I've been returned ....against my WILL!!!!

It's unfortunate that I'm writing this post because that means I have officially returned from my Girlfriends trip to Chicago. Please understand that I've actually been home for days now but I have "officially" checked back into reality!

You should be pleased to know that TPG and GG have successfully survived 4 days without me. Any longer and I may have been writing a much different post! When I say survived......well that's basically what they did...... it wasn't pretty. TPG has shown much appreciation and gratitude towards my role as the primary care giver and the two of them were relieved and grateful that I did actually return home and not become one of those "Mommy went out for a pack of cigarettes in 1982" stories.

Our Girlfriend's weekend was wonderful! We laughed, we cried.......... we laughed so hard we cried while creating many outrageously funny stories to share and cherish the rest of lives.

The whole Girlfriends thing started years & years ago when my Grandmother Joan & her only sister Judy started taking weekend long trips with their girlfriends. They shared these trips for years & I even remember their trips from my early childhood. My Grandmother passed away 7 years ago and there haven't been any trips since then. My Great Aunt Judy is the only surviving member of the original Girlfriends. I was honored and pleased to be apart of the next generation of the tradition my family & close friends have shared for over 4 decades.

Here are a few of the adventures we shared on our 2008 Girlfriends in Chicago!

L to R : Kimmguru, Billie Elaine (my Mom), Angie (my Aunt, her sister), Judy (my Great Aunt, their Aunt)

This is one of my favorite pictures of our Chicago Adventure. We took an evening horse drawn carriage ride through the city and it really was amazing.

We shopped for days & then some how shopped more! I am actually a SHOPPER & I completely shopped myself out! There's really a lot more to do in this city then just The Magnificent Mile .... we only failed to see past sale racks and the sticker shock that we just don't really have in my small Ohio town. We spent one morning in the salon getting very expensive manicures..... because manicures are what Girlfriends do.

My husband The Pepsi Guy.....should be so proud!

There comes a point when you know YOU probably had too many Margaritas, especially when their at about $12 a piece.... and you quit counting. The delightful pleasure of the tequila & salty lime goodness was a pure indulgence that I simply couldn't deny myself any longer. Here is what Chicago was like ...... a little inebriated!













We have already planned the destination for our next Girlfriends Getaway! Amish Country ......... Here we come! I have a feeling I'll be bringing my own bottle for that trip!

It's all about Meme!

I don't particularly care to take these stupid "meme's". So bare with me while I waste a few minutes on this crap!!!

This is called “FIRST REACTIONS QUIZ”. You have to type the 1ST thing that comes to mind whenever you hear these 31 things. You can’t think and go back and change your answers.

BEER:
It must be boating season!!!!

McDonalds:
Wednesday's heart attack waiting to happen form the convenient $1 menu

Relationships:
What kind of relationship? Personal, Gay, Business, Platonic?

Power Rangers:
I was more of a Thundercat kid myself.

Steroids:
Help fight Cancer

Cartoons:
I got the beat so everybody dance with me, me, me. The Mighty B!!!

The President:
I hate election year campaign commercials!

Florida:
Seista Key here we come....again & again & again.

Santa Claus:
I've been naughty this year.....as usual!

Halloween:
Theme Costumes w/ TPG & 1st annual Guru Monster Bash!!!!

Alice in wonderland:
I love trippy tea parties & "I'm late....I'm LATE" ~ story of my life sans white bunny suit

Myspace:
blah....time consuming & overrated.

Clowns:
Killer Clowns from Outer Space!!!!

Marriage:
What's mine is MINE & What's yours is OURS!

Paris:
Is she really knocked up~ You read it here FIRST folks!

Patrick:
Star is my favorite moron!

Redheads:
Does that rug match the drapes?

Blondes:
"OMG, her hair was like a level 12!" lmao

One night stands:
I've always liked two night stands in my room!! i like balance...and extra room to put my stuff!!

Donald Trump:
Love the hairrrrrrrrrrrr!

Neverland:
What the best thing about twenty nine year olds?

Pixie:
Stupid childhood hair cut my mom tortured me with!

Vanilla ice cream:
with sprinkles & eyeballs

High School Musical:
Not interested in this AT ALL. I grew up in a different era where this already happened, it's called GREASE.

Pajamas:
are they flame "retarded"? It's the kind I'll buy.

Woody:
Best OSU football coach of all time!!!!

