Until they wake up!
This is the conversation I just had with GG.
GG: Mama.....I need you help! (whiny , sleepy yell)
Kimmguru: GG come out here if you're awake. (she does talk in her sleep)
GG: Mama....I need you help me....I all wet!
Kimmguru: Did you have an accident?
GG: No....I dest all wet!
Kimmguru: Well it looks like you peed the bed. Did you have an accident?
GG: No.....(looking round)....I dest think Bill Bo (the cat) was peeing on me.
Kimmguru: Hmmm....Bill Bo is still sleeping and your panties are all wet. I promise you're not in trouble.
GG: Bill Bo dest sleeping & he had dee accident! Mama, I all wet & I need more panties.
Kimmguru: Okay, let's get up & change your clothes.
GG: Dest leave me alone! Bill Bo need get up and not pee on me no more!
So, apparently she is convinced the damn cat has some sort of vendetta against her & decided to pee on her while she was sleeping. There's no convincing her other wise. I didn't have the heart to tell her the stupid cat was sleeping on the couch next to me the entire time!
Showing posts with label Really Out There. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Really Out There. Show all posts
Jul 22, 2009
Complete Protection is Really Priceless.....
Today is the first really rainy & gloomy day we've had in quite a while. GG is feeling grumpy & a little feverish today....so she is napping early.......and LOOOONG!
Now that it's finally in the heat of the summer here in Ohio....some things in our day are pretty much a definite. Endless hours outside playing does have it benefits as well as consequences. Sunblock is staple in our daily routine & one that GG has become accustom to. She will actually remind me if I forgot to put it on her because apparently UV rays is something she doesn't take lightly.
This is what happens when you leave a nearly 3 yr. old (with serious sun protection issues) alone for just a few moments.
I actually love the fact that she's not allowed to touch her "hello kitty".....and that's almost the only part not covered in SPF 50. It only goes to show that as a mother, repeating yourself 1000's of times....will eventually sink in......especially at the most absurd & unexpected times!
Now that it's finally in the heat of the summer here in Ohio....some things in our day are pretty much a definite. Endless hours outside playing does have it benefits as well as consequences. Sunblock is staple in our daily routine & one that GG has become accustom to. She will actually remind me if I forgot to put it on her because apparently UV rays is something she doesn't take lightly.
This is what happens when you leave a nearly 3 yr. old (with serious sun protection issues) alone for just a few moments.
I actually love the fact that she's not allowed to touch her "hello kitty".....and that's almost the only part not covered in SPF 50. It only goes to show that as a mother, repeating yourself 1000's of times....will eventually sink in......especially at the most absurd & unexpected times!
Jul 12, 2009
A Green-ish Thumb.....
I only say “green-ish” because I was actually successful at growing some stuff!
Since I've become a stay-at-home mom last fall, I’ve become surprisingly domesticated in more ways then The Pepsi Guy or I ever imagined possible. One of these particular adventures began in the earliest of spring. GG & I decided that we were going to start a vegetable garden. TPG was against the idea from the get go! I’m sure he heavily considered the possibility that this would just be another “project” he would assume the responsibility for……like the cats.
In March, GG & I started with seeds and planted them in one of those indoor things. They grew as expected which only made our new commitment more …... committed. When the weather finally broke….TPG dug up and fertilized our very small plot….or grave site as he refers to it. The 4’X10’ plot was the only allowable space we would give us in “his” back yard. We were finally ready to plant and nurture our new hobby.
I’ll admit that it didn’t look promising that first month or so. I was actually less committed to watering the new garden ……the signs were pretty obvious. We planted 8 regular tomato plants, 8 cherry toe tomato plants, 8 cucumber plants, 4 Watermelon & 4 pumpkin plants. After that first…..rather dry month, we had a few causalities. However, 4 of the regular tomato, 1 cherry toe tomato, 1 watermelon & 1 pumpkin….were all lucky enough to call themselves survivors.
Months have passed, we water on a regular basis and we flourished. I could see that we were going to be proud of our garden when the watermelon & pumpkins started to grow. Well…at least the vines were growing & Growing & GROWING!!!! Then it happened …one day there was fruit! The pumpkins were actually “Ghost” pumpkins and then one of them some how managed to infiltrate into my neighbors yard. He's happily mowing around his new predator. Mostly because he felt bad that largest creation in my garden was now rightfully his….because possession is 9/10 of the law! I guess the grass is always greener on the other side…..and I learned that lesson from a "traitor pumpkin".
