Procrastinating Perfectionist

Fashion Guru.....

2009-08-04T21:51:00.003-04:00

This is what happens when GG suddenly decided that being 3yrs. old meant she should start dressing herself.

She totally gets her fashion sense from The Pepsi Guy. I would have never thought to accessorize my "snake boots" with the bow hair band and a white satin "lasso".

You keep up the good work kido!

Oh Crap....Part 2

2009-07-31T21:56:00.003-04:00

Well......it's official. A hamster is a terrible birthday gift for a 3 year old. *Malea....take the hint!*

He was great for the first 36 hours. The exercise ball was funny as hell and he is definitely one of those cracked out hamsters.

Hammy is a terrifying flesh eating rodent from hell! He bit GG on her index finger this morning and apparently she is a bleeder! That tiny little flesh wound bled forever & I was convinced there was a chunk missing.....but it was actually just a tiny little bite mark.

GG was pissed to no end and she even tried to cinvience me that Hammy would make an excellent toy for the cats. The funniest thing was the telephone conversation she had with Kid Sister. It went went something like this:

GG: Kid Sister you come take this Hammy Hamster back to store and buy me dat lizard!

Kid Sister: Oh No...what happened?

GG: Hammy dis try bite my finger off!

Kid Sister: Oh no....are you okay?

GG: NO! I dis alllll bloody and I want dat lizard now.

Things have calmed down since our crazy ass morning. GG has made amends with Hammy but she is still insistent that Kid Sister is bringing her a fricking lizard to her birthday party tomorrow.

Oh Crap.....

2009-07-29T21:59:00.004-04:00

What the hell has this place turned into? A zoo.....a fucking petting zoo, I tell you!

GG is celebrating her 3rd birthday on Monday. Her party is this Saturday....and unlike last year....I just don't even really give a shit if people come or not and it's definitely not the spectacle it's been in the past.....but I'm sure it'll be her best one yet.

The Kid Sister decided it would be a wonderful idea to get GG another pet. Not as if a large dog, 3 cats and 3 enormous sized gold fish are enough for any household....why not add a few more. Kid Sister called me today to tell me that one of the two frogs she bought GG for her birthday had already died. She wanted to come by and drop the survivor off in the fish tank. I was worried that fish would eat him in just a few seconds....but so far so good & it's already been a whole day.

I thought it was a little strange when I noticed Kid Sister packing GG up and getting ready to make a run for it! I questioned where they were going but she was clearly trying to dodge the question by stating they'd be back shortly. I didn't realize until after they were gone....that they were up to no good.

Upon their return......GG was completely ECSTATIC!!! And that's an understatement! She is now the proud owner of a hamster. GREAT! A fucking hamster! She named him herself...."Hammy"...at least that's what I think she's calling it.

Hammy did make it through the first night with minimal stress. However, I did catch Lennie aka GG trying to sneak him out of the cage once or twice for a quick pet. It should be interesting to see how the cats react to Hammy when they finally realize that he's sticking around for a while.

The Price to Pay.....

2009-07-29T14:24:00.003-04:00

I've been suffering endlessly with double ear infections since Sunday. To make matters worse....I now have a migraine to top it off. So basically not only am I deaf...but now I am blind!

I believe this is the price to pay for one kick ass weekend at the lake with great friends.

Here's Your Million Dollars Mom....

2009-07-23T17:56:00.006-04:00

Anytime GG starts with the whiny "I want's"....it always ends the same.

GG: I want (fill in the blank)

Kimmguru: Well, I want a million dollars.

GG: You don't have million dollars mama!

Kimmguru: Yeah, tell me about it kido....now move along!

GG's papaw likes to collect $2 bills for her....it's a little silly but hey...that's totally his thing! Besides, if we ever become completely destitute...... we can resort to her small fortune.

A few months ago he gave her a brand new crispy $2 bill. Some how during the very short drive home...the bill was accidentally misplaced. No explanation....it's just gone. This revelation bothered GG greatly. She holds on dearly to anything she wants to keep while riding in her car seat, for fear it may disappear into thin air. For what ever reason this particular $2 bill left it's mark on her......she would ask about it from time to time while driving. I looked for it a few times just to shut her up about it....but I never found the darn thing!

While driving to grandma's house this morning I heard her rambling on in the back seat. Then she looked at me and said "Mom, here's your million dollars....can I have my ice cream now?"

I shit you not.....she had that bill in her hand. She couldn't/wouldn't tell me where she found it but I'm insanely curious to found out where! I can't help but wondering what else she is hiding right under my nose.

"Cat Nap"...

2009-07-22T19:01:00.003-04:00

I just woke up from my short little "Cat Nap". I'd like to report that even though Bill Bo slept with me the entire time........not once did he attempt to piss on me.

I think there's something fishy going on around here.....

Extended Naps are Great...

2009-07-22T15:17:00.003-04:00

Until they wake up!

This is the conversation I just had with GG.

GG: Mama.....I need you help! (whiny , sleepy yell)

Kimmguru: GG come out here if you're awake. (she does talk in her sleep)

GG: Mama....I need you help me....I all wet!

Kimmguru: Did you have an accident?

GG: No....I dest all wet!

Kimmguru: Well it looks like you peed the bed. Did you have an accident?

GG: No.....(looking round)....I dest think Bill Bo (the cat) was peeing on me.

Kimmguru: Hmmm....Bill Bo is still sleeping and your panties are all wet. I promise you're not in trouble.

GG: Bill Bo dest sleeping & he had dee accident! Mama, I all wet & I need more panties.

Kimmguru: Okay, let's get up & change your clothes.

GG: Dest leave me alone! Bill Bo need get up and not pee on me no more!

So, apparently she is convinced the damn cat has some sort of vendetta against her & decided to pee on her while she was sleeping. There's no convincing her other wise. I didn't have the heart to tell her the stupid cat was sleeping on the couch next to me the entire time!

Complete Protection is Really Priceless.....

2009-07-22T14:33:00.005-04:00

Today is the first really rainy & gloomy day we've had in quite a while. GG is feeling grumpy & a little feverish today....so she is napping early.......and LOOOONG!

Now that it's finally in the heat of the summer here in Ohio....some things in our day are pretty much a definite. Endless hours outside playing does have it benefits as well as consequences. Sunblock is staple in our daily routine & one that GG has become accustom to. She will actually remind me if I forgot to put it on her because apparently UV rays is something she doesn't take lightly.

This is what happens when you leave a nearly 3 yr. old (with serious sun protection issues) alone for just a few moments.

I actually love the fact that she's not allowed to touch her "hello kitty".....and that's almost the only part not covered in SPF 50. It only goes to show that as a mother, repeating yourself 1000's of times....will eventually sink in......especially at the most absurd & unexpected times!

A Green-ish Thumb.....

2009-07-12T19:16:00.011-04:00

I only say “green-ish” because I was actually successful at growing some stuff!

Since I've become a stay-at-home mom last fall, I’ve become surprisingly domesticated in more ways then The Pepsi Guy or I ever imagined possible. One of these particular adventures began in the earliest of spring. GG & I decided that we were going to start a vegetable garden. TPG was against the idea from the get go! I’m sure he heavily considered the possibility that this would just be another “project” he would assume the responsibility for……like the cats.

In March, GG & I started with seeds and planted them in one of those indoor things. They grew as expected which only made our new commitment more …... committed. When the weather finally broke….TPG dug up and fertilized our very small plot….or grave site as he refers to it. The 4’X10’ plot was the only allowable space we would give us in “his” back yard. We were finally ready to plant and nurture our new hobby.

I’ll admit that it didn’t look promising that first month or so. I was actually less committed to watering the new garden ……the signs were pretty obvious. We planted 8 regular tomato plants, 8 cherry toe tomato plants, 8 cucumber plants, 4 Watermelon & 4 pumpkin plants. After that first…..rather dry month, we had a few causalities. However, 4 of the regular tomato, 1 cherry toe tomato, 1 watermelon & 1 pumpkin….were all lucky enough to call themselves survivors.

Months have passed, we water on a regular basis and we flourished. I could see that we were going to be proud of our garden when the watermelon & pumpkins started to grow. Well…at least the vines were growing & Growing & GROWING!!!! Then it happened …one day there was fruit! The pumpkins were actually “Ghost” pumpkins and then one of them some how managed to infiltrate into my neighbors yard. He's happily mowing around his new predator. Mostly because he felt bad that largest creation in my garden was now rightfully his….because possession is 9/10 of the law! I guess the grass is always greener on the other side…..and I learned that lesson from a "traitor pumpkin".

Seriously…..does he have to rub it into “my pumpkins” face. All day…..endlessly growing & basking in the thought that he made the right decision to jump ship while the jumping was still good! That pumpkin is seriously an asshole & I’m happy he left us…..because we’re a good happy garden of misfits and his arrogance was only bringing down our morale!

Today GG & I were trimming away some of the vines, mostly to help TPG out because they were exceeding the “allowable garden space”. More then once I saw him smile with extreme pleasure as he mowed over the vines because they were on the verge of infiltrating his personal space too. By mistake…..I trimmed one of the watermelons off of the vine. I was a little pissed at first but got over it quickly when I considered the viney mess was completely out of control ….there was bound to be more casualties involved…. And I was thankful GG & I both made it out alive. Besides…it was about time GG got to enjoy “the fruits of her labor”.

Here is GG with our first garden treat of the summer. A delicious watermelon…..look…..it’s obviously a watermelon.....prematurely picked but a watermelon none the less! She was so excited & proud!! Just look at her little future 4H face beaming!

Except.....

What the hell! Oh No! That’s not a watermelon…..it’s a f*cking pumpkin! Seriously folks……a green pumpkin disguised exactly like a watermelon….. and she was PISSED! I’ve never even seen such a site in my entire life. What the hell are we growing out there anyway….some kind of mutant hybrid …water-kins….or pumkmelon? I believe I am competent enough in my skills as a first time gardener to know & understand the difference between a pumpkin & a watermelon.....or at least I thought I was. Boy was I wrong!

I now completely understand the traitor ghost pumpkin after all. He was trying to get the hell out of our mutant garden before it was too late!!! Even pumpkins have a sence of self-preservation too.....at least I did learn that lesson from this fiasco! I’m now wondering what kind of fertilizer TPG used ….. and if anything out there is truly edible.

With sucess .....there is always disappointment.....

2009-07-12T19:00:00.006-04:00

I just realized my welcome back post was actually ....... my 100th post!!!!

I'm a little disappointed that it wasn't everything I always thought it would be...you know like your 21st birthday, or buying a new car. I suppose I'll manage to get through it....some how we always find the will to keep moving on!

Godspeed my good friends!

Inspiration is found.....

2009-07-09T20:59:00.005-04:00

In the most unusual places. In my particular case it was located in Kentucky..... at the lake house this past weekend. A stranger approached me at a small gathering on Friday prior to the 4th of July. His name was John and this particular man was missing a leg. Inspiring to say the least as he played corn hole and mingled amongst the other guest. It was then that he spotted me as I sat quietly rocking Good Girl in my arms. I heard him say out loud from across the room .... "Sue! Look she's here! The guru girl is here and she has GG with her!".

The Seed Had Been Planted!

A complete stranger had read my blog and recognized me. However this recognition was bitter sweet for me......knowing how I'd left my few faithful readers high & dry for so many long months.

We continued to chat for a good while as he told me how he found me. He "googled" Dixie Bend Retreat and one of my post was the first to appear. He read my story ....several times ....laughing endlessly ...... then decided to share it with Sue, his wife. They continued to read my blog and recognized my family. It's an easy leap to make considering we're pretty much the ass clowns of the retreat.

During our conversation he asked me why I no longer continued to write. I was coming up short! I had no logical, or even a fairly decent excuse to give him. His question made me feel strangely guilty and it was at that moment that I decided to give it another try.

