Ding Dong.......

It's not big secret that I've been feuding with my asshole brother, Mr. BIGWOOD. It has completely gotten out of hand at this point and I am basically fearing for my life. Well, not really....that was more for dramatic effect!

Last Friday that asshole started accusing my BFF Jenni & I of "ding dong ditching" their home late one night a few weeks ago. How convenient for them....as they claim this apparently happened a night that we were out with some girlfriends for a Ladies Night. Ding Dong Ditching is when you sneak up to the house, ring the door bell several times and then run like mad to get away. This is a game the kids play ...... not 30ish woman ...... who have better things to do like playing Air Hockey at the arcade for hours on in that same evening.

He claims to have whitenesses that identified the two of us leaving the scene of the said incident. Then that asshole even told Jenni that I admitted to him that we actually did it....which was a bold face lie!

Please keep in mind that his accusations started on a Friday afternoon. The same day that he knew we were going to be out of town for the weekend. Would you not believe the Mother F**ker came to my house, pried my door bell straight off the brick, cut the wire to disconnect it and then stole my damn door bell!?!?! To top all things....... HE DENIED EVEN DOING IT! I mean seriously folks...... does he think I lick f**king windows for a living?

In my opinion, he has completely gone to far! I had no choice but to file a police report in regards to the vandalism done to my home, in which I own and pay the mortgage! Of course I gave Mr. BIGWOOD'S name, address, phone number, description, make & models of his vehicles, birthday & social security number. I was praying to all things holy that he had an outstanding warrant or that his DNA came back as a suspect in some Alaskan Murder Case. After hearing the voice mails that have been left on my phone for months...... the officer who filed my report advised me to seek a protection order against Mr. BIGWOOD. The cop heard how crazy the suspect was and felt that I needed to take action before something really serious happens.

This entire situation with him & his wife is completely unbelievable! For the past 4-5 months I have not shown any emotion to the games they play or lies they continue to tell. Because I have taken the high road and basically ignored them.....they have completely consumed their lives with me and every little detail involved. Believe it or not.... they even hijacked my private MySpace page and then began to harass my friends about comments made. We're talking about comments made, unrelated to them but yet they assumed they were direct digs at them personally.

I know that all of this sound so ridiculous and petty. I mean, we are talking about my biological brother and his hard-on for hating all things I came into contact with. Nothing he does seems to SHOCK me anymore. As I take a step back and look at every thing that has happened up to this point...... he is honestly 99.9% responsible. He will never admit that he is the root and even if he did apologize to me.....nothing will ever be the same. I'm really curious as to what I should do next.

Can I get a side of matching shoes too?

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Looks like I'll have a new favorite shopping site in just a few days!

Good Luck!

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.....

I am officially a mother who has suffered a traumatic event that will forever change the relationship I have with my child.

I pride myself in knowing that I can handle the most stressful situations head on with a calm and tactful approach that has been proven time and time again to work. I am mentally strong! TPG on the other hand is far more emotional, always expects the worse outcome and extremely squeamish and disgusted at the first sight of blood, gore or needles. He's a Big Fat Sissy!

Last Monday afternoon, while I was at work, TPG and GG were enjoying a nice bubble bath. As TPG got out and started to shave at the sink, he let her continue to play while the water was draining out. Moments later GG said "Wook Sissy!!!"as she proceeded to show him her new fun trick "Jumping". Apparently jumping with bubbles and water involved is far more impressive then just regular jumping. Before TPG realized exactly what she was about to do….she slipped, fell and busted the bottom of her chin open on the side of our new bathtub. She began bleeding on impact as TPG started to freak out. He was covered in shave cream, she in blood stained bubbles, both completely naked. He called me at work moments after he applied pressure to her chin and started to stop the bleeding.

I met him a few minutes later at the Emergency Room where we spent the next 4.5 hours with a sweet little but extremely tough baby girl. She would tell me, "Mama what happened? My Boo Boo!" then continued to run and play with the other children also waiting. It was obvious that we were a perfect fit during our timely stay. I'm mean sure...GG is wearing mismatched pajamas crazy shoes that may or may not have actually fit with her wet crazy hair that desperately needed to be brushed. TPG throw on the first thing that he could grab which included a pair of basketball shorts that he DESPERATELY needed to be wearing underwear with. Seriously TPG...your junk was all over the place and I saw people talking/pointing when you went to the restroom. They probably thought I was their social worker with my suit & sassy heels on.