Today GG & I were trimming away some of the vines, mostly to help TPG out because they were exceeding the “allowable garden space”. More then once I saw him smile with extreme pleasure as he mowed over the vines because they were on the verge of infiltrating his personal space too. By mistake…..I trimmed one of the watermelons off of the vine. I was a little pissed at first but got over it quickly when I considered the viney mess was completely out of control ….there was bound to be more casualties involved…. And I was thankful GG & I both made it out alive. Besides…it was about time GG got to enjoy “the fruits of her labor”.
Here is GG with our first garden treat of the summer. A delicious watermelon…..look…..it’s obviously a watermelon.....prematurely picked but a watermelon none the less! She was so excited & proud!! Just look at her little future 4H face beaming!
Except.....
What the hell! Oh No! That’s not a watermelon…..it’s a f*cking pumpkin! Seriously folks……a green pumpkin disguised exactly like a watermelon….. and she was PISSED! I’ve never even seen such a site in my entire life. What the hell are we growing out there anyway….some kind of mutant hybrid …water-kins….or pumkmelon? I believe I am competent enough in my skills as a first time gardener to know & understand the difference between a pumpkin & a watermelon.....or at least I thought I was. Boy was I wrong!
I now completely understand the traitor ghost pumpkin after all. He was trying to get the hell out of our mutant garden before it was too late!!! Even pumpkins have a sence of self-preservation too.....at least I did learn that lesson from this fiasco! I’m now wondering what kind of fertilizer TPG used ….. and if anything out there is truly edible.
Jul 9, 2009
Inspiration is found.....
In the most unusual places. In my particular case it was located in Kentucky..... at the lake house this past weekend. A stranger approached me at a small gathering on Friday prior to the 4th of July. His name was John and this particular man was missing a leg. Inspiring to say the least as he played corn hole and mingled amongst the other guest. It was then that he spotted me as I sat quietly rocking Good Girl in my arms. I heard him say out loud from across the room .... "Sue! Look she's here! The guru girl is here and she has GG with her!".
The Seed Had Been Planted!
A complete stranger had read my blog and recognized me. However this recognition was bitter sweet for me......knowing how I'd left my few faithful readers high & dry for so many long months.
We continued to chat for a good while as he told me how he found me. He "googled" Dixie Bend Retreat and one of my post was the first to appear. He read my story ....several times ....laughing endlessly ...... then decided to share it with Sue, his wife. They continued to read my blog and recognized my family. It's an easy leap to make considering we're pretty much the ass clowns of the retreat.
During our conversation he asked me why I no longer continued to write. I was coming up short! I had no logical, or even a fairly decent excuse to give him. His question made me feel strangely guilty and it was at that moment that I decided to give it another try.
I mean seriously folks.......I'm practically a celebrity now.....at least in Kentucky. How can I, in good conscience keep all of this literary greatness to myself any longer?
The Seed Had Been Planted!
A complete stranger had read my blog and recognized me. However this recognition was bitter sweet for me......knowing how I'd left my few faithful readers high & dry for so many long months.
We continued to chat for a good while as he told me how he found me. He "googled" Dixie Bend Retreat and one of my post was the first to appear. He read my story ....several times ....laughing endlessly ...... then decided to share it with Sue, his wife. They continued to read my blog and recognized my family. It's an easy leap to make considering we're pretty much the ass clowns of the retreat.
During our conversation he asked me why I no longer continued to write. I was coming up short! I had no logical, or even a fairly decent excuse to give him. His question made me feel strangely guilty and it was at that moment that I decided to give it another try.
I mean seriously folks.......I'm practically a celebrity now.....at least in Kentucky. How can I, in good conscience keep all of this literary greatness to myself any longer?
Nov 4, 2008
Obama Mama.....Oh Boy!
FINALLY! The day the entire nation has waited so patiently for. I was more then pleased to be standing in line at the polls just before 7am this morning!
History is being made today and I am excited to be apart of it! However ..... it's not been an easy fight....holding my ground considering the recent events that have lead up to this historical day. I've decided to share my story with a picture enhanced essay.....the short version.