I mean seriously folks.......I'm practically a celebrity now.....at least in Kentucky. How can I, in good conscience keep all of this literary greatness to myself any longer?

I'm back...BIGGER & better THEN EVER.....

2008-12-12T14:40:00.005-05:00

I'm sure all of my faithful reader have wonder where the hell I've been hiding the past 6 or so weeks..... the answer..... In the unemployment line!

Yes, just as the country started to make some wonderful and exciting changes we also headed straight towards the great recession. I am one of the 22% of unemployed individuals who contribute to making my city one of the fastest dying cities in America ...at least according to Forbes Magazine. However, that's something we've known for a while.....and we surely didn't need them telling EVERYONE ELSE! So thanks a lot Forbes!!!

Moving on to BIGGER & BETTER news.

It looks as though I've gained a new audience of readers during my absence! Welcome Mr. & Mrs. BIGWOOD!! I'm pleased to have you join us because your daily visits only increase my viewer totals....which in return makes my page that much stronger. So thank you deeply for your stalking....I mean patronage! Since the two of you think finding my blog was some kind of extravagant treasure, let's just say I've known all along that one day you would find me here and you're foolish to believe otherwise. I'm just wondering "what the hell took you so long"? However your devious plans to black mail me with my personal opinion has unfortunately been foiled! Let it be known that Senior BIGWOOD knows about this page, for I have already shown him myself! So please feel free to show him any "paper copies" you claim to have in your possession.....I actually wish that you would. I will tell you that it's very gratifying to know that having you read my words... The Words of Truth.... shows that you are not to far gone and you still have a chance of breaking your spell of lies and deceit.

As for my other more favorable readers....thank you sticking with me! Over the last few weeks I've collected many wonderful stories to share with you. Including but certainly not limited to:

Successfully potty training in only 4 days
GG visit with Santa Claus
TPG's BIG WINNER
My daily life as a SAHM

Updates coming REAL soon!

Did I mention how much I missed you guys? I really did....at least most of you!

Obama Mama.....Oh Boy!

2008-11-04T10:59:00.012-05:00

FINALLY! The day the entire nation has waited so patiently for. I was more then pleased to be standing in line at the polls just before 7am this morning!

History is being made today and I am excited to be apart of it! However ..... it's not been an easy fight....holding my ground considering the recent events that have lead up to this historical day. I've decided to share my story with a picture enhanced essay.....the short version.

It all began this past Friday evening. I was having a pleasant, non-hostile conversation regarding the upcoming election, including the presidential candidates as well as a few local issues on the ballot. I quickly realized why I usually keep my political views to myself but considering I was with FAMILY..... I felt as though I could express my opinion with minimal judgment. I was FUCKING WRONG.... OH ..... SO WRONG! The non-hostile conversation quickly became some sort of distorted debate with an excessive amount of political smears...... lots of repeats from advertisements and fabricated stories from botched websites. It was so much fun....even if I had been numbered 10-1, hiding in the corner...... crouched down in the fetal position....I held my ground.

These people were Republican Wolves! The rabid kind...foaming at the mouth, swarming around me .....waiting for their ring leader to attack the innocent prey. After the political escapade was finally over and I regained my composure.....I felt the need to retaliate. With Vengeance! The following day we were all attending a baby shower for a family member who wasn't involved with the "negative campaigning" (must be a republican thing) the previous night.

At this point I felt the wolves were now one up on me. I couldn't let them feel the satisfaction of "winning" .... so I arrived at the baby shower wearing this..... silver glittering .....picture doesn't even do it justice.... home made shirt.

Can you believe I made this little get up myself? Lovely isn't it?!?!? I've already had 3 request to make them one, not to even mention the numerous question asking where I bought it!

Everything at the baby shower went surprisingly well with a the exception of a few stares or comments made under their breath. The score was now even and I felt complete satisfaction after seeing the shock on the faces from the same attackers just hours before.

A few days pass by without incident. That is until yesterday when I arrived home to find a package on my doorstep. It was wrapped in the Sunday comics (dead give away to the culprit) with a note that said "To the Obama Home....Love, John McCain". I opened this suspicious package to find a Limited Edition Collectors doll from The Ashton-Drake Co. Not just any doll either.....a rather small doll named KENDALL (GG's real name) and this particular treasure happened to be BLACK! Now if you know this doll company...you'll know that's a rather expensive "gag gift" considering the price alone is nearly $60. I was laughing so hard I nearly pissed my pants. "OH NO" I realized in the midst of my joy.....the score was no longer even...they were again ...one up on me.

Not to be out done by my campaigning competition....I devised a master plan. Unfortunately, Barack Obama winning the Presidency today simply isn't enough of a victory for me. I needed to take it to the next level!

The culprit is my Great Aunt Judy! She was a member of the Chicago 2008 Girlfriends Get-A-Way ...... and she really is GREAT...even without the actual title of being my Mom's aunt. The comic wrap job is a signature trademark on all of her so called pranks. Her only sister was my wonderful Grandmother Joann, who passed away in 2001. Aunt Judy has an amazing sense of humor and we all laugh & carry on when all of us are together. After her little doorway delivery yesterday....I made her a special gift and mailed it out this morning to her home.

The package included a thank you note accepting their gift graciously and letting her know that Change was on the way over the next 4 years as I plan to be a great leader! Signed "Barack "The Big O".

This hot little piggy was given to me by my Grandma Joann before she passed away. It was one of the many silly things she collected at the garage sales she loved to shop at so much. It's fate was decided yesterday as I planned to pass her along to Aunt Judy. I wasn't sad to part with Ms.Piggy either because I know she'll be taken care of. Please pray that she makes a safe arrival to her destination.....tomorrow. I am seriously worried that she may be damaged along her "campaign trail".

Now that the final day is here....I am pleased to know that we have settled our difference as mature adults and I look forward to seeing everyone over the Holidays......while I wear my shirt proudly. I think I might add something fun to the back of it.....and suggestions?

Beat My Chicken.....

2008-10-31T11:26:00.009-04:00

Oh....I'm sorry! I meant "Eat Mor Chikin"

Here's Good Girl's Happy Ween 2008 costume.

Chick-Fila Cow

I couldn't believe the enormous response to her costume! She was voted "Best Costume" in our neighborhood and people were going out of their way to come up and see her. I wasn't expecting all the attention .......I mean....geez, she's just a cow! GG was loving the spot light! She would "moo" and the occasionally bark like a puppy. When she finally realized that a simple "tick teet" would filll her spider bucket up with chocolate treats....that shit was on! She was great about saying thank you too, which totally surprised me.

The highlight of my 2008 beggars night came when she started telling people to "Eat Mor Chikin".......but she eventually she forgot what or how to say it. Being the genius 2yr old that she is.....she totally compromised with...... "Beat My Chicken". Her fans went crazy, taking pictures while laughing and she continued to march around the yard drawing a bigger & bigger crowd.

Even better......the cow costume was an old hand-me-down and it didn't cost a dime! I made the signs at work...for free! My only expense for the halloween gig was the spider bucket that can be used year after year and I dropped a whole $3 on it at the weekend warehouse! Watching GG march around our front yard like a New York City street performer .....singing "Beat My Chicken".....PRICELESS!!!

Happy "Ween"

2008-10-31T11:09:00.006-04:00

at least that's what GG would say!

I'm sorry I've not posted this week. I've been feeling sick, incredibly busy and received more bad news about my mom's cancer. I'll try to post more next week when things hopefully return back to normal.....or at least Kimmguru Normal.....which isn't really considered normal to most!

Enough with the sad poor me party. It's Halloween and it's such a great reason to celebrate....bitches!

Tonight is the the debut of Bobby Light and his Dirty Girl for the big costume party. I must secretly admit that my idea of a Dirty Girl is so dead on to Peggy Bundy that I've really considered telling people that's who I am tonight.

So.....have fun & be safe!

Thousand Words Thursday.....

2008-10-23T13:53:00.012-04:00

Here's this weeks Thousand Word Thursday hosted by Jen at Cheaper Then Therapy. Please head over there and check out all the other "players" who have posted some really great photos!

This a picture of myself and one of my best friends, Jenni....that "bitch who loves s'mores". She is such a great person inside and out and I am so thankful to have her in my life. Jenni has had some tough times in her life.....trust me she knows what hardship is. She lost her mother when she was only 11yrs. old, became a teenage mother herself and sacrificed her "fun years" to provide a better life for her family. She had to grow up too fast in a world that didn't even notice or care. Because of her struggles, Jenni has not only learned to survive..... but to also be successful in everything she does. Her motivation, will and desire to achieve her personal best inspires me to be a better person. She is one of the only people I know in this world who can love without conditions and it shows in everything she does, everyday.

I believe that in our lives we only have a few chances to met our "Jenni". I know that no matter happens in my life, I will never let her go!

Show & Tell.....

2008-10-22T13:41:00.006-04:00

Since my new blogging buddies, Maddness of Me & Motherhood in NYC have posted pictures on something wordless Wednesday...I don't know what the hell it's called..... I too decided to post something in my city that I get to look at everyday.

I'd like to take a moment to introduce you to my very close & personal friend......

GIANT JESUS

Sometimes when we're just hanging out I like to call him G.J. for short. You know...cause he's my Dude.

Seriously, this statue of GJ is actually 62' high. He's located just north of Cincinnati on I-75. His church is between my "home" exit and my "work" exit and I get the pleasure of passing him every day M-F ..... sometimes up to 4 times a day!He is so famous....Wikipedia even has an entry about him. You know what they say about Wiki...once you're in there that you have officially arrived. Oh...and he is Jesus for heavens sake....we all know he's coming soon anyway!

There have been songs written about our Giant Jesus, he's been featured on an episode 3, season 1 of Rob & Big, he's pretty much a local celebrity around here. I hope you all can share the joy that I have with GJ at some point in your lives.....because GJ totally ROCKS, despite what his critics say.

Often while at work, I'm giving directions to our customers and I feel the need to tell them.... "If you found Jesus then you've gone too far!". My company hasn't quite accepted it as our new slogan but it's always good for a laugh.

I keep looking for my name in Wiki..............still waiting!

Coming to the rescue.....

2008-10-20T15:20:00.012-04:00

The Pepsi Guy decided that he wanted to be "Bobby Light" from Rob & Big as his Halloween Costume this year. We have a great party to go to and the costumes really should be excellent from what we've heard so far!

There was no changing his mind about it either.....regardless of my persuasive tactics at encouraging the Bush & Tush ideal!So, in supporting TPG in his Big Halloween Adventure, I have been asked to go as a "dirty girl". I shit you not! I don't really mind because the costume is actually pretty easy, so you would think. I picked up these gem of a pant at the local thrift store for $1.
Skin thigh leopard print stretch pants. Seriously folks....it doesn't get any trasher then that right there! These pants are such a big hit at my house that I would have possibly paid nearly $2 if I'd known the love they've been shown.

I think TPG has a thing for trashy, dirty girls! GG loves the pants even more the he does....like that's possible! I have to keep these gems hidden from her....because if she even spots a glimpse of them, she'll ask me to put on my "Diego Pants".

I'm glad Halloween is just a few weeks away. I'm afraid that if I have to wear these pants one more time I may have a debilitating limp from the wicked camel toe.

Dear Malea & Loren,

2008-10-16T16:43:00.003-04:00

We have been challenged to take the process of hair removal to the next level. With modern technology, there is nothing we can't accomplish.

Anna at Life just keeps gettin weirder was forced to face her hair removal alone. But we have something she didn't.....WE have EACH OTHER, like some strange hair removal support group.

Just remember girls....I got your back! But only the spots you can't reach yourself.

Kimmguru

Thousand Word Thursday.....

