Aug 4, 2009

Fashion Guru.....

This is what happens when GG suddenly decided that being 3yrs. old meant she should start dressing herself.

She totally gets her fashion sense from The Pepsi Guy. I would have never thought to accessorize my "snake boots" with the bow hair band and a white satin "lasso".

You keep up the good work kido!

Jul 31, 2009

Oh Crap....Part 2's official. A hamster is a terrible birthday gift for a 3 year old. *Malea....take the hint!*

He was great for the first 36 hours. The exercise ball was funny as hell and he is definitely one of those cracked out hamsters.

Hammy is a terrifying flesh eating rodent from hell! He bit GG on her index finger this morning and apparently she is a bleeder! That tiny little flesh wound bled forever & I was convinced there was a chunk missing.....but it was actually just a tiny little bite mark.

GG was pissed to no end and she even tried to cinvience me that Hammy would make an excellent toy for the cats. The funniest thing was the telephone conversation she had with Kid Sister. It went went something like this:

GG: Kid Sister you come take this Hammy Hamster back to store and buy me dat lizard!

Kid Sister: Oh No...what happened?

GG: Hammy dis try bite my finger off!

Kid Sister: Oh no....are you okay?

GG: NO! I dis alllll bloody and I want dat lizard now.

Things have calmed down since our crazy ass morning. GG has made amends with Hammy but she is still insistent that Kid Sister is bringing her a fricking lizard to her birthday party tomorrow.

Jul 29, 2009

Oh Crap.....

What the hell has this place turned into? A zoo.....a fucking petting zoo, I tell you!

GG is celebrating her 3rd birthday on Monday. Her party is this Saturday....and unlike last year....I just don't even really give a shit if people come or not and it's definitely not the spectacle it's been in the past.....but I'm sure it'll be her best one yet.

The Kid Sister decided it would be a wonderful idea to get GG another pet. Not as if a large dog, 3 cats and 3 enormous sized gold fish are enough for any household....why not add a few more. Kid Sister called me today to tell me that one of the two frogs she bought GG for her birthday had already died. She wanted to come by and drop the survivor off in the fish tank. I was worried that fish would eat him in just a few seconds....but so far so good & it's already been a whole day.

I thought it was a little strange when I noticed Kid Sister packing GG up and getting ready to make a run for it! I questioned where they were going but she was clearly trying to dodge the question by stating they'd be back shortly. I didn't realize until after they were gone....that they were up to no good.

Upon their return......GG was completely ECSTATIC!!! And that's an understatement! She is now the proud owner of a hamster. GREAT! A fucking hamster! She named him herself...."Hammy" least that's what I think she's calling it.

Hammy did make it through the first night with minimal stress. However, I did catch Lennie aka GG trying to sneak him out of the cage once or twice for a quick pet. It should be interesting to see how the cats react to Hammy when they finally realize that he's sticking around for a while.

The Price to Pay.....

I've been suffering endlessly with double ear infections since Sunday. To make matters worse....I now have a migraine to top it off. So basically not only am I deaf...but now I am blind!

I believe this is the price to pay for one kick ass weekend at the lake with great friends.

Jul 23, 2009

Here's Your Million Dollars Mom....

Anytime GG starts with the whiny "I want's" always ends the same.

GG: I want (fill in the blank)

Kimmguru: Well, I want a million dollars.

GG: You don't have million dollars mama!

Kimmguru: Yeah, tell me about it move along!

GG's papaw likes to collect $2 bills for's a little silly but hey...that's totally his thing! Besides, if we ever become completely destitute...... we can resort to her small fortune.

A few months ago he gave her a brand new crispy $2 bill. Some how during the very short drive home...the bill was accidentally misplaced. No's just gone. This revelation bothered GG greatly. She holds on dearly to anything she wants to keep while riding in her car seat, for fear it may disappear into thin air. For what ever reason this particular $2 bill left it's mark on her......she would ask about it from time to time while driving. I looked for it a few times just to shut her up about it....but I never found the darn thing!

While driving to grandma's house this morning I heard her rambling on in the back seat. Then she looked at me and said "Mom, here's your million dollars....can I have my ice cream now?"

I shit you not.....she had that bill in her hand. She couldn't/wouldn't tell me where she found it but I'm insanely curious to found out where! I can't help but wondering what else she is hiding right under my nose.

Jul 22, 2009

"Cat Nap"...

I just woke up from my short little "Cat Nap". I'd like to report that even though Bill Bo slept with me the entire time........not once did he attempt to piss on me.