It all began this past Friday evening. I was having a pleasant, non-hostile conversation regarding the upcoming election, including the presidential candidates as well as a few local issues on the ballot. I quickly realized why I usually keep my political views to myself but considering I was with FAMILY..... I felt as though I could express my opinion with minimal judgment. I was FUCKING WRONG.... OH ..... SO WRONG! The non-hostile conversation quickly became some sort of distorted debate with an excessive amount of political smears...... lots of repeats from advertisements and fabricated stories from botched websites. It was so much fun....even if I had been numbered 10-1, hiding in the corner...... crouched down in the fetal position....I held my ground.
These people were Republican Wolves! The rabid kind...foaming at the mouth, swarming around me .....waiting for their ring leader to attack the innocent prey. After the political escapade was finally over and I regained my composure.....I felt the need to retaliate. With Vengeance! The following day we were all attending a baby shower for a family member who wasn't involved with the "negative campaigning" (must be a republican thing) the previous night.
At this point I felt the wolves were now one up on me. I couldn't let them feel the satisfaction of "winning" .... so I arrived at the baby shower wearing this..... silver glittering .....picture doesn't even do it justice.... home made shirt.
Can you believe I made this little get up myself? Lovely isn't it?!?!? I've already had 3 request to make them one, not to even mention the numerous question asking where I bought it!
Everything at the baby shower went surprisingly well with a the exception of a few stares or comments made under their breath. The score was now even and I felt complete satisfaction after seeing the shock on the faces from the same attackers just hours before.
A few days pass by without incident. That is until yesterday when I arrived home to find a package on my doorstep. It was wrapped in the Sunday comics (dead give away to the culprit) with a note that said "To the Obama Home....Love, John McCain". I opened this suspicious package to find a Limited Edition Collectors doll from The Ashton-Drake Co. Not just any doll either.....a rather small doll named KENDALL (GG's real name) and this particular treasure happened to be BLACK! Now if you know this doll company...you'll know that's a rather expensive "gag gift" considering the price alone is nearly $60. I was laughing so hard I nearly pissed my pants. "OH NO" I realized in the midst of my joy.....the score was no longer even...they were again ...one up on me.
Not to be out done by my campaigning competition....I devised a master plan. Unfortunately, Barack Obama winning the Presidency today simply isn't enough of a victory for me. I needed to take it to the next level!
The culprit is my Great Aunt Judy! She was a member of the Chicago 2008 Girlfriends Get-A-Way ...... and she really is GREAT...even without the actual title of being my Mom's aunt. The comic wrap job is a signature trademark on all of her so called pranks. Her only sister was my wonderful Grandmother Joann, who passed away in 2001. Aunt Judy has an amazing sense of humor and we all laugh & carry on when all of us are together. After her little doorway delivery yesterday....I made her a special gift and mailed it out this morning to her home.
The package included a thank you note accepting their gift graciously and letting her know that Change was on the way over the next 4 years as I plan to be a great leader! Signed "Barack "The Big O".
This hot little piggy was given to me by my Grandma Joann before she passed away. It was one of the many silly things she collected at the garage sales she loved to shop at so much. It's fate was decided yesterday as I planned to pass her along to Aunt Judy. I wasn't sad to part with Ms.Piggy either because I know she'll be taken care of. Please pray that she makes a safe arrival to her destination.....tomorrow. I am seriously worried that she may be damaged along her "campaign trail".
Now that the final day is here....I am pleased to know that we have settled our difference as mature adults and I look forward to seeing everyone over the Holidays......while I wear my shirt proudly. I think I might add something fun to the back of it.....and suggestions?
History is being made today and I am excited to be apart of it! However ..... it's not been an easy fight....holding my ground considering the recent events that have lead up to this historical day. I've decided to share my story with a picture enhanced essay.....the short version.
It all began this past Friday evening. I was having a pleasant, non-hostile conversation regarding the upcoming election, including the presidential candidates as well as a few local issues on the ballot. I quickly realized why I usually keep my political views to myself but considering I was with FAMILY..... I felt as though I could express my opinion with minimal judgment. I was FUCKING WRONG.... OH ..... SO WRONG! The non-hostile conversation quickly became some sort of distorted debate with an excessive amount of political smears...... lots of repeats from advertisements and fabricated stories from botched websites. It was so much fun....even if I had been numbered 10-1, hiding in the corner...... crouched down in the fetal position....I held my ground.