2008-10-16T13:07:00.003-04:00

Here's this weeks Thousand Word Thursday hosted by Jen at Cheaper Then Therapy. Please head over there and check out all the other "players" who have posted some really great photos!

This is the expression I get from Good Girl when I tell her she isn't going to get another Popsicle. I think she is trying to scream something along the lines of "More Cooks". Cooks are what she actually calls popsicles and regardless of the amount of correction......they are still called cooks.

It's nice because when she wants me to "cook" all I have to do is pull out a popsicle and all is well in our home!

New sidebar crap.....

2008-10-16T11:53:00.003-04:00

Don't forget to check out my newest entry on the sidebar, "100 Things About Me".
You may or may not be surprised by what I admitted openly about myself....but I had a lot of fun doing it! It's nostalgic to think back about my childhood. Be sure to let me know if there is something you want to hear more about in a post!

Let's Play....photo shop included.....

2008-10-15T11:17:00.009-04:00

I was tagged by Heather over at Sugar N Spice to do this little game and thought it was a really cute idea.

The rules are:

Go to your Sixth Picture Folder then pick your Sixth Picture.
Pray that you remember the details.
Tag 5 others.
Pay my mortgage (just kidding, I read that this morning & I've be laughing ever since!)

I'm tagging- Sweetened*Taters, 7 Acers of Heaven, Jen at Work, Maddness of Me, and finally Divine Secrets of a Pastoral Princess.

I almost didn't even want to post my picture after I realized who was in it! Instead of being a sore sport about the game......I took it upon myself to use the picture but be creative with my edits.

My picture was taken at my sweet little niece, Lil' BIGWOOD's 1st birthday party in December 2007. She is held by her father THE INFAMOUS.....Mr. BIGWOOD.

I know, I know...it's a little harsh! The important thing is.....I played the game!

Today's the BIG DAY.....

2008-10-15T08:13:00.002-04:00

Handbag Planet's big online Grand Opening! They'll be giving away 1 purse every hour to celebrate! Hopefully you entered yourself in their contest and if you're like me.....you entered as many times as possible, which was something like 36 times.

What can I say? I love handbags but I LOVE FREE handbags even better!

Good Luck to everyone who entered and be sure to let me know if you win!

Meet Maggie.....

2008-10-14T14:12:00.016-04:00

Maggie Mae "Guru" aka..... Maggie Moose.

"Moose" has been our beloved pet for the past 10 years. She is an old 85lb. hound/coon dog and we've converted her into a city slicker. She still has some of her own breed (whatever that may be) characteristics like incredible super hero smelling powers, insatiable appetite, stubbornness and complete laziness. When someone wants to know how big she is, I'll always tell them " She the size of a 4th Grader".

The Pepsi Guy and I like to joke about how she "lives the life of luxury". Maggie was our very first experiment as being parents. I think we succeeded in giving her a life that most mutts would only dream of. She sleeps most hours of the day in OUR bed, right in between us during the night, she eats diner with us, has a nice big fenced yard that can be accessed at any time and a loving neighbor who showers her with milk bones EVERY TIME she is outside, multiple times a day.

Without a doubt, Maggie is TPG's dog. Their relationship would be sickening to most normal people and probably illegal in all 48 continental states. Our dog will greet TPG at the door with a smile....yeah, she really smiles, and he greets her with lots of hugs & kisses...usually with his mouth open because that's the way she likes it! This same dog won't even get out of bed when I come home from a long day and I practically have to force her out of bed in the morning to pee before I head to work.

GG simply adores Maggie and her name was actually one of GG's first words. Until recently, every dog we ever encountered was called a "Maggie". GG has been using her imagination more & more lately and her favorite game is to "play puppy". It's annoying cute! Unfortunately Maggie doesn't like GG nearly as much. She's actually quite annoyed all the time with this small human who has some how taken over the home she once ruled. Even though Maggie basically tries to ignore GG at all cost, she can't help but love & protect the small ~~bully~~ child.

It saddens me to think that Maggie will not be with us much longer. She is 10 years old now and I can see how the years have effected her large body. She just isn't as playful and spunky as she was before we brought GG home the hospital. When the day comes for Maggie Moose to pass, TPG & I will be devastated....just as I am *teary* eyed typing it out.

But for now Maggie is alive & well!!! I love this picture of GG & Maggie Moose in the back of my truck.
Look at GG's face!!!! I think Maggie farted and she got a big wiff of it. *Priceless*

Besides introducing you to Maggie, this post has ulterior motives. You see Christmas is just around the corner! I can't think of a single gift to tell Santa Claus that GG would like to have. It's no big secret that she hasn't really been that great and if TPG weren't the Fat Jolly Man himself......she probably just get a few cat turds under the tree with a 1/2 eaten candy cane.

I'm trying, with all thing festive in my heart & soul to convince TPG to let GG get a puppy for Christmas. She is the perfect age for a tiny little buddy to frolic under her feet, while running through flowering meadows in the Spring time. Can you see it? I can almost smell the flowers now! But TPG is a stubborn old goon....and he doesn't see it, or let alone smell it! *JERK* He's afraid that he'll betray Maggie and she'll live her last moments as a bitter old hag and that he'll be to blame for her misery. I told him to blame me because she doesn't even like anyway!! I told him that a puppy may be what Maggie need to get her grove back...Stella Style! I'm still working on him & I may need to bust out the reinforcements..... like lingerie or Grand Parents.

In the mean time.....do you guys have any kid friendly breed suggestion? Or stories of your own beloved pets that are aging or have passed away?

My Transformation.....

2008-10-14T10:50:00.003-04:00

I'm finished with my Blogger makeover. I was going to use a template from a site....blah, blah, blah but that shit is insanely confusing. That's unfortunate because I can actually read & alter HTML codes surprisingly well for not having any formal training.

As you already know, I'm lazy... so I just changed a few colors here and there and added a few thing "ghetto style" and *poof*....it's done and I'm satisfied for now. At least until I take the time to read some direction and quit thinking I'm actually smarter that I really am.

The most important thing...... I feel pretty!

Under Construction.....

2008-10-13T16:03:00.003-04:00

I've decided to give myself a makeover.

It's not like you'll really even notice...unless you're one of my 4 readers. It's just that I'm pissed off today and I want to feel pretty instead!

So hang in there....it shouldn't take forever.....I hope!

Insane Madness.....

2008-10-13T14:24:00.004-04:00

I told myself that I wouldn't start my week off as "Debbie Downer"!
Too late! There's no stopping the ball....because it's already in motion!

I received a telephone call from my father today. This is the man I admire most in all the world, that one person I would hate to disappoint and whom also has extremely high expectations for me to achieve greatness!

I love him! But today.....I really pissed him off....BIG TIME! I'm talking BIG TIME ..... like I have never done such a thing in my entire 30 years and it felt great!

He's call to me was strictly business in regards to my relationship with Mr. BIGWOOD. The word has leaked out to the parents about the dispute and they have now become involved because Mr. BIGWOOD is a big fat sissy and at 32yrs. old tells his daddy about the drama he has started....some how manages to blame me for.

Senior BIGWOOD has taken it upon himself to end this sibling rivalry. Of course he calls Mr. BIGWOOD first to hear his side of the story, which undoubtedly was completely fabricated into what he thinks our father wanted to hear in order to side with him. I on the other hand told the truth and nothing but the truth, basically from the beginning, without hiding a single detail. I even mentioned the voice mails I have saved as audio proof...... including the one where he express his hopes of my suicide or death by any means...No Kidding!

You can say that at this point Senior BIGWOOD isn't very happy......with either one of his. He's mad because this has continued on for months and everyone knows about it but him. He asked me to "squash" all of the nonsense and to let everything go. I explained to him, that I was not to blame for the continuation of the fight because I am not a grudge holder (which he obviously knows) but he continues to lie and make shit up so he can hide his secrets from the bitch he's married to. I explained that regardless of an apology from Mr.BIGWOOD, my relationship would never be the same with him.

Basically my call ended with Senior being mad at me for not being the bigger person in the matter. I'm sure that after he settles down a bit he will understand. My entire purpose in holding my ground is to make a point. That point is that I will no longer tolerate Mr. BIGWOOD, Big Fat Sissy Pants, treating me like SHIT! If that means that I will no longer have a relationship with him the rest of my life....well, so FUCKING be it! I'll take this fight to my grave.

It's that time of year.....

2008-10-13T11:25:00.006-04:00

Fall in our home represents many different things. One of our favorite adventures starts this Saturday and continues on until the end of April!

Good Girl starts gymnastics again.....and boy is she super excited! I finally told her over the weekend that we were getting ready to start the new session after having the long summer off. She was so excited about the news, she felt obligated to start practicing at that very moment.

GG's weekend was filled with somersaults, marching, tip toe walking, jumping and spinning in circles until she fell to the floor giggling! TPG and I love taking the class with GG because she really does so well on all of the apparatuses. It's almost like it's her natural ability to hang upside down like a monkey and swing from ropes. One of our instructors said GG has the potential to be an excellent gymnast and has a lot of the things they look for to build their competitive team....which I took as...open up the pocket book and start dishing out the funds! The only problem is, she gets bored easily when another classmate don't "pick up" as easily as she does....so she wants to do what the 4-5 yr olds are doing. It absolutely takes TPG and I both to tag team her energy during the class, while other children easily accomplish the same things with just one parent.

So here she is doing one of the things she is as passionate about as bubbles, Dora the Explorer and riding her tricycle backwards!

Marching with her Daddy

She loved to swing on the rope!

The bar is one of her best apparatuses!

I can hardly keep up with her on the balance beam!

Dear Good Girl,
I hope you do exceptionally well at gymnastics! Not that I don't want you to do well at other things in life but this particular hobby is your meal ticket to college. I am discussing this with you in advance so it's no surprise to you in the future when we explain that your college savings was spent by funding your passion as an adolescent for competitive gymnastics . Therefore, you have no choice but to get an athletic scholarship to fund your higher education or get a job at McDonald's selling double cheeseburgers off the dollar menu. Just know TPG & I did the best we can!

Good Luck!
Mama

Hostility with urge to attack.....

2008-10-10T15:42:00.023-04:00

I simply can not organize a single thought in my head. I feel as if every topic I'd like to write about starts bouncing around my head like a pinball machine. To solve this attention problem I've decided to give you bullet points of random subjects that lack structure and basic elements that are needed to actually understand the english language.

I started taking Adipex again.....which completely explains my extreme paranoia. The last time I took this doctor prescribes weight loss drug I lost 35lbs in like 4 months. Apparently I forget some of it's side effects and what I found out was fricken HILARIOUS. After reading up on adipex from my very "reliable" source called WIKIPEDIA I realized that I probably should have done my research before I started on a medication for THE THIRD TIME!

Some of the "More Common Side Effects" are listed as......

Insomnia
Increased blood pressure
Irritability
Nervousness
Sense of well-being
Dry mouth
Unpleasant taste
Clumsiness
Confusion
Diarrhea
Dizziness
Headache
Psychosis
Tiredness

I already suffer from most of these things on a daily bases because I am a Mom and a Wife. I really started cracking up at the "Less Common Side Effects" listed below.

Convulsions (seizures)
Dizziness
Fever
Hallucinations
Hostility with urge to attack
Irregular blood pressure
Lightheadedness or fainting
Mental depression, following a period of excitement
Tremors, trembling or shaking
Overactive reflexes
Panic
Restlessness
Severe nausea, vomiting or diarrhea
Stomach cramps
Tiredness or weakness

Let's just hope I don't have any of the "Less Common" shit happen because that stuff is just whack! Especially the shit I highlighted for you. Can you imaging if all the craziness happened to me at once. I'll just leave you alone for a moment to let it all sink in.
Yeah and while you're at.......Do not take anything I said as medical advice, and do not assume I think I know what I'm talking about. Sadly, I know I do not.