Once we were finally back in our room, the doctor came in to explain how the procedure was going to take place. GG immediately knew something was about to go down and she would ultimately be involved! I was holding her in my arms when she hugged me close to her and said "Mama, help me please!". It was something I will never forget. There wasn't any thing I could do to help her and it made me tear up knowing she was looking to me for her safety and most importantly ..... strength! TPG started to tear up too because he knew how hard it was for me to hear her little plea for help.

Once the doctor came back into the room GG was rolled up like a burrito, which was funny because she thought she was going to eat a burrito when they explained it to us. They blind folded her and began to sew up our scared little girl. The entire procedure was over in a few extremely difficult to watch minutes. TPG nearly passed out and couldn't bare to watch them sew her back together. GG received 6 stitched to the bottom of her chin and she took it like a champ! I was talking to her the entire time while trying to keep her calm. She reassured me that she was Good Girl and that she loved ice cream.

Once the traumatic event was finally over and I held her in my arms again, she turned to the doctor and told her "Thank you. Good Job!" and finally "I love you!". The doctor said that was the sweetest thing she had ever been told by a little one she pieced back together.

GG would not keep a band-aide over her stitches but she didn't even really know they are there. Every now and again she'd reach for my hand to scratch them for her but she won't touch them. The stitches were removed on Saturday, without incident and she'll make a full recovery!

It was absolutely the hardest thing TPG & I have ever been through as parents. GG knows we'll always there for her and she has been so extremely sweet to us, especially me because I was there for her and made her feel safe, when really all I did was hold her, confess my love for ice cream too and be her mama.

This picture was taken the next day while she was sleeping in her car seat. They look so much bigger in the picture then they really were.

The Blackout of 2008.....

On Sunday September 14, 2008 (yeah, I know it was weeks ago) my entire region was literary swept away by gust of winds that reached 80 mph for nearly 4 hours. It was said to be the remains of Hurricane Ike winds that wrapped around, without warning and wiped out over 200,000 home of electricity....for days. That number reached 600,000 home through Ohio & Kentucky. A few of those homes are still without power today.

This article doesn't even cover the story in detail. I know that what my neighbors and town went through that week is absolutely nothing compared to the devastation that Ike caused on the coast line of Texas and Louisiana. We are 1,500 miles away and we were hit hard. It really helps you appreciate what you have and brings a community together when you can help each other out.

Our home was one of the very few that never lost power during the wind storm. Actually, only our side of the street still had electricity, while the other side had nothing for 7 days. Every single person that I know in my area, which is a lot of people lost power for at least two days. We were literally the only people I knew who still had electricity! Our lights didn't even flicker and we never lost our satellite/cable television.

So we open our home to help those less fortunate. We housed family members, cooked meals, showered, offered room in a garage fridge and most importantly....supplied coffee and Monday Night Football to those in need. The first few days weren't bad and it was a great feeling to help others. BUT.....by day FOUR, I was dreading the evenings spent once again with my squatters, whom are wonderful people. I would take the long drive home and smoke a million cigarettes while trying to mentally prepare myself for the long evening ahead.

FINALLY, power was restored and we were able to resume of normal lives once again. I realized how we take the simple things like electricity, water, gas, ice, fast food restaurants and PRIVACY for granted . Everything is effected by POWER and if/when you have it taken it away, life is primitive.

Unpaid leave of absence....

I do sincerely and deeply apologize to all of you for my "unpaid" leave of absence. Of course it's unpaid because it's not like a vacation when someone will magically start writing for me this blog for me!

K'man.......it's not you.....IT'S ME!

Here comes the milking part! I have been terribly consumed with my own personal endeavors that I've not had a moments time to share them with you. Here's what I've been up to in chronological order of events.....

• Blackout of 2008
• MySpace Mafia Wars
• Death in Family
• Mafia Wars
• GG trip to Emergency Room
• Mafia Wars

Since I've been playing Mafia Wars of MySpace (5 days), I've started to notice a pattern of negative or destructive "coincidences" happening all around me. Maybe I should check into reality again and possible take a shower sometime today!