These people were Republican Wolves! The rabid kind...foaming at the mouth, swarming around me .....waiting for their ring leader to attack the innocent prey. After the political escapade was finally over and I regained my composure.....I felt the need to retaliate. With Vengeance! The following day we were all attending a baby shower for a family member who wasn't involved with the "negative campaigning" (must be a republican thing) the previous night.
At this point I felt the wolves were now one up on me. I couldn't let them feel the satisfaction of "winning" .... so I arrived at the baby shower wearing this..... silver glittering .....picture doesn't even do it justice.... home made shirt.
Can you believe I made this little get up myself? Lovely isn't it?!?!? I've already had 3 request to make them one, not to even mention the numerous question asking where I bought it!
Everything at the baby shower went surprisingly well with a the exception of a few stares or comments made under their breath. The score was now even and I felt complete satisfaction after seeing the shock on the faces from the same attackers just hours before.
A few days pass by without incident. That is until yesterday when I arrived home to find a package on my doorstep. It was wrapped in the Sunday comics (dead give away to the culprit) with a note that said "To the Obama Home....Love, John McCain". I opened this suspicious package to find a Limited Edition Collectors doll from The Ashton-Drake Co. Not just any doll either.....a rather small doll named KENDALL (GG's real name) and this particular treasure happened to be BLACK! Now if you know this doll company...you'll know that's a rather expensive "gag gift" considering the price alone is nearly $60. I was laughing so hard I nearly pissed my pants. "OH NO" I realized in the midst of my joy.....the score was no longer even...they were again ...one up on me.
Not to be out done by my campaigning competition....I devised a master plan. Unfortunately, Barack Obama winning the Presidency today simply isn't enough of a victory for me. I needed to take it to the next level!
The culprit is my Great Aunt Judy! She was a member of the Chicago 2008 Girlfriends Get-A-Way ...... and she really is GREAT...even without the actual title of being my Mom's aunt. The comic wrap job is a signature trademark on all of her so called pranks. Her only sister was my wonderful Grandmother Joann, who passed away in 2001. Aunt Judy has an amazing sense of humor and we all laugh & carry on when all of us are together. After her little doorway delivery yesterday....I made her a special gift and mailed it out this morning to her home.
The package included a thank you note accepting their gift graciously and letting her know that Change was on the way over the next 4 years as I plan to be a great leader! Signed "Barack "The Big O".
This hot little piggy was given to me by my Grandma Joann before she passed away. It was one of the many silly things she collected at the garage sales she loved to shop at so much. It's fate was decided yesterday as I planned to pass her along to Aunt Judy. I wasn't sad to part with Ms.Piggy either because I know she'll be taken care of. Please pray that she makes a safe arrival to her destination.....tomorrow. I am seriously worried that she may be damaged along her "campaign trail".
Now that the final day is here....I am pleased to know that we have settled our difference as mature adults and I look forward to seeing everyone over the Holidays......while I wear my shirt proudly. I think I might add something fun to the back of it.....and suggestions?
Oct 22, 2008
Show & Tell.....
Since my new blogging buddies, Maddness of Me & Motherhood in NYC have posted pictures on something wordless Wednesday...I don't know what the hell it's called..... I too decided to post something in my city that I get to look at everyday.
I'd like to take a moment to introduce you to my very close & personal friend......
I'd like to take a moment to introduce you to my very close & personal friend......
GIANT JESUS
Sometimes when we're just hanging out I like to call him G.J. for short. You know...cause he's my Dude.
Seriously, this statue of GJ is actually 62' high. He's located just north of Cincinnati on I-75. His church is between my "home" exit and my "work" exit and I get the pleasure of passing him every day M-F ..... sometimes up to 4 times a day!He is so famous....Wikipedia even has an entry about him. You know what they say about Wiki...once you're in there that you have officially arrived. Oh...and he is Jesus for heavens sake....we all know he's coming soon anyway!
There have been songs written about our Giant Jesus, he's been featured on an episode 3, season 1 of Rob & Big, he's pretty much a local celebrity around here. I hope you all can share the joy that I have with GJ at some point in your lives.....because GJ totally ROCKS, despite what his critics say.
Often while at work, I'm giving directions to our customers and I feel the need to tell them.... "If you found Jesus then you've gone too far!". My company hasn't quite accepted it as our new slogan but it's always good for a laugh.
I keep looking for my name in Wiki..............still waiting!