I think there's something fishy going on around here.....

Extended Naps are Great...

Until they wake up!

This is the conversation I just had with GG.

GG: Mama.....I need you help! (whiny , sleepy yell)

Kimmguru: GG come out here if you're awake. (she does talk in her sleep)

GG: Mama....I need you help me....I all wet!

Kimmguru: Did you have an accident?

GG: No....I dest all wet!

Kimmguru: Well it looks like you peed the bed. Did you have an accident?

GG: No.....(looking round)....I dest think Bill Bo (the cat) was peeing on me.

Kimmguru: Hmmm....Bill Bo is still sleeping and your panties are all wet. I promise you're not in trouble.

GG: Bill Bo dest sleeping & he had dee accident! Mama, I all wet & I need more panties.

Kimmguru: Okay, let's get up & change your clothes.

GG: Dest leave me alone! Bill Bo need get up and not pee on me no more!

So, apparently she is convinced the damn cat has some sort of vendetta against her & decided to pee on her while she was sleeping. There's no convincing her other wise. I didn't have the heart to tell her the stupid cat was sleeping on the couch next to me the entire time!

Complete Protection is Really Priceless.....

Today is the first really rainy & gloomy day we've had in quite a while. GG is feeling grumpy & a little feverish she is napping early.......and LOOOONG!

Now that it's finally in the heat of the summer here in Ohio....some things in our day are pretty much a definite. Endless hours outside playing does have it benefits as well as consequences. Sunblock is staple in our daily routine & one that GG has become accustom to. She will actually remind me if I forgot to put it on her because apparently UV rays is something she doesn't take lightly.

This is what happens when you leave a nearly 3 yr. old (with serious sun protection issues) alone for just a few moments.

I actually love the fact that she's not allowed to touch her "hello kitty".....and that's almost the only part not covered in SPF 50. It only goes to show that as a mother, repeating yourself 1000's of times....will eventually sink in......especially at the most absurd & unexpected times!

Jul 12, 2009

A Green-ish Thumb.....

I only say “green-ish” because I was actually successful at growing some stuff!

Since I've become a stay-at-home mom last fall, I’ve become surprisingly domesticated in more ways then The Pepsi Guy or I ever imagined possible. One of these particular adventures began in the earliest of spring. GG & I decided that we were going to start a vegetable garden. TPG was against the idea from the get go! I’m sure he heavily considered the possibility that this would just be another “project” he would assume the responsibility for……like the cats.

In March, GG & I started with seeds and planted them in one of those indoor things. They grew as expected which only made our new commitment more …... committed. When the weather finally broke….TPG dug up and fertilized our very small plot….or grave site as he refers to it. The 4’X10’ plot was the only allowable space we would give us in “his” back yard. We were finally ready to plant and nurture our new hobby.

I’ll admit that it didn’t look promising that first month or so. I was actually less committed to watering the new garden ……the signs were pretty obvious. We planted 8 regular tomato plants, 8 cherry toe tomato plants, 8 cucumber plants, 4 Watermelon & 4 pumpkin plants. After that first…..rather dry month, we had a few causalities. However, 4 of the regular tomato, 1 cherry toe tomato, 1 watermelon & 1 pumpkin….were all lucky enough to call themselves survivors.

Months have passed, we water on a regular basis and we flourished. I could see that we were going to be proud of our garden when the watermelon & pumpkins started to grow. Well…at least the vines were growing & Growing & GROWING!!!! Then it happened …one day there was fruit! The pumpkins were actually “Ghost” pumpkins and then one of them some how managed to infiltrate into my neighbors yard. He's happily mowing around his new predator. Mostly because he felt bad that largest creation in my garden was now rightfully his….because possession is 9/10 of the law! I guess the grass is always greener on the other side…..and I learned that lesson from a "traitor pumpkin".

Seriously…..does he have to rub it into “my pumpkins” face. All day…..endlessly growing & basking in the thought that he made the right decision to jump ship while the jumping was still good! That pumpkin is seriously an asshole & I’m happy he left us…..because we’re a good happy garden of misfits and his arrogance was only bringing down our morale!

Today GG & I were trimming away some of the vines, mostly to help TPG out because they were exceeding the “allowable garden space”. More then once I saw him smile with extreme pleasure as he mowed over the vines because they were on the verge of infiltrating his personal space too. By mistake…..I trimmed one of the watermelons off of the vine. I was a little pissed at first but got over it quickly when I considered the viney mess was completely out of control ….there was bound to be more casualties involved…. And I was thankful GG & I both made it out alive. Besides…it was about time GG got to enjoy “the fruits of her labor”.