Wet Socks:
I wonder what the shoes smell like?

I put the Wind in the Windy City.....

Yeah, you heard me! I'm off to Chicago in a few days & I'm damn happy about it too! Don't get me wrong, I'll miss GG tremendously BUT everyone deserves a break once in a while! With that being said.....

Dear TPG,
Your break is officially over as of Thursday 6:00am! While I'm gone it's your responsibility to:

• change diapers (even the non-poopy ones)
  
• feed (prepare meals & not drive thru)
  
• bathe (at least once please)
  
• clothe (clean preferably)
  
• brush teeth (3 x per day)
  
• play
  
• bedtime routine

Please also keep in mind that these task are very structured in her daily routine. If you tell her something you're planning to do....she'll help you. This is because I have trained her well, at least better then I have trained you!

I hope that when I return from my much needed, Cosmopolitan drinking, Girlfriends weekend to Chicago that you will be more appreciative of my role as "Mama". Mostly, I hope that both you and GG are alive and healthy because last night I had a dream that she chocked on a chicken wing & then washed it down with a draft beer......at the bar.......wearing hooker boots.......while dancing on a pole......

Dawn, it takes the grease away & it's gentle on your.....

We have always tried to schedule GG's bath for at least every other day. She loves, LOVES ...... F**KEN LOVES to take a bath! She has always been a water baby, even from her very first bath at the hospital. I don't know where she gets it & we've always said "She just came that way"!

As you know, we are remodeling our main bathroom.....still. We knew it would take a few weeks and we're not a big hurry because we are fortunate enough to have another bathroom, in which I call the half bath despite the fact that it does have a shower but the sink only works about half the time. The stand up shower is a very small, claustrophobic induced 2.5' x 2.5' (at best) stall. I can't complain much because I do have a place of my own to wash my ass everyday....okay ...most days.

Since the remodel began, GG has had to take a shower with me is this very....VERY confined space. It's a real bitch too when I have to shave my legs. I've been resting my foot on her head for that extra leverage I've needed....j/k! Last night I decided I wasn't going to shower with her due to the energy I exert from the tedious task and she is to small to shower alone. This was my solution which turned into a win-win for everyone.

That is until it was time to get out! Please note the bowl was optional. GG insisted on sitting in the bowl & I just didn't really give a damn if she did or not. The continual on/off again water did take it's toll on my nerves but at least she was happy..... and clean ..... which makes me happy!

One day....we shall meet again, My Love!

I was shopping last night at our local "Meijer" store to pick up a few items for our trip to the Lake this weekend. I suddenly came across the most amazing thing that has ever caught my eye. My attention was drawn to the rack like a child hearing the music of an ice cream truck on a hot summer day!

It was love at first sight! However, I did find the courage & will power to not proceed in purchasing the most unbelievable item I'd ever seen! Not because I didn't WANT too but because of the size selection available. I was fortunate enough to have my camera on me at the time and snap this photo before security escorted my out of the store. You know how those rent-a-cops take their jobs very seriously. I personally believe they thought I worked for their competitor and was on some sort of espionage reconnaissance mission.

Here is the extraordinary find!

I was disappointed that the smallest size available was a 2XL, which did DELAY my purchase at that time. I also felt discriminated against, getting the feeling that apparently only women of larger stature can be considered a goddess to my very public love affair of Garage Sales! I have now spent countless......minutes scowering the internet in search of this very much desired item.....in a size medium! This has also lead me to believe that I may have a small obsession with garage sales and thankfully not flea markets. I can not commit to nurturing an obsession that continues all year long. You see garage sales are seasonal ...............and that has made all the difference!

Damn Hedgeapples.....

As I described the softball size, ant infested, growing from the trees, weapons of mass destruction, "green ball things" in my last post I discovered they are actually call "Hedgeapples".

Have you ever had a hedgeapple thrown at your head at approximately 40mph? Imagine getting hit by one, the first initial contact knocks you down and then there is the stinging, the instant swelling, next the vibrant colors of bruising set in. Then you finally catch your breath and when you try to stand back up the week long limp begins to become more obvious with each painful step.

Sounds like great fun! Are you up for a game of Hedgeapple War?