Sometimes when we're just hanging out I like to call him G.J. for short. You know...cause he's my Dude.
Seriously, this statue of GJ is actually 62' high. He's located just north of Cincinnati on I-75. His church is between my "home" exit and my "work" exit and I get the pleasure of passing him every day M-F ..... sometimes up to 4 times a day!He is so famous....Wikipedia even has an entry about him. You know what they say about Wiki...once you're in there that you have officially arrived. Oh...and he is Jesus for heavens sake....we all know he's coming soon anyway!
There have been songs written about our Giant Jesus, he's been featured on an episode 3, season 1 of Rob & Big, he's pretty much a local celebrity around here. I hope you all can share the joy that I have with GJ at some point in your lives.....because GJ totally ROCKS, despite what his critics say.
Often while at work, I'm giving directions to our customers and I feel the need to tell them.... "If you found Jesus then you've gone too far!". My company hasn't quite accepted it as our new slogan but it's always good for a laugh.
I keep looking for my name in Wiki..............still waiting!
Oct 16, 2008
Dear Malea & Loren,
We have been challenged to take the process of hair removal to the next level. With modern technology, there is nothing we can't accomplish.
Anna at Life just keeps gettin weirder was forced to face her hair removal alone. But we have something she didn't.....WE have EACH OTHER, like some strange hair removal support group.
Just remember girls....I got your back! But only the spots you can't reach yourself.
Kimmguru
Oct 13, 2008
Insane Madness.....
I told myself that I wouldn't start my week off as "Debbie Downer"!
Too late! There's no stopping the ball....because it's already in motion!
I received a telephone call from my father today. This is the man I admire most in all the world, that one person I would hate to disappoint and whom also has extremely high expectations for me to achieve greatness!
I love him! But today.....I really pissed him off....BIG TIME! I'm talking BIG TIME ..... like I have never done such a thing in my entire 30 years and it felt great!
He's call to me was strictly business in regards to my relationship with Mr. BIGWOOD. The word has leaked out to the parents about the dispute and they have now become involved because Mr. BIGWOOD is a big fat sissy and at 32yrs. old tells his daddy about the drama he has started....some how manages to blame me for.
Senior BIGWOOD has taken it upon himself to end this sibling rivalry. Of course he calls Mr. BIGWOOD first to hear his side of the story, which undoubtedly was completely fabricated into what he thinks our father wanted to hear in order to side with him. I on the other hand told the truth and nothing but the truth, basically from the beginning, without hiding a single detail. I even mentioned the voice mails I have saved as audio proof...... including the one where he express his hopes of my suicide or death by any means...No Kidding!
You can say that at this point Senior BIGWOOD isn't very happy......with either one of his. He's mad because this has continued on for months and everyone knows about it but him. He asked me to "squash" all of the nonsense and to let everything go. I explained to him, that I was not to blame for the continuation of the fight because I am not a grudge holder (which he obviously knows) but he continues to lie and make shit up so he can hide his secrets from the bitch he's married to. I explained that regardless of an apology from Mr.BIGWOOD, my relationship would never be the same with him.
Basically my call ended with Senior being mad at me for not being the bigger person in the matter. I'm sure that after he settles down a bit he will understand. My entire purpose in holding my ground is to make a point. That point is that I will no longer tolerate Mr. BIGWOOD, Big Fat Sissy Pants, treating me like SHIT! If that means that I will no longer have a relationship with him the rest of my life....well, so FUCKING be it! I'll take this fight to my grave.
Too late! There's no stopping the ball....because it's already in motion!I received a telephone call from my father today. This is the man I admire most in all the world, that one person I would hate to disappoint and whom also has extremely high expectations for me to achieve greatness!
I love him! But today.....I really pissed him off....BIG TIME! I'm talking BIG TIME ..... like I have never done such a thing in my entire 30 years and it felt great!
He's call to me was strictly business in regards to my relationship with Mr. BIGWOOD. The word has leaked out to the parents about the dispute and they have now become involved because Mr. BIGWOOD is a big fat sissy and at 32yrs. old tells his daddy about the drama he has started....some how manages to blame me for.
Senior BIGWOOD has taken it upon himself to end this sibling rivalry. Of course he calls Mr. BIGWOOD first to hear his side of the story, which undoubtedly was completely fabricated into what he thinks our father wanted to hear in order to side with him. I on the other hand told the truth and nothing but the truth, basically from the beginning, without hiding a single detail. I even mentioned the voice mails I have saved as audio proof...... including the one where he express his hopes of my suicide or death by any means...No Kidding!