I'll be sure to fill you in on the details of the past week or so ...... just as soon as I re-up my energy and stamina, buy a tommy gun, rob the museum and fight a rival mob.

Big Fat LOSER.....

Well, my million dollar, artificially whitened smile didn't get me the job! Which is a very important life lesson to my inspiring young future corporate-americans out there. ALWAYS show cleavage and pray to the good lord above that your future boss is a man but most importantly a pervert!

Surprisingly enough I'm not even disappointed about it. I mean sure it was my ticket back to the real corporate world, more money and something that would actually involve using my under stimulated brain cells but life goes on. I was dreading the long 30 minute drive (one way) every time I went back for an interview and that just means another hour away from GG each day. So, it was best that I ended up as #2 which you will hardly ever hear me say. When I followed up with them today, just as I told you I would, I was told they offered it to #1 and she gladly accepted.

I like to think that my starting salary was to high for them to justify and most likely exceeded the gal whom I interviewed with last. She and I were to be equal office leads, while assisting both salesmen. She admitted openly that my advanced computer skills exceeded hers and probably felt as thought I was a threat. However, it really could have been based on the fact that there is visual proof that I tend to wear helmets, or drink a little too much but probably because of my piss poor grammar and being over confident and a special Thanks to K'man over at 7 acres of heaven for pointing that out!

So charging ahead with enthusiasm, just as my geometry teacher Ms. McNaughtin always said.... I shall have far more time to spend with all of you guys!

The million dollar smile should help......

Some of my readers have been asking about the "job" update.

They said their decision will hopefully be made this week. I was debating about calling tomorrow to follow up with them about it. I have since talked myself in to doing so.

I did find out during my interview that I was 1 of 2 people selected for a final interview out of the 200+ resumes submitted. That was a pretty good feeling knowing that I did at least make it that far. However I know that my witty charm & awesome sense of humor will be an undeniable challenge for my competition. However, I do feel that if we were some what comparable with our previous work history then I could have a problem! My asking salary could have possibly been significantly higher but it was completely warrantied considering the drive and the fact that I'll actually have to do "real work".

If all else fails I'm at least hoping that the million dollar smile has a charming effect of them. You know....because I had to pay for my teeth instead of getting the new bobbies I really wanted. I mean the 2 out of 3 interviews were with women & they didn't really strike me as "boobie girls" anyway! On a lighter note.......at least the bleach is working!

Kimm "Ross Gellar" Guru

I'll be sure to keep all of you updated as to their decision.

The Grand Finale

Dear Mr. BIGWOOD,

For the past 30 years you have called me your baby sister. You have been my best friend and worst enemy. During our childhood, I was subjected to your bullying, physical and verbal abuse as well as your out right hatred towards me. Unfortunately, you have been able to carry these torturous actions over into our adult lives without facing consequences. On June 23rd I made the decision to no longer have you or your family as an active part of my life. The mental abuse and negative baggage you brought to my world were no longer worth the rare and occasional pleasant moment we seldom shared.

Due to recent events of your lies and deception, I have no choice but to eliminate you from my life completely. You know that you harbor ill feelings towards The Pepsi Guy, Good Girl and Myself and I will no longer accept the heart break you bring to their lives as well as my own. As you continue to pawn friends and family members against us, please know that we have the support of everyone in which you attempt to contaminate with your hatred. The sinister, offensive, selfish and malicious behavior you have shown against me will NOT be tolerated any longer.

You are DEAD to me.

Kimmguru

Monday...already

Good Monday morning to all of my faithful readers! I know....it's Monday and you're probably thinking....."What the Hell is she doing here.....It's Wednesday already"!

I suppose I was feeling a bit guilty about knowing in advance that our time shared together will soon be limited. You know since I GOT A FINAL INTERVIEW for that really awesome JOB I told you about last week.

Notice I said "final"? That's because I have to meet with one last person, whom will be training me for the position. It's very important for us to get along since we'll be working closely together for a few months. But seriously folks......who can't get along with someone like this?

or even this.....

I mean seriously.....I got this job in the bag!

I've often asked myself the same thing.....

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E.
Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

I mean it.....

I have started to notice more and more that every thing TPG & I say is now being repeated by GG. I knew this day would come, it just came FASTER then we expected.