2. Day 3 of Intervention has been extremely difficult for me. I've thought about MW a few times but I've been holding strong. It's insane to think about how much actual work I'm able to do in the course of a day, especially while on adipex (which is like 10X more then normal). It's even crazier to think about the crap I've been putting off. It's a wonder I'm still gainfully employed.

3. A Friend has asked me to help her out this weekend by styling her High School Daughter & her Friend's hair for their Homecoming Dance. You know...because I went to a few homecomings and that makes me totally qualified. I tried to explain to the mother that I "take pictures" and hair styling just isn't my thing....however...it didn't work. I had this terrible prediction that I'd RUIN this big event for both of them. And you know how dramatic everything is when you're a teenage girl. So, being the logical person that I am...... I recruited Kid Sister to help. You know.... because she's totally qualified too. Two moms, a college kid sister, two hysterical teenage girls, some hair spray & a few hot curling irons.....we're bound to make some magic happen. Or possibly ruin the reputation of two very pretty, very popular high school drama queens who will never forgive us and definitely never forget.

I hope you all have a great & wonderful weekend. I'll try my best to keep doing whatever it is that I do...only now at 100mph!

Intervention....Day 2.

2008-10-09T15:15:00.003-04:00

Finally, after admitting my addiction to MySpace Mafia Wars and the negative affect it's had on all of us, I felt so relieved. I was able to really believe that I could finally get the help I needed to have a successful recovery. I had an indescribable hunger and I wanted to know what sobriety really taste like.

Would you believe it if I told you I gave it up.....COLD TURKEY? Yeah, you heard me!!!!! C-O-L-D...... T-U-R-K-E-Y!!! Yeah for me, I really did it!

I had finally reached the point in my game where I was realized that I wasn't having FUN any more. I had more weapon and cars then I could possibly use and I couldn't spend the money I earned hourly fast enough. I gave up an empire that most mafia members could only dream of. AND...I felt good about it. I did it on my terms, without looking back!

Jenni took the news hard when I told her my decision to end the addiction. The awkward silence was broken by her sobs & pleas to "hang in there" and "just a few more days". I realized that we enabled each other in this addiction and I suggested she seek help for herself. I know it's nearly impossibly for me to stay sober as long as she continues to plays behind my back.

With that being said;

Dear Jenni,
I'm here today because I love you. I can no longer sit back and watch you kill yourself with your addiction to MySpace Mafia Wars. I am asking you to get the help you need TODAY. Join me TODAY in sobriety and I promise you we can beat this disease together. If you choose to not get the help you need TODAY, I will no support you or your addiction. I will have no choice but to remove you from my top 8 friends and replaced as #9. I will no longer accept your comments or messages, unless they are regarding your treatment, recovery or sobriety.

Will you accept this gift of treatment today? I love you!

I really want to thank my blog friends and my own blog for encouraging me to do what I needed to do. I knew it was leading to nowhere and headed there real fast. I discovered my love for blogging again..... which is a true blessing. I'm really going to need something to fill the 8 hours a day of MW that I played for the past few weeks.

I'll get there....one day at a time.

A Thousand Word Thursday

2008-10-09T12:19:00.008-04:00

Jen over at Cheaper then Therapy has started "A Thousand Word Thursday". What a great way to share your favorite pictures with all of your blogging friends.

I know , I know...... I've been a bit harsh this week with the Ugly Butts, Addiction Recovery and Hating Mr. BIGWOOD......so I decided to post a happy picture.

Good Girl, Siesta Keys Florida, April 2008

If I could only take one photograph to cherish the rest of my life as a mother. It would have to be this picture....HANDS DOWN!

My Butt.....

2008-10-08T11:46:00.015-04:00

Have you ever looked at your butt? I mean really taken a good look at it? I'm not talking about the "hole" either....I mean the cheeks.... as a whole. What a really weird thing to look at!

I am discussing this with you today because of a series of events that have recently happened and I feel the need to share. This morning, I'm walking down the dimly light hallway ..... naked. Nothing unusual from any other morning except the fact that it was much darker outside due to rain coming through the area. For whatever reason I catch a glimpse of my backside. MY BUTT! Or should I say, lack there of.

In high school my cheer squad nicknamed me "Ass Back". I'm sure it was from my lack of "junk in the trunk" if you will and I've basically been a flat wall from behind since then. Well....some things really do never change but thanks to our not so dear friend GRAVITY...... other things will!

Back to this morning. In my head I'm thinking "WTF?" almost confused as to what the piss poor lighting had to offer my eyes. My butt was long, saggy, dimply, and basically lifeless! It kind of resembled road kill that had been ran over by a semi truck......repeatedly!

In the disappointed, grief stricken moment of nakedness in the hallway..... I was PISSED. I was really pissed off at GOD!

This is what I said to him;

"God, why are you so unkind to women? Do you secretly hate us? What did we ever do to you besides eat one bad apple? We have all the hard jobs down here. Not to even mention giving birth and then raising those little monkeys too. I mean seriously DUDE, I can handle the saggy boobies because we all know they have to go somewhere.....but..... WHAT'S UP WITH THE UGLY BUTTS? Give us a break! Why can't the guys have the ugly butts? I just don't understand!"

Then I suddenly remembered the letter I received in the mail last week from my Gym. They were THANKING me for my patronage as my 1 year anniversary was approaching this month. Enclosed was a survey asking for any comments or remarks I'd like to share.

I decided there were a FEW things I'd like to share with them.

Dear Kimmguru's Over Price Gym,
I would like to take a moment to share a few comments with you, as you requested. I would like for you to consider my voice as the voice of The Whole. I feel as though I'm an excellent representative for all members, including men. As you know, I have been a member of your gym for the past year. I have attended weekly exercise classes including Zumba, Kickboxing and I've even met with a personal trainer at some point to get a weight lifting regime. I still have an Ugly Butt!

I am not the only gym member who is suffering from this epidemic. You should really trust me on this issue, in which I consider myself an expert. I actually have the ability to show you an Ugly Butt if substantial proof is necessary. I/We would like to know what you plan on doing to resolve this situation. I would like to meet with you in person within the next 30 days to devise a game plan.

However, if you elect to not address our concern with satisfactory results, we will have choice but to advertise The Gym's name across our Ugly Butts . This should serve as a warning to other potential members. We feel it would be unfair to not warn them as the help they seek is not available here and they should search elsewhere for an accredited facility. Possibly one that has visual proof that Beautiful Butts really do exist.

Please note that I have attached a picture of an Ugly Butt. Clothing is optional during our upcoming meeting. We feel that it's important for you to see first hand....just how BIG of a problem we are facing.

Kimm Guru
member

Mafia Wars Intervention.....

2008-10-08T10:51:00.005-04:00

In the past....I have confessed to you, my love for the television show Intervention. Well, my addiction hasn't gotten any better...... in fact .... I've now added a new, almost obsessive compulsive hobby to my list of thing I'll be seeking help for ....WHEN I'M READY, not when you trap me in some sort of chat room and suggest I go seek help today!

Addiction: MySpace Mafia Wars
Enablers: Work ..... because they pay me to play all day long and Jenni ..... because she may be more addicted then I am.

I believe you should be upset at the so called "DRUG" of Mafia Wars because it has affected your life negatively in the following ways;

You can no longer count on me to write a post that may capture your interest.
I am probably not reading your blog as I once did & if by chance I am reading them....I'm not leaving comments.
I have distanced myself from you and we no longer have that warm fuzzy relationship we once shared.

Mafia Wars has affected MY LIFE negatively in the following ways;

I no longer have time to blog
I lose sleep at night dreaming about the Hitlist
My patiences or tolerance for bullshit is non-existent
I talk about MW at least once in every conversation
I have secret desires to give up my life as a mother and join a real Mafia.

Everyone knows that admitting there is a problem is really the most difficult step. So, now that we have that out of the way......I gotta go bank my earnings, do some hits, smuggle some booze, and fight some rival gangs.

We'll address step 2 tomorrow. I think that step is to introduce you to MW. Not only to make my gang stronger ...... BUT...... really to help YOU understand this disease called addiction.

Ding Dong.......

2008-10-08T09:57:00.005-04:00

It's not big secret that I've been feuding with my asshole brother, Mr. BIGWOOD. It has completely gotten out of hand at this point and I am basically fearing for my life. Well, not really....that was more for dramatic effect!

Last Friday that asshole started accusing my BFF Jenni & I of "ding dong ditching" their home late one night a few weeks ago. How convenient for them....as they claim this apparently happened a night that we were out with some girlfriends for a Ladies Night. Ding Dong Ditching is when you sneak up to the house, ring the door bell several times and then run like mad to get away. This is a game the kids play ...... not 30ish woman ...... who have better things to do like playing Air Hockey at the arcade for hours on in that same evening.

He claims to have whitenesses that identified the two of us leaving the scene of the said incident. Then that asshole even told Jenni that I admitted to him that we actually did it....which was a bold face lie!

Please keep in mind that his accusations started on a Friday afternoon. The same day that he knew we were going to be out of town for the weekend. Would you not believe the Mother F**ker came to my house, pried my door bell straight off the brick, cut the wire to disconnect it and then stole my damn door bell!?!?! To top all things....... HE DENIED EVEN DOING IT! I mean seriously folks...... does he think I lick f**king windows for a living?

In my opinion, he has completely gone to far! I had no choice but to file a police report in regards to the vandalism done to my home, in which I own and pay the mortgage! Of course I gave Mr. BIGWOOD'S name, address, phone number, description, make & models of his vehicles, birthday & social security number. I was praying to all things holy that he had an outstanding warrant or that his DNA came back as a suspect in some Alaskan Murder Case. After hearing the voice mails that have been left on my phone for months...... the officer who filed my report advised me to seek a protection order against Mr. BIGWOOD. The cop heard how crazy the suspect was and felt that I needed to take action before something really serious happens.

This entire situation with him & his wife is completely unbelievable! For the past 4-5 months I have not shown any emotion to the games they play or lies they continue to tell. Because I have taken the high road and basically ignored them.....they have completely consumed their lives with me and every little detail involved. Believe it or not.... they even hijacked my private MySpace page and then began to harass my friends about comments made. We're talking about comments made, unrelated to them but yet they assumed they were direct digs at them personally.

I know that all of this sound so ridiculous and petty. I mean, we are talking about my biological brother and his hard-on for hating all things I came into contact with. Nothing he does seems to SHOCK me anymore. As I take a step back and look at every thing that has happened up to this point...... he is honestly 99.9% responsible. He will never admit that he is the root and even if he did apologize to me.....nothing will ever be the same. I'm really curious as to what I should do next.

Can I get a side of matching shoes too?

2008-10-01T08:43:00.002-04:00

Click here to enter to win a free handbag from handbagplanet.com! They'll be giving away 24 bags on the day of their launch, which is 10/15/08!!!

Looks like I'll have a new favorite shopping site in just a few days!

Good Luck!

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.....

2008-09-30T10:36:00.009-04:00

I am officially a mother who has suffered a traumatic event that will forever change the relationship I have with my child.

I pride myself in knowing that I can handle the most stressful situations head on with a calm and tactful approach that has been proven time and time again to work. I am mentally strong! TPG on the other hand is far more emotional, always expects the worse outcome and extremely squeamish and disgusted at the first sight of blood, gore or needles. He's a Big Fat Sissy!

Last Monday afternoon, while I was at work, TPG and GG were enjoying a nice bubble bath. As TPG got out and started to shave at the sink, he let her continue to play while the water was draining out. Moments later GG said "Wook Sissy!!!"as she proceeded to show him her new fun trick "Jumping". Apparently jumping with bubbles and water involved is far more impressive then just regular jumping. Before TPG realized exactly what she was about to do….she slipped, fell and busted the bottom of her chin open on the side of our new bathtub. She began bleeding on impact as TPG started to freak out. He was covered in shave cream, she in blood stained bubbles, both completely naked. He called me at work moments after he applied pressure to her chin and started to stop the bleeding.