You can say that at this point Senior BIGWOOD isn't very happy......with either one of his. He's mad because this has continued on for months and everyone knows about it but him. He asked me to "squash" all of the nonsense and to let everything go. I explained to him, that I was not to blame for the continuation of the fight because I am not a grudge holder (which he obviously knows) but he continues to lie and make shit up so he can hide his secrets from the bitch he's married to. I explained that regardless of an apology from Mr.BIGWOOD, my relationship would never be the same with him.
Basically my call ended with Senior being mad at me for not being the bigger person in the matter. I'm sure that after he settles down a bit he will understand. My entire purpose in holding my ground is to make a point. That point is that I will no longer tolerate Mr. BIGWOOD, Big Fat Sissy Pants, treating me like SHIT! If that means that I will no longer have a relationship with him the rest of my life....well, so FUCKING be it! I'll take this fight to my grave.
Oct 8, 2008
My Butt.....
Have you ever looked at your butt? I mean really taken a good look at it? I'm not talking about the "hole" either....I mean the cheeks.... as a whole. What a really weird thing to look at!
I am discussing this with you today because of a series of events that have recently happened and I feel the need to share. This morning, I'm walking down the dimly light hallway ..... naked. Nothing unusual from any other morning except the fact that it was much darker outside due to rain coming through the area. For whatever reason I catch a glimpse of my backside. MY BUTT! Or should I say, lack there of.
In high school my cheer squad nicknamed me "Ass Back". I'm sure it was from my lack of "junk in the trunk" if you will and I've basically been a flat wall from behind since then. Well....some things really do never change but thanks to our not so dear friend GRAVITY...... other things will!
Back to this morning. In my head I'm thinking "WTF?" almost confused as to what the piss poor lighting had to offer my eyes. My butt was long, saggy, dimply, and basically lifeless! It kind of resembled road kill that had been ran over by a semi truck......repeatedly!
In the disappointed, grief stricken moment of nakedness in the hallway..... I was PISSED. I was really pissed off at GOD!
This is what I said to him;
I decided there were a FEW things I'd like to share with them.
I am discussing this with you today because of a series of events that have recently happened and I feel the need to share. This morning, I'm walking down the dimly light hallway ..... naked. Nothing unusual from any other morning except the fact that it was much darker outside due to rain coming through the area. For whatever reason I catch a glimpse of my backside. MY BUTT! Or should I say, lack there of.
In high school my cheer squad nicknamed me "Ass Back". I'm sure it was from my lack of "junk in the trunk" if you will and I've basically been a flat wall from behind since then. Well....some things really do never change but thanks to our not so dear friend GRAVITY...... other things will!
Back to this morning. In my head I'm thinking "WTF?" almost confused as to what the piss poor lighting had to offer my eyes. My butt was long, saggy, dimply, and basically lifeless! It kind of resembled road kill that had been ran over by a semi truck......repeatedly!
In the disappointed, grief stricken moment of nakedness in the hallway..... I was PISSED. I was really pissed off at GOD!
This is what I said to him;
"God, why are you so unkind to women? Do you secretly hate us? What did we ever do to you besides eat one bad apple? We have all the hard jobs down here. Not to even mention giving birth and then raising those little monkeys too. I mean seriously DUDE, I can handle the saggy boobies because we all know they have to go somewhere.....but..... WHAT'S UP WITH THE UGLY BUTTS? Give us a break! Why can't the guys have the ugly butts? I just don't understand!"Then I suddenly remembered the letter I received in the mail last week from my Gym. They were THANKING me for my patronage as my 1 year anniversary was approaching this month. Enclosed was a survey asking for any comments or remarks I'd like to share.
I decided there were a FEW things I'd like to share with them.
Dear Kimmguru's Over Price Gym,
I would like to take a moment to share a few comments with you, as you requested. I would like for you to consider my voice as the voice of The Whole. I feel as though I'm an excellent representative for all members, including men. As you know, I have been a member of your gym for the past year. I have attended weekly exercise classes including Zumba, Kickboxing and I've even met with a personal trainer at some point to get a weight lifting regime. I still have an Ugly Butt!