South Main Street

I always knew growing up that I might ..... just not make it! *tear*

There were five other children in my household and all within 5 years in age. It has been my experience with that many kids fighting for a place in the "hierarchy of adolescences", you learn to distinguish yourself rather quickly or you fall into the cracks. Survival of the Fittest, if you will. It is unfortunate to tell you that I was & still am the youngest of these five children and I spent most of my childhood proving to them that I was a big kid too. That also meant I was badly bruised, beat up & tortured ..... A LOT! I know that my childhood absolutely established the foundation and defined my character of today. A character that developed by the guidance of the strongest woman I've ever known, Joann.

It's funny to look back at the nostalgic memories of my early years and wonder ......How The Hell Did I Ever Survive Them?!?!?!?!? Children of today would've never made it down on South Main Street! There is no question about it. The kids of today are soft, sensitive with emotions, disrespectful and out of shape due to this era of technology!

We never had Game boy's , computers or other luxury items such as CABLE! We had each other and we had outside! There were no such things as sunblock, swimming pools, bike helmets or MERCY in the world I grew up in! But there were two things I remember we never ran out of, Imagination and Unsupervision! Probably the most dangerous it nontangiable things you can give a child.....or five of them!

My role in the hierarchy was that of The Guinea Pig. If something needed to be tested for safety purposes, weight restriction or just a good laugh..... well I was the child sacrifice. There was no negotiating, there where no questions asked..... it was my job to complete the task and make sure "everyone" could participate.

By the time my 10th birthday had arrived, I was the victim of stitches, 11 times, all in the head or face region. Never once did I receive stitches in any other part of the body nor did I break a single bone in my body. I guess lacerations and puncture wounds were just my thing.

Injuries of this sort were easily sustained by playing games like:

• Let's see if we can fold Kimmy ALL THE WAY up in the hide-away bed.
• Let's see if Kimmy can jump off the shed by swinging from the very thin branches of the neighboring berry tree during our "Army Recon" mission.
  
• Let's have Kimmy & Angie (who only played the role of guinea pig for this game & was bigger/stronger/older then I) collect all the softball size, ant infested, growing from the tree, weapons of mass destruction, "green ball things" from the field for the boys, who still continued to wing them at the their opponents, despite the fact our heads were in the line of fire!!! *damn those things hurt*
• Let's see if Kimmy can carry me on her shoulders, while I rock back and forth, down a flight of stairs! *thanks for the lovely scar ANGIE!*

All of these games are absolutely and completely true and NOT.....I repeat NOT figments of my imagination! It's been years since I sat down & thought about all of this stuff. I laugh at how dangerous some of these things were & I hope GG never has to play the role of someone's Guinea Pig, that she is smart enough to be the leader & not a sheepish follower.

Then I remember..........these people have KIDS themselves and they are all OLDER then GG! I think it's time to invest in a good helmet & AFLAC!

*the vicious cycle repeats itself*

DIY- Garage Sale

Do. It. Yourdamnself. Garage. Sale.

So with my lackluster & lazy approach of riding the coat tails of other garage sales......I've decided to once again, have a Woolsie Garage Sale of my own! This is only because of the taste of the profits I received last weekend and my greedy little paws want more....oh and the fact that I already have my shit tagged & ready to sell.

I feel like I have a strange and compelling feeling to complete this task and NOT charge my fellow comrades of the selling stature the 50% apparently not negotiable fee to participate. So if you have some shit to sell, bring it on over to my house the weekend of 7/5 & 7/6. However you do have to have your shit tagged because I'm not doing all the damn work you lazy ass bastards.

***BONUS***
TPG and & are having a big Bash to celebrate our Independence...or something..... the evening of 7/5.....I think I may offer a Blue Light Special at K-guru (lmao!!! like K-mart) for the attending guest. You see they'll think it's a "Party" but it's really a garage sale. Damn I'm like an evil genius or something! I'm still working on the idea, I'll get back to you on that.

Do you have any past experiences or advice on this topic? If so, please share!

The not so BIG event.....

The 22nd Annual Monroe Community Garage sale was quite a disappointment this year. More of a wash out to be exact!