I met him a few minutes later at the Emergency Room where we spent the next 4.5 hours with a sweet little but extremely tough baby girl. She would tell me, "Mama what happened? My Boo Boo!" then continued to run and play with the other children also waiting. It was obvious that we were a perfect fit during our timely stay. I'm mean sure...GG is wearing mismatched pajamas crazy shoes that may or may not have actually fit with her wet crazy hair that desperately needed to be brushed. TPG throw on the first thing that he could grab which included a pair of basketball shorts that he DESPERATELY needed to be wearing underwear with. Seriously TPG...your junk was all over the place and I saw people talking/pointing when you went to the restroom. They probably thought I was their social worker with my suit & sassy heels on.

Once we were finally back in our room, the doctor came in to explain how the procedure was going to take place. GG immediately knew something was about to go down and she would ultimately be involved! I was holding her in my arms when she hugged me close to her and said "Mama, help me please!". It was something I will never forget. There wasn't any thing I could do to help her and it made me tear up knowing she was looking to me for her safety and most importantly ..... strength! TPG started to tear up too because he knew how hard it was for me to hear her little plea for help.

Once the doctor came back into the room GG was rolled up like a burrito, which was funny because she thought she was going to eat a burrito when they explained it to us. They blind folded her and began to sew up our scared little girl. The entire procedure was over in a few extremely difficult to watch minutes. TPG nearly passed out and couldn't bare to watch them sew her back together. GG received 6 stitched to the bottom of her chin and she took it like a champ! I was talking to her the entire time while trying to keep her calm. She reassured me that she was Good Girl and that she loved ice cream.

Once the traumatic event was finally over and I held her in my arms again, she turned to the doctor and told her "Thank you. Good Job!" and finally "I love you!". The doctor said that was the sweetest thing she had ever been told by a little one she pieced back together.

GG would not keep a band-aide over her stitches but she didn't even really know they are there. Every now and again she'd reach for my hand to scratch them for her but she won't touch them. The stitches were removed on Saturday, without incident and she'll make a full recovery!

It was absolutely the hardest thing TPG & I have ever been through as parents. GG knows we'll always there for her and she has been so extremely sweet to us, especially me because I was there for her and made her feel safe, when really all I did was hold her, confess my love for ice cream too and be her mama.

This picture was taken the next day while she was sleeping in her car seat. They look so much bigger in the picture then they really were.

The Blackout of 2008.....

2008-09-30T09:54:00.005-04:00

On Sunday September 14, 2008 (yeah, I know it was weeks ago) my entire region was literary swept away by gust of winds that reached 80 mph for nearly 4 hours. It was said to be the remains of Hurricane Ike winds that wrapped around, without warning and wiped out over 200,000 home of electricity....for days. That number reached 600,000 home through Ohio & Kentucky. A few of those homes are still without power today.

This article doesn't even cover the story in detail. I know that what my neighbors and town went through that week is absolutely nothing compared to the devastation that Ike caused on the coast line of Texas and Louisiana. We are 1,500 miles away and we were hit hard. It really helps you appreciate what you have and brings a community together when you can help each other out.

Our home was one of the very few that never lost power during the wind storm. Actually, only our side of the street still had electricity, while the other side had nothing for 7 days. Every single person that I know in my area, which is a lot of people lost power for at least two days. We were literally the only people I knew who still had electricity! Our lights didn't even flicker and we never lost our satellite/cable television.

So we open our home to help those less fortunate. We housed family members, cooked meals, showered, offered room in a garage fridge and most importantly....supplied coffee and Monday Night Football to those in need. The first few days weren't bad and it was a great feeling to help others. BUT.....by day FOUR, I was dreading the evenings spent once again with my squatters, whom are wonderful people. I would take the long drive home and smoke a million cigarettes while trying to mentally prepare myself for the long evening ahead.

FINALLY, power was restored and we were able to resume of normal lives once again. I realized how we take the simple things like electricity, water, gas, ice, fast food restaurants and PRIVACY for granted . Everything is effected by POWER and if/when you have it taken it away, life is primitive.

Unpaid leave of absence....

2008-09-24T09:04:00.003-04:00

I do sincerely and deeply apologize to all of you for my "unpaid" leave of absence. Of course it's unpaid because it's not like a vacation when someone will magically start writing for me this blog for me!

K'man.......it's not you.....IT'S ME!

Here comes the milking part! I have been terribly consumed with my own personal endeavors that I've not had a moments time to share them with you. Here's what I've been up to in chronological order of events.....

Blackout of 2008
MySpace Mafia Wars
Death in Family
Mafia Wars
GG trip to Emergency Room
Mafia Wars

Since I've been playing Mafia Wars of MySpace (5 days), I've started to notice a pattern of negative or destructive "coincidences" happening all around me. Maybe I should check into reality again and possible take a shower sometime today!

I'll be sure to fill you in on the details of the past week or so ...... just as soon as I re-up my energy and stamina, buy a tommy gun, rob the museum and fight a rival mob.

Big Fat LOSER.....

2008-09-12T14:57:00.010-04:00

Well, my million dollar, artificially whitened smile didn't get me the job! Which is a very important life lesson to my inspiring young future corporate-americans out there. ALWAYS show cleavage and pray to the good lord above that your future boss is a man but most importantly a pervert!

Surprisingly enough I'm not even disappointed about it. I mean sure it was my ticket back to the real corporate world, more money and something that would actually involve using my under stimulated brain cells but life goes on. I was dreading the long 30 minute drive (one way) every time I went back for an interview and that just means another hour away from GG each day. So, it was best that I ended up as #2 which you will hardly ever hear me say. When I followed up with them today, just as I told you I would, I was told they offered it to #1 and she gladly accepted.

I like to think that my starting salary was to high for them to justify and most likely exceeded the gal whom I interviewed with last. She and I were to be equal office leads, while assisting both salesmen. She admitted openly that my advanced computer skills exceeded hers and probably felt as thought I was a threat. However, it really could have been based on the fact that there is visual proof that I tend to wear helmets, or drink a little too much but probably because of my piss poor grammar and being over confident and a special Thanks to K'man over at 7 acres of heaven for pointing that out!

So charging ahead with enthusiasm, just as my geometry teacher Ms. McNaughtin always said.... I shall have far more time to spend with all of you guys!

The million dollar smile should help......

2008-09-11T13:07:00.010-04:00

Some of my readers have been asking about the "job" update.

They said their decision will hopefully be made this week. I was debating about calling tomorrow to follow up with them about it. I have since talked myself in to doing so.

I did find out during my interview that I was 1 of 2 people selected for a final interview out of the 200+ resumes submitted. That was a pretty good feeling knowing that I did at least make it that far. However I know that my witty charm & awesome sense of humor will be an undeniable challenge for my competition. However, I do feel that if we were some what comparable with our previous work history then I could have a problem! My asking salary could have possibly been significantly higher but it was completely warrantied considering the drive and the fact that I'll actually have to do "real work".

If all else fails I'm at least hoping that the million dollar smile has a charming effect of them. You know....because I had to pay for my teeth instead of getting the new bobbies I really wanted. I mean the 2 out of 3 interviews were with women & they didn't really strike me as "boobie girls" anyway! On a lighter note.......at least the bleach is working!

Kimm "Ross Gellar" Guru

I'll be sure to keep all of you updated as to their decision.

The Grand Finale

2008-09-11T08:53:00.005-04:00

Dear Mr. BIGWOOD,

For the past 30 years you have called me your baby sister. You have been my best friend and worst enemy. During our childhood, I was subjected to your bullying, physical and verbal abuse as well as your out right hatred towards me. Unfortunately, you have been able to carry these torturous actions over into our adult lives without facing consequences. On June 23rd I made the decision to no longer have you or your family as an active part of my life. The mental abuse and negative baggage you brought to my world were no longer worth the rare and occasional pleasant moment we seldom shared.

Due to recent events of your lies and deception, I have no choice but to eliminate you from my life completely. You know that you harbor ill feelings towards The Pepsi Guy, Good Girl and Myself and I will no longer accept the heart break you bring to their lives as well as my own. As you continue to pawn friends and family members against us, please know that we have the support of everyone in which you attempt to contaminate with your hatred. The sinister, offensive, selfish and malicious behavior you have shown against me will NOT be tolerated any longer.

You are DEAD to me.

Kimmguru

Monday...already

2008-09-08T09:02:00.005-04:00

Good Monday morning to all of my faithful readers! I know....it's Monday and you're probably thinking....."What the Hell is she doing here.....It's Wednesday already"!

I suppose I was feeling a bit guilty about knowing in advance that our time shared together will soon be limited. You know since I GOT A FINAL INTERVIEW for that really awesome JOB I told you about last week.

Notice I said "final"? That's because I have to meet with one last person, whom will be training me for the position. It's very important for us to get along since we'll be working closely together for a few months. But seriously folks......who can't get along with someone like this?

or even this.....

I mean seriously.....I got this job in the bag!

I've often asked myself the same thing.....

2008-09-05T13:30:00.003-04:00

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E.
Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

I mean it.....

2008-09-05T08:56:00.007-04:00

I have started to notice more and more that every thing TPG & I say is now being repeated by GG. I knew this day would come, it just came FASTER then we expected.

Apparently, I often say the following phrases:

I mean it
I see you
Listen to me
Oh Boy!

She has incorporated these phrases into her everyday conversation and sometimes it's very interesting. Especially when she combines them all together like "Oh boy, I see you! Listen to me, I mean it!" which actually happens quite a bit.....bossy little 2yr old!

The Pepsi Guy's vocabulary is a bit more graphic to say the least, especially while on the telephone with his "boyfriends". I have often asked him to watch the uses of his expletive vocabulary in front of GG. He would catch himself after the fact and I would give him the look.

Last week while cruising through the drive thru, TPG was rather anxious and loudly proclaimed "Move up Bitch". Moments later from the back seat.....guess what we heard in Slow Motion. Our hearts stopped beating for what seems like an eternity as our sweet little girl proudly announces "M O V E- I T- B I S H" (that's the reenactment in slow motion). After the awkward moment of silence and The Look, I asked TPG if he were proud of himself. I shamed him by explaining how the innocence of our sweet child is now gone.....GONE FOREVER!

It's obvious that my hard tactics have made an improvement, at least I like to think so. However, I truly know that for TPG to hear GG's profane laced potty mouth has really made an impact on his daily life. He now uses words like shoot, heck, darn and my personal favorite .... stinken!

So.....great job TPG! Keep up the good work you .... C*@k S*%&ing S@n *f @ B*%#$@H! I'm STINKEN proud of you!

Oh Hot Damn....

2008-09-04T15:40:00.006-04:00

This is my jam.....we keeps it rockin until the a.m.

I have good reason for neglecting you the past few days. Well....it's not really a good one but I'll milk it if you let me!

Seriously, this is a post about my "Job". Yes...I have a real job even though I don't really do anything at it. Actually....I am at this said job right now....writing this blog, because I don't have a single thing to work on. I have to come in here every single weekday at 8am on the dot and not a nano-second late, to sit here and do nothing.....nothing but answer the phone a few times and "act" busy. How ridiculous is that! It's completely ridiculous because I frickin hate it! Well, I don't exactly hate it but it still kinda sucks!

My boss is extremely anal and organized. We're not just talking about the usual type of organization ...... but ..... the very fine line of OCD Organization! He's a frickin LOON when it comes to cleanliness, the way papers are stacked or how binders are labeled. He will even bust out the white glove dust check in my office to make sure I keep my area up to par. News flash to him.....I haven't dusted under my keyboard in a year!!!!! HA!! In your Face!!