I am not the only gym member who is suffering from this epidemic. You should really trust me on this issue, in which I consider myself an expert. I actually have the ability to show you an Ugly Butt if substantial proof is necessary. I/We would like to know what you plan on doing to resolve this situation. I would like to meet with you in person within the next 30 days to devise a game plan.
However, if you elect to not address our concern with satisfactory results, we will have choice but to advertise The Gym's name across our Ugly Butts . This should serve as a warning to other potential members. We feel it would be unfair to not warn them as the help they seek is not available here and they should search elsewhere for an accredited facility. Possibly one that has visual proof that Beautiful Butts really do exist.
Please note that I have attached a picture of an Ugly Butt. Clothing is optional during our upcoming meeting. We feel that it's important for you to see first hand....just how BIG of a problem we are facing.
Kimm Guru
member
Ding Dong.......
It's not big secret that I've been feuding with my asshole brother, Mr. BIGWOOD. It has completely gotten out of hand at this point and I am basically fearing for my life. Well, not really....that was more for dramatic effect!
Last Friday that asshole started accusing my BFF Jenni & I of "ding dong ditching" their home late one night a few weeks ago. How convenient for them....as they claim this apparently happened a night that we were out with some girlfriends for a Ladies Night. Ding Dong Ditching is when you sneak up to the house, ring the door bell several times and then run like mad to get away. This is a game the kids play ...... not 30ish woman ...... who have better things to do like playing Air Hockey at the arcade for hours on in that same evening.
He claims to have whitenesses that identified the two of us leaving the scene of the said incident. Then that asshole even told Jenni that I admitted to him that we actually did it....which was a bold face lie!
Please keep in mind that his accusations started on a Friday afternoon. The same day that he knew we were going to be out of town for the weekend. Would you not believe the Mother F**ker came to my house, pried my door bell straight off the brick, cut the wire to disconnect it and then stole my damn door bell!?!?! To top all things....... HE DENIED EVEN DOING IT! I mean seriously folks...... does he think I lick f**king windows for a living?
In my opinion, he has completely gone to far! I had no choice but to file a police report in regards to the vandalism done to my home, in which I own and pay the mortgage! Of course I gave Mr. BIGWOOD'S name, address, phone number, description, make & models of his vehicles, birthday & social security number. I was praying to all things holy that he had an outstanding warrant or that his DNA came back as a suspect in some Alaskan Murder Case. After hearing the voice mails that have been left on my phone for months...... the officer who filed my report advised me to seek a protection order against Mr. BIGWOOD. The cop heard how crazy the suspect was and felt that I needed to take action before something really serious happens.
This entire situation with him & his wife is completely unbelievable! For the past 4-5 months I have not shown any emotion to the games they play or lies they continue to tell. Because I have taken the high road and basically ignored them.....they have completely consumed their lives with me and every little detail involved. Believe it or not.... they even hijacked my private MySpace page and then began to harass my friends about comments made. We're talking about comments made, unrelated to them but yet they assumed they were direct digs at them personally.
I know that all of this sound so ridiculous and petty. I mean, we are talking about my biological brother and his hard-on for hating all things I came into contact with. Nothing he does seems to SHOCK me anymore. As I take a step back and look at every thing that has happened up to this point...... he is honestly 99.9% responsible. He will never admit that he is the root and even if he did apologize to me.....nothing will ever be the same. I'm really curious as to what I should do next.
Last Friday that asshole started accusing my BFF Jenni & I of "ding dong ditching" their home late one night a few weeks ago. How convenient for them....as they claim this apparently happened a night that we were out with some girlfriends for a Ladies Night. Ding Dong Ditching is when you sneak up to the house, ring the door bell several times and then run like mad to get away. This is a game the kids play ...... not 30ish woman ...... who have better things to do like playing Air Hockey at the arcade for hours on in that same evening.
He claims to have whitenesses that identified the two of us leaving the scene of the said incident. Then that asshole even told Jenni that I admitted to him that we actually did it....which was a bold face lie!
Please keep in mind that his accusations started on a Friday afternoon. The same day that he knew we were going to be out of town for the weekend. Would you not believe the Mother F**ker came to my house, pried my door bell straight off the brick, cut the wire to disconnect it and then stole my damn door bell!?!?! To top all things....... HE DENIED EVEN DOING IT! I mean seriously folks...... does he think I lick f**king windows for a living?