Due to some rather predictable circumstances with the BIGWOOD's during the renegotiations of the 50% participation fee , I felt obligated to REPO my shit and sell it else where. I'd like to give a huge shout out of gratitude to Jenni & her family for taking me in past the last minute but most importantly....for helping me repossess my shit like a lost 80's episode of Super Market Sweep! We were in and out in less then two minutes flat, in the pouring rain, collecting tables & totes of my useless shit for what could have been called a training op for the following organizations (another list) if we had a camera crew:

1. The Military
2. Pissed off & Scorned Housewives
3. Sibling Rivalries.....how to prove YOUR point
4. The True Meaning of Friendship.......sticking with your bestie

and saving the best for last

5. How to repossess your shit with class

Now, I'm sure that none of the following organizations are actually real with the exception of the Military........but if they were, well we could teach them a thing or two! Hell, I be a member of most of them but only if they had establishments that offered cheap beer, crappy cover bands, smoking & fashionable membership attire or jewelry.

As for the actual garage sale, well the long day of rainy weather deterred most of the shoppers but definitely NOT The crazy ones. We had a wonderful experience with a gentlemen who I would say was nothing less then a "Solider of Christ". We saw him coming as far as a county mile in his Jesus Saves & Died for You NEON GREEN redemption t-shirt. He ran through our sale so fast you would have thought Jesus himself was coming!!! After sharing a brief but VERY awkward conversation with this man of Christ, he wanted to know where all the guns & knives were at? We politely explained that we didn't have items of that sort to sell but we would gladly offer him the our microwave or the like new straight jacket, all at discounted prices!!!

This event was scheduled to run through the entire weekend but by the time Sunday rolled around.....we had already closed the shop down for good! It was to hot & humid, which also deterred customer from shopping and damn it......we just didn't want to do again!

My total earnings for BIG event = $0.00
Spending the day with Jenni & the next best thing to Jesus = PRICELESS

I need an intervention for INTERVENTION

At least that's what The Pepsi Guy told me yesterday when I prepared to watch the 5 "surprise" episodes I found on our DVR! I call them "surprise" episodes because they magically appeared overnight for my Sunday viewing pleasure. It was like I had won a free bonus gift from the Lancome counter, or better yet, the Ohio Lottery (which is usually millions & millions of dollars).

The anticipation of my favorite documentary series "Intervention" on A&E is often more then I can handle for a Monday evening. I first realized there could be a problem/"addiction" (as they would say) when a few weeks ago......Memorial Day to be exact, when the show didn't air & I almost lost my ever-loving mind! Now if you personally know me, this is probably very hard for you to understand because prior to owning DVR I basically watched ZERO television for myself, unless you include Noggin or Spongebob which I do sometimes enjoy. I've also been known to included Cash Cab on Discovery Channel to my short list of DVR viewings, which also drives TPG completely insane but that's another blog. Using my basic Intervention knowledge and being the detailed list maker that I am, I can justify why I am an "addict".

• The emotional high I feel by watching their personal struggles. I laugh, I cry, I get extremely angry....especially when children are involved, I feel overwhelming grief & a sense that I can actually help these crazies.
• I feel like an Adult when I watch these episodes because GG is peacefully sleeping in her bed & I have a few moments of uninterrupted television with control over the remote.
• It just makes me feel better about myself & my life and I suppose I feel blessed that I am just not that fucked up after all!

You see people who have addiction and not just the drug kind either, all feel many of those same emotions. I'll admit now that I may be in denial now about my "Intervention" needs but when it starts to interfere with my daily life & I quit doing the things I need to be doing....like changing baby diapers, then please call 1-800-662-HELP and let them read this post. I'm sure they'll know exactly what to with My Kind!
In the meanwhile here is a show schedule for the upcoming season, which starts June 16th, 2008.

Season 4 YEAH........I can't WAIT!!!!!!!

(not) Shakin what my Mama gave me.....

What the hell has happened to me!!!!!!!

I haven't been to Zumba for the last two classes! I think I'm starting to see a reoccurring pattern even after just 3 failed fitness attempts (I missed one day last week too).

We dance 3 nights a week.....well, we used to dance 3 nights a week up until recently. I love, Love, LOVE....F**KING LOVE Zumba! I suppose I could sit here on my increasing growing fat ass and make up a few excuses.

1. bathroom remodel (good one)
2. the 98 degree temperature
3. i'm flat out LAZY
   

Even though all of these statements are completely true, none of them make good excuses for missing a great workout.

I pledge to you, my faithful reader(s) (hi jenni) that I shall stay committed to shaking my fat, sweaty, zumba loving ass for the agreed three weekly session. No if, ands, or fat butt's about it!

Starting Tuesday at 7:30 I plan to shake what my mama gave me!

