memories from "The Lake".

I also have some not so fond memories.

"The Lake" is in Pulaski County, Kentucky. This particular county and most surrounding lake counties are what they call "DRY" counties......which basically means you can not buy, sell or serve alcohol because it illegal...... you know like Prohibition! So there is the basic rule to bring in your own "adult beverages", just don't get caught! There is also the rule that if you brought it in.....then it must be consumed before you leave! Here is where the problem usually begins. My father is employed by The Miller Brewery Company. Miller Beer is one thing that is a constant in my family, especially during the summer months. Dixie Bend is what most would assume a "drinking community". It's that simple.....you boat during the day, golf cart cruise during evening, bonfire after parties....all while drinking.....the whole time. Someone is bound to be the drunk of the weekend & it's usually someone new every weekend! Everyone has been there & shared the same song ...... usually it's Billy Joel's "Piano Man".

You know when you're designated the weekend drunk when you hear "This is for your safety & most importantly the safety of those around you". Then you are presented with this gift......

The Super Dave Safety Helmet!

Seriously folks......you can't make this shit up if you tried! Yes, that is a picture of me wearing the "Super Dave" helmet while my younger brother Nicholas punches me in the head. I'll admit that's not one of my proudest moments but it's still DAMN FUNNY!

As we head down to The Lake this weekend to celebrate our Independence......I solemnly pledge to not be asked to wear the helmet. However, I do pledge to make that silly Mother F**ker punching me in the head righteously earn the title of "The Weekend Drunk".

Details & pics to follow.

I put the Wind in the Windy City.....

Yeah, you heard me! I'm off to Chicago in a few days & I'm damn happy about it too! Don't get me wrong, I'll miss GG tremendously BUT everyone deserves a break once in a while! With that being said.....

Dear TPG,
Your break is officially over as of Thursday 6:00am! While I'm gone it's your responsibility to:

• change diapers (even the non-poopy ones)
  
• feed (prepare meals & not drive thru)
  
• bathe (at least once please)
  
• clothe (clean preferably)
  
• brush teeth (3 x per day)
  
• play
  
• bedtime routine

Please also keep in mind that these task are very structured in her daily routine. If you tell her something you're planning to do....she'll help you. This is because I have trained her well, at least better then I have trained you!

I hope that when I return from my much needed, Cosmopolitan drinking, Girlfriends weekend to Chicago that you will be more appreciative of my role as "Mama". Mostly, I hope that both you and GG are alive and healthy because last night I had a dream that she chocked on a chicken wing & then washed it down with a draft beer......at the bar.......wearing hooker boots.......while dancing on a pole......

Dawn, it takes the grease away & it's gentle on your.....

We have always tried to schedule GG's bath for at least every other day. She loves, LOVES ...... F**KEN LOVES to take a bath! She has always been a water baby, even from her very first bath at the hospital. I don't know where she gets it & we've always said "She just came that way"!

As you know, we are remodeling our main bathroom.....still. We knew it would take a few weeks and we're not a big hurry because we are fortunate enough to have another bathroom, in which I call the half bath despite the fact that it does have a shower but the sink only works about half the time. The stand up shower is a very small, claustrophobic induced 2.5' x 2.5' (at best) stall. I can't complain much because I do have a place of my own to wash my ass everyday....okay ...most days.

Since the remodel began, GG has had to take a shower with me is this very....VERY confined space. It's a real bitch too when I have to shave my legs. I've been resting my foot on her head for that extra leverage I've needed....j/k! Last night I decided I wasn't going to shower with her due to the energy I exert from the tedious task and she is to small to shower alone. This was my solution which turned into a win-win for everyone.

That is until it was time to get out! Please note the bowl was optional. GG insisted on sitting in the bowl & I just didn't really give a damn if she did or not. The continual on/off again water did take it's toll on my nerves but at least she was happy..... and clean ..... which makes me happy!