Here is GG with our first garden treat of the summer. A delicious watermelon…..look…’s obviously a watermelon.....prematurely picked but a watermelon none the less! She was so excited & proud!! Just look at her little future 4H face beaming!


What the hell! Oh No! That’s not a watermelon…’s a f*cking pumpkin! Seriously folks……a green pumpkin disguised exactly like a watermelon….. and she was PISSED! I’ve never even seen such a site in my entire life. What the hell are we growing out there anyway….some kind of mutant hybrid …water-kins….or pumkmelon? I believe I am competent enough in my skills as a first time gardener to know & understand the difference between a pumpkin & a watermelon.....or at least I thought I was. Boy was I wrong!

I now completely understand the traitor ghost pumpkin after all. He was trying to get the hell out of our mutant garden before it was too late!!! Even pumpkins have a sence of self-preservation least I did learn that lesson from this fiasco! I’m now wondering what kind of fertilizer TPG used ….. and if anything out there is truly edible.

With sucess .....there is always disappointment.....

I just realized my welcome back post was actually ....... my 100th post!!!!

I'm a little disappointed that it wasn't everything I always thought it would know like your 21st birthday, or buying a new car. I suppose I'll manage to get through it....some how we always find the will to keep moving on!

Godspeed my good friends!

Jul 9, 2009

Inspiration is found.....

In the most unusual places. In my particular case it was located in Kentucky..... at the lake house this past weekend. A stranger approached me at a small gathering on Friday prior to the 4th of July. His name was John and this particular man was missing a leg. Inspiring to say the least as he played corn hole and mingled amongst the other guest. It was then that he spotted me as I sat quietly rocking Good Girl in my arms. I heard him say out loud from across the room .... "Sue! Look she's here! The guru girl is here and she has GG with her!".

The Seed Had Been Planted!

A complete stranger had read my blog and recognized me. However this recognition was bitter sweet for me......knowing how I'd left my few faithful readers high & dry for so many long months.

We continued to chat for a good while as he told me how he found me. He "googled" Dixie Bend Retreat and one of my post was the first to appear. He read my story ....several times ....laughing endlessly ...... then decided to share it with Sue, his wife. They continued to read my blog and recognized my family. It's an easy leap to make considering we're pretty much the ass clowns of the retreat.

During our conversation he asked me why I no longer continued to write. I was coming up short! I had no logical, or even a fairly decent excuse to give him. His question made me feel strangely guilty and it was at that moment that I decided to give it another try.

I mean seriously folks.......I'm practically a celebrity least in Kentucky. How can I, in good conscience keep all of this literary greatness to myself any longer?

Dec 12, 2008

I'm back...BIGGER & better THEN EVER.....

I'm sure all of my faithful reader have wonder where the hell I've been hiding the past 6 or so weeks..... the answer..... In the unemployment line!

Yes, just as the country started to make some wonderful and exciting changes we also headed straight towards the great recession. I am one of the 22% of unemployed individuals who contribute to making my city one of the fastest dying cities in America least according to Forbes Magazine. However, that's something we've known for a while.....and we surely didn't need them telling EVERYONE ELSE! So thanks a lot Forbes!!!

Moving on to BIGGER & BETTER news.

It looks as though I've gained a new audience of readers during my absence! Welcome Mr. & Mrs. BIGWOOD!! I'm pleased to have you join us because your daily visits only increase my viewer totals....which in return makes my page that much stronger. So thank you deeply for your stalking....I mean patronage! Since the two of you think finding my blog was some kind of extravagant treasure, let's just say I've known all along that one day you would find me here and you're foolish to believe otherwise. I'm just wondering "what the hell took you so long"? However your devious plans to black mail me with my personal opinion has unfortunately been foiled! Let it be known that Senior BIGWOOD knows about this page, for I have already shown him myself! So please feel free to show him any "paper copies" you claim to have in your possession.....I actually wish that you would. I will tell you that it's very gratifying to know that having you read my words... The Words of Truth.... shows that you are not to far gone and you still have a chance of breaking your spell of lies and deceit.

As for my other more favorable readers....thank you sticking with me! Over the last few weeks I've collected many wonderful stories to share with you. Including but certainly not limited to:
  • Successfully potty training in only 4 days
  • GG visit with Santa Claus
  • My daily life as a SAHM

Updates coming REAL soon!

Did I mention how much I missed you guys? I really least most of you!