You see, I once lived in the fast paced career world of "Corporate America". Hell.... I WAS CORPORATE AMERICA! I gave up a very lucrative and rewarding career as a Diamond Buyer in the Jewelry Industry shortly after I gave birth to GG. I was tried of the traveling, crazy work schedule and smoozing with the "riches". I enjoyed everything that I did and no one gave a rats ass about my dusty office! Being a Good Mama was far more important to me then any job. TPG and I decided it would good if I took a less stressful and demanding job to allow me more freedon and time to spend with GG. It worked out great because I was offered THIS JOB and I gladly accepted. There was a substantial pay cut but I get to unplug at 5pm and it's totally worth it!

Here's where the "Milking" starts.

I have been searching for a exciting new career. You see, last week was the final straw when I was publicly reprimanded for not answering ONE telephone call out of FOUR THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED SIXTY THREE of them that managed to pass through at the exact same time. I decided at that very moment "it was my time to leave" just sort of waiving the Johnny Cash salute and walking out the door!

I actually applied for another Executive Admin. position but later found out that I was selected for an interview based on my "buying experience". It's not a buying job at all and mostly administrative to get a foot in the door but I was pretty pumped up about going back into the corporate world and actually using my brain again. I had two interviews yesterday with the company executives which lasted 2 hours total. It went really well and we even discussed salary compensation...which never happens at a first meeting. This company is fairly new (14 yrs) and has been very successful considering it's a husband/wife team who started from scratch. It's also about a 30 min trip one way from home and I wasn't sure how I would care for that after the 1st week or so. Now, I am really getting excited about the position and hope to hear back from them in a few days.

Unfortunately, if I do get the job....I'll be blogging less. I know, it's hard to do any less blogging then I already do...but I promise to try my best to stay committed to you!

Wish me luck!

It's that time of year...again

2008-08-28T15:58:00.013-04:00

WHO DEY BITCHES!!!!!!

Well if that were an actual question the answer would righteously be ....... EVERYONE!

The Cincinnati Bengals 2008-2009 Football Season is set to begin on Sunday September 7th. Normally I wouldn't really give two shits about our beloved hometown hero's but this year....everything is different! TPG had the chance to buy season tickets due to the financial hardship of a friend.....of a friend. So we rallied the troops to gather the funds in order to get our fall football fix. However, things didn't exactly work out as planned so TPG just bought the whole damn season himself! Here's the good.....GREAT part! Being the budget savvy, entrepreneur he is....he managed to sell 6 of the 8 games he had no interest in attending ..... for a profit, while still keeping the 2 games we wanted for FREE! YEAH! FREE BENGAL TICKETS.......it's really the only way you're going to get me there anyway......FREE!!!!

Some how I also managed to get a verbal commitment from TPG to buy me some cute Ben-Gal gear for our two games. It's more contingent on him getting all of his money back and as a thank you for not killing him when he committed to buying the tickets before telling me! Besides, he didn't want me to be the only fair weather fan to wear something ridiculous ...like a clown wig....while sitting next to him in the stands.

Tonight is our final pre-season game against the Indianapolis Colts. Sorry "Crawley" but I pretty much hate the Colts any time they play the Bengals but other then that.....Peyton Manning is pretty cool and I do like his television commercials. I am strangely excited about this game tonight, even though Carson Palmer isn't playing. Maybe we'll really see how good of a team we have this year. It's probably a good thing that I'm very forgiving and pretty easy to please.

The Lake weekend.....

2008-08-27T15:13:00.005-04:00

I've decided to not post in words about my adult weekend at the lake with The Mac's and company. Besides, you wouldn't believe me if I did! Instead, I've elected to post a few pictures and let you make up your own story.

Go for it! Give it a try & feel free to leave me a comment telling me your version.

THE END!

My Meme

2008-08-27T14:20:00.005-04:00

I was tagged for a Meme by Jen at Jen.At.Work.

The rules;

Link the person who tagged you
Post the rules in your blog
Write 6 random things about yourself
Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
Let the tagger know when your entry is posted

I have thought long and hard about these random things. I'm pretty open on my blog so this was a bit of a challenge for me.

So here are my things:

1. I hate the color PURPLE!
2. I was kind of a "hippie" in high school.
3. I have a compulsive obsession with Craigslist.
4. I sign all of my Credit/Debit Card receipts KAsshole and no one has ever noticed! seriously!
5. I sometimes sniff my armpit when no one is looking.... just to see if I remembered my deodorant.
6. Every single Wednesday I order exactly the same thing for lunch at McDonald's and it cost me $3.07

Now the fun part. The people I'm tagging:

Sweetened*Taters
Sugar 'N Spice & Mostly Nice
Stodghill Says So
Ashley's Closet

I'm stopping there because I'm a "lurker" and not a commenter on the other blogs I read and I'm still new to the neighborhood & haven't made many friends. If I weren't such a raging drunken mess....I might make a few new friends.

SCRRREEEECCCCHHHHH!!!!!!!

2008-08-27T11:15:00.010-04:00

That devastating sound is me applying the breaks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you know TPG are I are going toe to toe in round two this evening ......that was until about 10 minutes ago! I guess more practicing for at least 2 more months is in order. I am a little disappointed to say the least but I know it will be worth the wait.

It was recommended by my friend Malea to look into getting AFLAC coverage for my pregnancy & maternity leave. She had coverage for the birth of her 2nd son, which happened to be premature. Malea was pleased to tell me how the benefits were more then helpful during their tough time and extended NICU stay. I'm already an Accidental Policy holder but today decided to expand my coverage to include Hospital & Disability Benefits as well.

So what that means is that I can't get knocked up before November 1st 2008. My employer doesn't offer any maternity benefits to us. Probably because we're out numbered 14 ladies to 400 men and it doesn't really fit them to provided benefits to so few of us. Breaking it down to.... I get pregnant and take 8 weeks maternity leave without any supplemental income. This wouldn't really be a problem but I have a spending problem and 8 weeks off without pay would be detrimental to OUR savings account. Now granted, I could "save" a few extra bucks to get me through the tough times but we all know that's not going to happen.

So a big thanks to Malea for encouraging me to increase my AFLAC coverage & enjoy a few more weeks of Cherry Vodka.....I do need a little something to wash away my sorrows of pregnancy postponing!

AFLAC!

Happy Wendesday!

2008-08-20T16:11:00.002-04:00

Good Night Moon.....

2008-08-20T11:23:00.006-04:00

I'm sure some of you have at some point have read this story to your child at bed time. It's a classic and kids just love it. I enjoy reading to GG and she seems to enjoy it as well. I think she just likes to tear the books from my motherly death grip and take off running. It's still something that just we do together at bed time and it's a moment I really enjoy sharing with her..... even more so last night then usual.

I read her a new book last night. One that I hadn't read before but it's been sitting on her book shelf for some time. The book was called "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch.

It really was the sweetest book but it touched me in ways that I child's book has never done. The mother is this story loved to sing to her son;

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be

I would actually sing the lyrics to her as she tried to cover my mouth to make me stop. Finally she ripped the book from my hands to toss it over board, she started to sing:

Happy Birthday twinkle twinkle little star.

I tucked her into bed and off to sleepy land she went. I continued to think about the book and how it made me feel. I tried to explain to TPG but he simply didn't understand.

This morning as I was about to head off to work, GG came out of her bedroom. She must have waken up, went to her bookshelf to find this book then she brought it to me and said "please read it". It was so sweet! I couldn't believe she actually found the book on her shelf because I didn't think she had even payed much attention to it. It's the first time she has ever brought me a book in the morning....that's kind of our evening activity. Apparently "Love You Forever" had made as much of an impact on GG as it had me. She was actually upset when I left for work. She normally doesn't mind as she waves bye & blows me kisses but today was different. She wanted me to sing to her again.

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be

If you like to read to your children then I recommend that you check this book out. It amazing how reading a simple little children's book can change the relationship you have with your child.....even if it is for just one morning!

Round #2

2008-08-20T10:52:00.004-04:00

Turns out that I didn't get knocked up this month. I little disappointing to say the least but also a bit relieving! I'm disappointed because I miscalculated my cycle by two days and apparently that makes a huge difference in the world of ovulation. Relieved because we've had this Adult Lake Weekend planned for weeks and being pregnant really dampens the mood especially since I'm known as "The Party Starter" and I take my job very seriously!

Our original conception plan was outlined to begin in September anyway. So I suppose we're really on track which is a good thing. Besides I've really come to love Three Olive's Cherry Vodka with a little Sprite. It's been my drink of the summer & a few more bottles is probably all I have left in me at this point.

So with my summer cherry flavored alcoholism exposed.
Let the games begin!

Round #2

MySpace Countdowns

We Celebrate all week long....

2008-08-20T10:13:00.002-04:00

Well, we're not really doing anything to "celebrate" our 3rd Anniversary tonight considering we hosted a dinner party for 2 other couples who share the same anniversary of 8/18. That dinner party turned into a ridiculously crazy after party that ended around 5am & I think we're still recovering from it. We have also planned some "adult" time at The Lake this weekend with one of the other couples and it's going to be pretty intense. It's nice to get away sometimes and reconnect with other adults and leave the kiddies behind.

I'll be happy to tell you some of the crazy stories that have yet to be made. In the mean time I'll post pics of the people who are sharing in our adult play time.

This is Jenni.....you already met her. She is CRAZY and addicted to zumba....which is what I believe she is possibly doing in this particular picture.

Here is TPG and Chris (Jenni's husband). He is absolutely the logical, sensible and "stable" partner in their marriage. Chris informed me that I was responsible for babysitting Jenni during our lake weekend. I then asked him who was responsible for babysitting ME?

In this picture we have Mark & The kid sister. Yeah...Yeah, I know she gorgeous & a blonde bombshell but I always tell her thank god she's pretty and at least one sister has to be blessed with the brains! HAHAHAHA! That is such a joke.....she is a Junior and Miami University, doing quite well and pretty much "the total package"......Barbie Doll BITCH!

And then there's ME. I still know how to have fun.....I think!

So..... Happy 3rd Anniversary Brandon. I still love you after 3 years of marriage and over 10 years of being partners in crime. I just hope we stay married after the Wet & Wild weekend I'm about to put him through!

Happy 3rd Anniversary to The Pepsi Guy!

2008-08-20T09:43:00.018-04:00

TPG & I are celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary today.

We were married at my parents lake house in Dixie Bend Retreat located just outside Burnside Kentucky. We filed for our marriage license in Pulaski County. Their application for a license actually asked if we were "next of kin"....no lie! You know because that's an important questions to ask people who choose to marry in The Common Wealth of Kentucky.

As you can see.....our wedding was made up of stories nothing short of a "Woolsie Fairy Tale"
Our wedding was documented as the first wedding ever in Dixie Bend and it was an event that really brought the drunken golf cart community together. TPG and I are still considered to have nothing sort of celebrity status amongst the locals at the retreat..... it is Kentucky you know!

Most people have a limousine awaiting the newly weds as they leave their reception. MOST PEOPLE! We however had the pleasure of exiting our Woolsie style reception on a Couch Tour. You heard me correctly.....C-O-U-C-H T-O-U-R and it f**king ROCKED! You see couch tours are not necessarily uncommon in Dixie Bend and the summer of 2005 was the year the tour was actually invented. As a surprise wedding gift to the Guru's, some dear family friends decorated their trailer and supplied their personal furnishing so our entire Bridal Party could partake in the Grand Tour together.
The fellow party goers then follow behind on what ever means of transportation available.... golf carts & 4-wheelers. It was incredible! As we toured though the narrow mostly gravel roads of Dixie Bend we started drawing a crowd as people come out of their homes to watch the druken parade. Some of them even set up lawn chairs and packed coolers just to watch as the Couch Tour passed by many times. It's been rumored that the final count of the Guru's Couch Tour that passed through Dixie Bend on August 20th 2005 exceeded over 50 well wished who followed the newly wed couple that reached over 1/4 mile long....... so they say.