In my opinion, he has completely gone to far! I had no choice but to file a police report in regards to the vandalism done to my home, in which I own and pay the mortgage! Of course I gave Mr. BIGWOOD'S name, address, phone number, description, make & models of his vehicles, birthday & social security number. I was praying to all things holy that he had an outstanding warrant or that his DNA came back as a suspect in some Alaskan Murder Case. After hearing the voice mails that have been left on my phone for months...... the officer who filed my report advised me to seek a protection order against Mr. BIGWOOD. The cop heard how crazy the suspect was and felt that I needed to take action before something really serious happens.
This entire situation with him & his wife is completely unbelievable! For the past 4-5 months I have not shown any emotion to the games they play or lies they continue to tell. Because I have taken the high road and basically ignored them.....they have completely consumed their lives with me and every little detail involved. Believe it or not.... they even hijacked my private MySpace page and then began to harass my friends about comments made. We're talking about comments made, unrelated to them but yet they assumed they were direct digs at them personally.
I know that all of this sound so ridiculous and petty. I mean, we are talking about my biological brother and his hard-on for hating all things I came into contact with. Nothing he does seems to SHOCK me anymore. As I take a step back and look at every thing that has happened up to this point...... he is honestly 99.9% responsible. He will never admit that he is the root and even if he did apologize to me.....nothing will ever be the same. I'm really curious as to what I should do next.
Sep 30, 2008
The Blackout of 2008.....
On Sunday September 14, 2008 (yeah, I know it was weeks ago) my entire region was literary swept away by gust of winds that reached 80 mph for nearly 4 hours. It was said to be the remains of Hurricane Ike winds that wrapped around, without warning and wiped out over 200,000 home of electricity....for days. That number reached 600,000 home through Ohio & Kentucky. A few of those homes are still without power today.
This article doesn't even cover the story in detail. I know that what my neighbors and town went through that week is absolutely nothing compared to the devastation that Ike caused on the coast line of Texas and Louisiana. We are 1,500 miles away and we were hit hard. It really helps you appreciate what you have and brings a community together when you can help each other out.
Our home was one of the very few that never lost power during the wind storm. Actually, only our side of the street still had electricity, while the other side had nothing for 7 days. Every single person that I know in my area, which is a lot of people lost power for at least two days. We were literally the only people I knew who still had electricity! Our lights didn't even flicker and we never lost our satellite/cable television.
So we open our home to help those less fortunate. We housed family members, cooked meals, showered, offered room in a garage fridge and most importantly....supplied coffee and Monday Night Football to those in need. The first few days weren't bad and it was a great feeling to help others. BUT.....by day FOUR, I was dreading the evenings spent once again with my squatters, whom are wonderful people. I would take the long drive home and smoke a million cigarettes while trying to mentally prepare myself for the long evening ahead.
FINALLY, power was restored and we were able to resume of normal lives once again. I realized how we take the simple things like electricity, water, gas, ice, fast food restaurants and PRIVACY for granted . Everything is effected by POWER and if/when you have it taken it away, life is primitive.
This article doesn't even cover the story in detail. I know that what my neighbors and town went through that week is absolutely nothing compared to the devastation that Ike caused on the coast line of Texas and Louisiana. We are 1,500 miles away and we were hit hard. It really helps you appreciate what you have and brings a community together when you can help each other out.
Our home was one of the very few that never lost power during the wind storm. Actually, only our side of the street still had electricity, while the other side had nothing for 7 days. Every single person that I know in my area, which is a lot of people lost power for at least two days. We were literally the only people I knew who still had electricity! Our lights didn't even flicker and we never lost our satellite/cable television.
So we open our home to help those less fortunate. We housed family members, cooked meals, showered, offered room in a garage fridge and most importantly....supplied coffee and Monday Night Football to those in need. The first few days weren't bad and it was a great feeling to help others. BUT.....by day FOUR, I was dreading the evenings spent once again with my squatters, whom are wonderful people. I would take the long drive home and smoke a million cigarettes while trying to mentally prepare myself for the long evening ahead.
FINALLY, power was restored and we were able to resume of normal lives once again. I realized how we take the simple things like electricity, water, gas, ice, fast food restaurants and PRIVACY for granted . Everything is effected by POWER and if/when you have it taken it away, life is primitive.
Sep 5, 2008
I've often asked myself the same thing.....
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E.
Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
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