Apparently, I often say the following phrases:

• I mean it
• I see you
• Listen to me
  
• Oh Boy!

She has incorporated these phrases into her everyday conversation and sometimes it's very interesting. Especially when she combines them all together like "Oh boy, I see you! Listen to me, I mean it!" which actually happens quite a bit.....bossy little 2yr old!

The Pepsi Guy's vocabulary is a bit more graphic to say the least, especially while on the telephone with his "boyfriends". I have often asked him to watch the uses of his expletive vocabulary in front of GG. He would catch himself after the fact and I would give him the look.

Last week while cruising through the drive thru, TPG was rather anxious and loudly proclaimed "Move up Bitch". Moments later from the back seat.....guess what we heard in Slow Motion. Our hearts stopped beating for what seems like an eternity as our sweet little girl proudly announces "M O V E- I T- B I S H" (that's the reenactment in slow motion). After the awkward moment of silence and The Look, I asked TPG if he were proud of himself. I shamed him by explaining how the innocence of our sweet child is now gone.....GONE FOREVER!

It's obvious that my hard tactics have made an improvement, at least I like to think so. However, I truly know that for TPG to hear GG's profane laced potty mouth has really made an impact on his daily life. He now uses words like shoot, heck, darn and my personal favorite .... stinken!

So.....great job TPG! Keep up the good work you .... C*@k S*%&ing S@n *f @ B*%#$@H! I'm STINKEN proud of you!

Oh Hot Damn....

This is my jam.....we keeps it rockin until the a.m.

I have good reason for neglecting you the past few days. Well....it's not really a good one but I'll milk it if you let me!

Seriously, this is a post about my "Job". Yes...I have a real job even though I don't really do anything at it. Actually....I am at this said job right now....writing this blog, because I don't have a single thing to work on. I have to come in here every single weekday at 8am on the dot and not a nano-second late, to sit here and do nothing.....nothing but answer the phone a few times and "act" busy. How ridiculous is that! It's completely ridiculous because I frickin hate it! Well, I don't exactly hate it but it still kinda sucks!

My boss is extremely anal and organized. We're not just talking about the usual type of organization ...... but ..... the very fine line of OCD Organization! He's a frickin LOON when it comes to cleanliness, the way papers are stacked or how binders are labeled. He will even bust out the white glove dust check in my office to make sure I keep my area up to par. News flash to him.....I haven't dusted under my keyboard in a year!!!!! HA!! In your Face!!

You see, I once lived in the fast paced career world of "Corporate America". Hell.... I WAS CORPORATE AMERICA! I gave up a very lucrative and rewarding career as a Diamond Buyer in the Jewelry Industry shortly after I gave birth to GG. I was tried of the traveling, crazy work schedule and smoozing with the "riches". I enjoyed everything that I did and no one gave a rats ass about my dusty office! Being a Good Mama was far more important to me then any job. TPG and I decided it would good if I took a less stressful and demanding job to allow me more freedon and time to spend with GG. It worked out great because I was offered THIS JOB and I gladly accepted. There was a substantial pay cut but I get to unplug at 5pm and it's totally worth it!

Here's where the "Milking" starts.

I have been searching for a exciting new career. You see, last week was the final straw when I was publicly reprimanded for not answering ONE telephone call out of FOUR THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED SIXTY THREE of them that managed to pass through at the exact same time. I decided at that very moment "it was my time to leave" just sort of waiving the Johnny Cash salute and walking out the door!

I actually applied for another Executive Admin. position but later found out that I was selected for an interview based on my "buying experience". It's not a buying job at all and mostly administrative to get a foot in the door but I was pretty pumped up about going back into the corporate world and actually using my brain again. I had two interviews yesterday with the company executives which lasted 2 hours total. It went really well and we even discussed salary compensation...which never happens at a first meeting. This company is fairly new (14 yrs) and has been very successful considering it's a husband/wife team who started from scratch. It's also about a 30 min trip one way from home and I wasn't sure how I would care for that after the 1st week or so. Now, I am really getting excited about the position and hope to hear back from them in a few days.

Unfortunately, if I do get the job....I'll be blogging less. I know, it's hard to do any less blogging then I already do...but I promise to try my best to stay committed to you!

Wish me luck!