There hasn't been a single trip that's gone by at The Lake that someone hasn't mention our wedding or something outrageously funny that happened at it. We've even been told by many people that it was one of those weddings that's impossible to top.

I know TPG and I had the perfect wedding....A Perfect Wedding for US! It may not be a Fairy Tale but it was our "Woolsie Fairy Tale" and we wouldn't have had it any other way.

Reserving the Shelter in Dixie Bend with a lake front view = $0
Beer, catering and wedding cake for 40 invited guest = $1500
Photography & Minister = $100
Marrying my Sweetheart & having the time of my life = PRICELESS

For the record, our reception back at home in Ohio was far more classic & traditional. We only act like hillbilly's in Kentucky!

Doing it all over again "With Class" on Daddy's Master Card = PRICELESS

*I've searched high & low for pictures of the couch tour but I think most of it's on video. Unfortunately I can not locate them at this time but will surely post them as they are found*

The Bi-annual Gaston Family Reunion.....

2008-08-15T09:55:00.009-04:00

Wow! The unthinkable has finally happened! I've already told you about the once annual but now bi-annual Gaston Family Reunion tradition and about the competitiveness that explodes amongst all members, new & old, to claim the Gaston Family Cup.

I am pleased to announce that 2008 is the year of the WOMEN!!!!

As you already know, GG won the Junior Cup back in June by beating all of the other "future" competitors with a good old fashion sucker pull. The Adults had the opportunity to reclaim their stake on the original Gaston Cup by competing in an event that test your skills of driving a Croquet ball as close to the stationary post as possible. It sounds easy enough but hence the word SOUNDS easy because it was actually quite the challenge! There were many obstacles inhibiting you to do as well as you thought you could, such as the tall grass, the post was an excruciating 20 yards away and of course the heckling crowd.

There were many close calls, including mine. In the end, Angie whom you may remember from here & here was victorious! She is the first woman in history to win The Gaston Cup! It was a victory for all woman and a new competitiveness has been born inside of all of us. Because NOW we know we CAN WIN!!!! I know Angie will do the cup proud this next reigning year by gloating and repeating that victory dance that almost broke her husbands back and I'll cheer her on the entire way. I just hope next year she's ready because I'm bigger & stronger then her and I'm not going down without a FIGHT to the death!

For the record......TPG was really lousy at the game. What a disappointment! He really needs to step up his competitive edge if he wants to make it in this family. We can't ride GG's coat tails forever you know!

Looky what I can do.....

2008-08-08T12:55:00.010-04:00

We have officially started ...... need I say it ..... POTTY TRAINING.

We've had kind of a lazy start, meaning I've been lazy about it. I'm just not ready to dedicate ALL OF MY TIME to toilet training. I'm seriously okay with the whole diaper thing ... for a few more months ....or even years! I would be totally okay with it ..... IF SHE WOULD KEEP THEM ON!

So, now I'm faced with the dilemma of letting my mini-nudest roam the house bare bottomed like some kind of feral child or buckle down and train her to use the damn pot!

So here we go .....
Countless times I've had her sitting there .... without any success. I'll step outside into the hallway and give her the much needed privacy she demands. I'll let her watch me use the bathroom and she'll cheer me on with high fives and special jumping acrobatics. Then it's GG's turn to demonstrate what she's just learned. We'll go through the motions of making the "psssst" noises, flushing, waving bye-bye to the non-existent disposal, washing our hands with our new big kid soap and finish up with an encouraging words of "Almost, maybe next time!"

She enjoys the freedom of wearing the new big girl panties we just got her. They seem to help me at least identify the so called "pee-pee dance". So we'll rush off again, time after time to the potty ....... but she still won't go. I catch her moments later, hiding in the corner & peeing her in the "Big Panyee" as GG calls them.

I decided the fun has to end! No more nonsense in the bathroom is my new policy! No more flushing invisible turds or washing hands that are not soiled. Those are privileges to be experienced by children of the potty trained stature!

Wouldn't you know ...... my no nonsense approach is working..... well, at least better then the "We'll do it your way GG" style ever did.

She said...... "I do it" and giggled the the entire time she tinkled in the toilet!!! I cheered and gave out high fives as I did the silly jumps she does for me.... and it was a good day. I'm hoping all of this "patients" will be rewarded sooner then later. I know we are a long ways off from being completely trained and that she just turned 2 a few days ago. But I have already learned a few things.

It's really creepy letting your kid watch you pee.
TPG stands up to pee and it's rather confusing to GG.
Buy more "Big Panties"
And finally ...... GG, your way SUCKS!

Does anyone out their have any great tips for a newbie trainer working with stubborn trainee girl? Besides, wine......I've heard wine is helpful to trainers every where!

Happy Birthday to .....

2008-08-07T16:02:00.006-04:00

Good Girl!
As you know her birthday was on Sunday. We had a wonderful party with more guest then we expected but all went well.

GG had no clue why everyone was gather around or why she was the center of attention ...... but she loved it anyway! The older kiddies really enjoyed the slip-n-slide but the most fun was spent playing with the sprinkler ball. She received this last year as a 1st birthday present but we never actually open it until the day of her 2nd party. Those kiddies had a blast with his silly thing trying to push, pull, roll by whatever means necessary to get the other children wet.

It's an excellent gift idea for anyone ages 1-13 or so and cost less then $15.

After the water games had ended.....by force, we settled down to eat pizza. It was quick & easy and who doesn't love a pizza birthday party. Besides, when you're this hungry..... you consider eating anything .....almost edible!

More wet water games and then we "Let Them Eat Cake".

We finally open the gifts for what seems like an eternity later. But really I opened gifts while GG cried because she wanted to play with the last 30 gifts we previously opened.

While things were winding down and the guest were leaving I noticed GG & Drew were spending a lot of time together. Mostly fighting over some great new toy or basically wanting what he other one was so intently playing with. And then it happened.....I witnessed it for myself.
He tried to slip her the tongue!

I know it may have been her 2nd Birthday and you love her because she's a good candidate for your "Future Wife" ..... BUT I've got my eye on you...... you little bastard!

My SWEETEST day.....

2008-08-07T15:39:00.003-04:00

I'm sure I've already mentioned that I'm not really the stay at home mommy type. I really enjoy leaving the house every morning and going to work, making my own money and spending it in what ever selfish way pleases me at any given time. You see if I were to stay at home, I would completely take it all for granted. I wouldn't enjoy GG as much as I should, I'd be annoyed at everything especially TPG & I would be a fat lazy slob to top it off.

Today was one of those days. These particular days are so few and far between but this morning was one of them! It was a morning I felt like I wanted to call in sick just to stay home and play dollies, or go swimming and maybe just cuddle on the couch watching her favorite cartoons. YOu see this morning GG looked me in the eyes and said "I love you Mama". It was absolutely the sweetest, most heart warming moments that I'll never forget! It brings tears to my eyes telling you now. GG is a repeater of most things, usually on command but this wasn't prompted or programmed. She simply said it on her own and to hear her words so sweetly, made me feel complete as a parent. A feeling that I may be such a Piss Poor Parent and possibly doing something right after all because she is able to show & express her love.

I know I work full time because I choose to. I just hope that all of the Stay at home Mommies really appreciate their little ones because that truly don't stay that way. I know GG is return to being that asshole child I've come to raise as my very own when I return home this evening.

I love you too GG!

I'm turning 50 today!

2008-08-01T11:15:00.004-04:00

I can hardly believe it!
50 post already!!!

Who knew I had so much shit to bitch about!!!!! Well, I'm sure those of you who know me are not impressed with my ability to talk, type or converse by any means necessary in order to have my voice heard.

So hang in there, if you're not completely bored out of your minds yet. Hopefully we'll turn 100 by the end of the summer!

Some things never change but the memories just get funnier .....

2008-08-01T09:24:00.022-04:00

A 10 year Class Reunion Story......

I know I've mentioned it several times but have yet to blog about it in detail.

Middletown High School Class of 1998 Ten Year Class Reunion

The Guru's

Often imitated. Never duplicated!

You see, I'm the type pf person who will be extremely pissed off for 2 hours and then move on to something else that's a complete waste of my time. Unlike TPG who is absolutely the biggest grudge holder I know..... besides his mother, I know he gets it honest! Just last week at his 10 year class reunion, he pointed out a girl, now a woman, and stated "I hate that bitch, she flicked a booger on me in 2nd grade & I still hate her!". I couldn't help but laugh...out loud....for several minutes. I found it to be so funny because I know he will take that memory to his grave and never forgive his 2nd grade booger flicking nemeses.

L-R: Schiavone, Brown, The Pepsi Guy, Dickhead

I myself am a Lemon-Monroe Class of '96 Alumni, which is the smaller "sister school" and a big rivalry to TPG's high school. I didn't go to my 10 year class reunion because I delivered GG on a Thursday and the gathering was on Saturday. I guess I wasn't feeling on top of game nor could I fit into my senior year prom gown! So you can probably tell I wasn't really looking forward to this particular event.

I told some friends of ours, who are on the reunion committee (see pic below "doing their own thing"), of my plans to raise a bunch of hell at the country club considering I was a "Monroe Girl". I've dated TPG every day for over 10 years. That's a very long time considering I was a sophomore in college and he was a senior in high school. During that time we've met and befriended many if each others old friends and even some past lovers. We planned to attend the event with "Dickhead" and his GF who we'll call "Katie Perry" (long story but she wanted to kiss me like 1,312 times when I met her & I just so happened to be wearing cherry chap stick.) The evening went well, the food was great, the drinks were expensive, the music was nostalgic and the conversations were ..... mostly lame. I even ran into several other LMHS alumni but our hell raising was kept to a minimal!

LMHS 1996 Alumni
Kimmguru, looking like I need to eat a sandwich & Alan G. We were actually really good friends in high school. weed = friends 4 ever, apparently)

Come to find out TPG was kind of the secret crush for most of the "popular" girls. He was kind of the bad boy, didn't give a damn, causing trouble-didn't get caught, athletic, smart hot guy. Don't get me wrong! I think TPG is very handsome & I love him dearly but to see & hear stories of "The Prom Queen" and "Cheerleading Captain" gushing over him was fucking hilarious! Apparently one dateless chic missed the fact that he was MARRIED and was trying to break his neck on the dance floor. I was LMAO as he was trying to escape her grasp to no avail. I finally decided to rescue him after his man-handling and he was more then thankful but unfortunately, his predator took a seat and watched a real woman work her man on the dance floor!

The chic with the purple bag is searching for her prey. Someone should have warned TPG!

Which one of these kids is doing their own thing? Which on of this kids is not like the other?

Dickhead & KP ended up fighting 1/2 the time but fortunately made up again in the ladies restroom. No lie, I'm pissing way another one of my 12 cherry vodka & 7ups (so he tells me) and low & behold I see feet, as in 2 pair of feet in the stall next to me! I was cracking up & trying not to piss on kick ass shoes. I couldn't wait to run out & tell KP and then I discoverd it WAS KATIE PERRY & DICKHEAD. Okay, seriously...who does that shit! I had to tell someone and since it was about the SOMEONE I wanted to tell ...... I told the chic with the sunglasses (see man-handled pic) on instead. We ended up taking a picture of their feet in the stall & blackmailing them later in the evening for more drinks at the bar we closed down. Our evening ended with a 4am skinny dip at a friends house and of course ...... another fight between DH & KP. All in all it was a great time, no one puked, we had a DD for the evening and the hangover was minimal.