I'm so glad to get that off my conscience. That annoying sound of my thighs rubbing together was really starting to beat down my self esteem.

OH NO.....The Woolsie's ARE COMING!!!!!!

Do you remember The Woolsie's? Well......they're coming & there's NO STOPPING THEM!!!

I must admit that I'm just a little over joyed about their arrival for The Big Event!

Yes, Finally.......we welcome back the 22nd Annual Community-Wide Garage Sale to the City of Monroe. And you know how The Woolsie's love garage sales! They'll be EVERY WHERE, not to mention packing their shoeless, dirty children.....all with different daddies to the weekend long event.

I myself am not a "legal" resident in the City of Monroe. We live in the neighboring sister city of Middletown. However, I am alumni of the high school, I am employed within the city limits so I also pay the outrageous taxes but I have no place of my own to sell these fools my useless crap. I am very fortunate to have my older Brother & his family living in the sponsored city. So the "Bigwood's" have granted me permission to participate in their garage sale (for a small fee of 50% of my earning (in which I suggested but will later try to renegotiate)).....I get my very own table & everything !!!! TPG even offered to donate Pepsi products for us to sell to our shopping patrons during the hot temperatures of the weekend and mostly because I already told you.....this is A BIG EVENT!

This is very exciting to me for several reasons.

1. I'll get to sale my crap and act like a Woolsie
   
2. I'll get to see REAL LIFE Woolsie's
   
3. I have nothing better to do on a 98 degree Saturday afternoon
   

Don't worry, I'll try my best to contain my excitement long enough to snap a few photographs for the purposes of this blog and absolutely not my own personal use! Geeez, I'm not going to scrapbook the event or something...... I have better things to do......you know, like write my BLOG!

Because it's my damn blog.........

And I'll blog if I want too!

I really wanted to post this yesterday but because of my procrastination character flaw, I just simply DIDN'T!

I want to give a big (late) Birthday shout out to my girl Jenni, who now claims to be "30'ish"


Most importantly and clearly stated, It's my damn blog and I can post funny pictures of you if I want to!!! I'm not real sure what Jenni could possibly be thinking so intently about but there is a good chance it could be s'mores because that bitch is crazy about s'mores!

So ................Happy Damn Birthday you S'mores Loving Bitch!

So they call me the "Procrastinating Perfectionist"

I like to call myself a "Procrastinating Perfectionist". It's the best way I can explain the way I live my life. Unfortunate, I know but it's just the way I am. I have tried many times to change this "character flaw" but I have been nothing short of unsuccessful in my attempts of personal growth.

Here's a perfect example of my aforementioned statement, with the exception of the perfection so maybe it's just laziness.

TPG and I have planned for months and months to completely gut and remodel our master bathroom. We have a wonderful friend, I'll call Skinny who is doing the work for a fair price of practically nothing. In return, Skinny has asked us to do a little homework on the project to help ensure the process of the remodel is smooth & easy. However TPG & I didn't do our homework or any of the things that were asked of us & now we feel like ass-clowns!

Skinny wanted us to do the following:

• take before pictures
  
• pick out the materials (we started this one until GG acted like an asshole at Lowe's)
  
• select paint & flooring
• arrange for assistance with the tub install/leveling (original plans fell through, called in back up)
  
• have little or no expectations of perfection

It should be pretty obvious as to which of the listed chores I pretty much have under control! I believe in this particular situation that I have such low expectations ahead of time because the bathroom is already such a "shit hole" that any changes is bound to be an improvement!

Skinny is at the house now ripping the existing bath structure to shreds. TPG said he confident that Skinny is also wearing a pair of my thong panties on his head as a sweat band. Probably as retaliation for the lack of preparation on our part.

On a positive note, I hope to post pictures of our new lavatory very soon.

In case I FORGET to mention......

I'm BACK!!!!!!

In glorious BIGWOOD-Guru fashion, I though I would make the announcement & throw myself a HUGE blogging party! (this is actually a joke and a very funny but loooooong story)

As you can see, I started this blogging thing a while back and then just said "to hell with it" after I had zero readers. Yeah, that's right....you heard me.....ZERO! So I've decided to try it all over again and if you don't read my blog this time then you have no chance to defend yourself against my verbal assaults......and damn you to hell....you illiterate bastards!

So for those who are on board with this blog & especially for those who can read.............
Let's bust of the champagne, cigars and party like it's 1999! Because I'm back BITCHES!