Here's to you "DUE" my future Son-In-Law

2008-07-31T14:51:00.008-04:00

TPG and I are getting our new mobile phone today. I spent most of my yesterday "working" and downloading a lot of my pics from the phone to my photobook account. It was nostalgic looking back over the past 2 years of memories in GG's life. Then there was this little shit-head boy in a lot of my pics. His name is Drew and he's my future Son-In-Law. His father is TPG best friend since they were 4 years old. Those two are as "thick as thieves" someone one said and now we are raising our children together.

Drew's father we'll call "Dickhead" because he was a drunken asshole at their class reunion this past weekend, is a single father. It's hard to be a single parent these days & Dickhead doing well, as well as can be expected! We spend a lot of time with them and GG & Drew are big buddies. In the past few weeks Drew has been fascinated with showing everyone his wiener. GG is no exception but when she saw his little mini she gave him a very disappointed "raspberry" and continued on playing. It was hysterical....but I know one day she may actually be giving that thing "raspberries". I always mess with the children's fathers but telling them that one day "those two are going to have sex". For some reason, it's just not as funny to then as it is to me!

So here's a few of the photo's of Drew & GG. One day we'll all look back & I'll say...... "I told you my she was going to marry a dickhead"!

And finally, here is The Pepsi Guy and Dickhead. Still together after 24 years!

(L-Thick, R-Thief)

WARNING.....NC-17 regarding Tinker Bell

2008-07-31T13:17:00.017-04:00

This post is not going to be pretty. I am completely infuriated and I can't type these words fast enough!

*deep breath*

GG is turning 2 years old on Sunday. I know this isn't a big deal to most people but to us...it kind of is! She is my only child and I give her the world! We have planned to have her birthday party on Sunday. Mostly because of other unavoidable arranged, out of town plans for Saturday but also because it's actually on her birthday. Last years party was completely ridiculous! There must have been 50 people or more and 25 of them were under the age of six and 99% were family. We still had a great time even though the temperature nearly peeked 100 degrees. This year I decided to go about things differently. The list if invites has been drastically reduced but unfortunately, the cost has still remained the same.

Our 2nd birthday party theme is that of "Stink Bell" as GG would say. She is starting to get into the whole Tinker Bell thing which makes me very happy because I hate the damn Disney Princesses! We orderd the decorations from here, made "fairy dust" for the girls and got the boys pirate eye patches as little handouts, made tink & jolly roger name badges for everyone and I even handmade the party invitations, which were the CUTEST (fairy dust included). While on my GF's Get-Away to Chicago, I got GG & I matching Mommy & me Tinker Bell shirts to wear for this party. You could say that I've put some time & effort into this party. Don't get me wrong, it's been fun, I like to do this sort of thing and of course I've been getting paid too. That's because every thing has planned, printed, ordered and mailed at what most people would call "work". As I already mentioned, the party list has been drastically cut. It's almost like a red carpet event of the "Who's Who" in GG's world. So if you got the invite then you must have been pretty special considering a few people have already commented to TPG about not receiving theirs in the mail! This comes to the reason as to why I am completely PISSED!

We mailed out 16 invitations, which included three sets of grandparents and on set of great-grandparents. Breaking it down to more realistic numbers ......6 kids from TPG's side of the family and 5 kids from my side. There was also one mutual friend which is also GG's future husband ...... "Due"as she call him.

GG & Drew Halloween 2007

So can you guess how many of the invites are actually coming? Let me narrow it down for you ...... ZERO from The Pepsi Guy's family besides he's parents which are totally "Rock On", Great Grandma Daisy and "Badd" his brother. Everyone from my side is attending with the exception of 3 kids (siblings) whom called the day of invite arrived in the mail to tell is they couldn't make it, but also asked that if Tinker Bell came to blow her a kiss. I mean seriously...... Mr. BIGWOOD himself is actually attending and I haven't deliberately spoken to him since..... a really long time, at least it seems like that!

I'm not saying my family is so great & perfect..... lord knows they can be a bunch of assholes too..... sometimes....okay just Nicholas......SERIOUSLY JUST NICHOLAS! TPG is one of two boys and my in-laws are wonderful, truly wonderful people who are always there for us & especially GG. But TPG is seriously pissed about the rest of his family. Do you know that in the past year we went to 6 different birthday parties and spent well over $200 in gifts? That's 6 parties = 6 wasted Saturdays and $200 = wasted. Don't get me wrong, it's not about the gifts at all, it's not like she's hurting for toy. We're talking about an only child who has a complete & fully stocked PLAY ROOM for F**KS SAKE!

Christmas 2007

The point being made is .... we always go to the "OTHER" parties because we are invited and feel obligated because we know we'll have a party too. But guess what......don't waste your money on postage to the Guru's House. If we receive another party invitation for ANYTHING ..... I'm seriously hoping it burst into flames.....or better yet, I'll light it on fire mydamnself! So with all the money we're going to be saving boycotting birthday parties....... I'm thinking a Disney Cruise for GG's BIG ...... 3!

I bet they FORGOT they nominated our house for Thanksgiving diner.....AGAIN. Maybe I'll conveniently forget to invite them!

Bunch of assholes ..... fuck you and your invites.

Who wears the pants around here .....

2008-07-29T10:02:00.017-04:00

They may be slightly larger and longer but they are definitely MY PANTS!!!!
* I can only say this because TPG doesn't read my blog*

Isn't it fun to play the game with your significant other ..... you know the game where "they think their making all the decisions but you conscientiously PERSUADE them to your way of thinking & they don't even know it"? We just recently started playing this game because the other game of "let me ask your opinion and then ultimately choose the opposite of what you said" got old & he finally caught on!

As you already know, we had a little mishap regarding GG trying to give our love seat a "perm". (thanks Malea). The few days prior to the purchase of new furniture, TPG had began to show of obvious signs of OCD. I began to notice how he could no longer pass the tarnished furnishing without stopping to take a closer look, reminding GG that what she had done wasn't nice and how now it's very ugly. I had to put an end to his misery when GG began to pick up his newest traits. I think her theatrical performance of "Oh no Ma'ma look. Nasty! UGLY! I did it!" was some what rehearsed but well worth his time.

Our Elder Beerman shopping experience was nothing short of hysterical. We briefly searched a few other locations but ended up with a final purchase of a brand spanking new living room suit from Value City Furniture. However they should seriously consider a name change to "City Furniture" because the Value as in PRICE wasn't any better then most places. We were drawn in by the larger selection and 1/2 price clearance signs in the window (so he thinks) but as you know we were headed there all along (because I said so). It was so wonderful to see TPG and GG hand in hand walking down every isle and testing out their potential purchase. GG ran from sofa to sofa bouncing from chair to love seat "testing the durability" I told the salesman, wearing herself out for a nap I secretly hoped.

TPG had his heart set & mind made up on a on a new sectional and love seat combo in the light tan, excuse me "Cobblestone" color. Even though we found several items we really loved, very few of them would have actually worked in the awkward space of the living room. However, I secretly persuaded him to look at the 3 piece suit I fell in love with immediately. He wasn't quite sold at first but we ended up purchasing "MY" choice in "Sage" to say the least. It has a pretty awesome corduroy microfiber textile. I'm not a fan of the traditional microfiber look because it shows EVERY SINGLE STAIN. In good measure, we also purchased the 7 year scotch guard warranty ...... which actually does cover "Couch Perming" because I definitely asked and believe it or not "Piss". Human or Animal bodily secretions are completely covered for 7 years. No questions asked....because sometime it's better if you just don't ask questions! The warranty is well worth the money spent because GG is more naked then ever with our potty training adventures and she has a lot of child-size orphases that bodily secretions seep out of! So I have at LEAST 7 years to get her potty trained and the other leaks fixed ..... SWEET!

Our new living room suit is being delivered on Thursday. Considering it's one of few real adult NEW furniture purchase, we went all out with the home delivery & warranty crap. We're such armatures!

So here it is, pictured without the love seat and a glass coffee table that we didn't purchase. We went for a more kid friendly one instead.

So, Thank You GG for ruining our other furniture. I just wanted to let you know that one day you'll be able to take our new living room suit off to college with you ...... since we used most of your savings to pay for it! Just kidding! We told her that in hopes that she wouldn't ruin it ....at least right away ..... but she just stared at us blankly while picking her nose. It's must have been quite the winner too!!!

Making & Proving a point .....

2008-07-25T16:55:00.004-04:00

My point is.....

Good Girl likes to poop in all places other then her diaper. I intend to document our potty training adventures on this blog and I'm already discouraging myself from my very own postings, posts from today, at that!

I didn't even tell you she's a TUB POOPER! The funny thing is ..... she'll act like it's not hers or she didn't do it. GG will run to far corner of the tub and stand on one foot screaming "Oh No". Please take note as to how she rescued the small "creatures" from the contaminated water but left "My Pooper Scooper"

Lets' the good times roll!

I forgot to mention....

2008-07-25T11:56:00.001-04:00

It took seven (7) hair washings with a final rinse of Dawn to get the Vicks mess out of GG's hair. Unfortunately, the love seat wasn't as lucky.

This post is completely random .....

2008-07-25T11:00:00.012-04:00

GG has been showing signs that she is ready to start toilet training. I have really tried to put off the whole "potty training" game with her because of our bathroom situation. Now, it looks like I have no choice in the matter! She will be having her 2nd birthday on August 3rd and many people tell me it's okay to start playing with the idea if she is "mature" enough. I think that's funny .... a "mature 2 yr. old". Last night she was "playing" in the playroom when she decided to remove her diaper and proceed to poop on the floor. Because she is so kind she decided to yell "Ma'ma come wook" I stalled a few moments before walking into my wonderful surprise. GG looks at me and says "So nasty, clean it". I couldn't help but laugh because it was pretty damn funny. That is until I had to clean it.

Now this isn't the first time we've had this issue. Just last week, when I came home from work, TPG was "napping" on the couch ..... which he does a lot. He claims that GG was "napping" next to him and must have awaken with him noticing. In all of her unsupervised glory, she removed her diaper and pooped once again in her playroom, except this time smearing it all over the glass window to the door. It was an easy clean up but still very nasty & very stinky. When I found my poop covered & smeared baby she was sitting naked in her hair chair and sniffing her pooped stained fingers repeating "nasty....stinky....nasty" over & over again. It was as though she was traumatized by her smearing event, which may be why it only happened the one time.

With perfect timing to my stressful situation, Sweetened*Taters posted these potty training tips for those of us about to begin our journey.

Does anyone else have any helpful tips that may have worked for you? Wish us luck, sounds like we're going to need it!

On another final note.

This is what happens when Ma'ma is away and TPG is "napping" on the couch.

Like I said, it happens a lot.

This is GG after she found a jar Vicks Medicated Vapor Rub from a location that I was unaware it had been stored. Amazed that she actually got the lid off, she decided to try this rub out as a new hair styling product. Apparently, it was too "nasty" on her fingers so she decided to wipe the mess all over the microfiber love seat & coffee table ...... because they were conveniently close. She walked around for a few hours sniffing her newly opened sinuses and convincingly claimed"mmm good" as if she were really enjoying the mentholyptus smell that she couldn't escape.

We're now looking to investing in a new living room suit. TPG had me looking at Elder Beermans furniture department this week because they were having a "Big Sale". I laughed the entire time thinking I could pay off my student loans with these prices. I, of all people, was encouraging him to shop at Value City or even Big Lots in search of new furniture .......just hoping that it might last long enough to pass my bill in Congress allowing parents to "beat your children and not be punished by law if you have documented proof" (see above).

Armageddon ...already!

2008-07-25T10:10:00.011-04:00

Is the world coming to an end? I must have started recycling just a little to late! Or better yet, Hell must have frozen over.......

because

Our Bathroom Remodel is Complete!!!!

GG & I were more then pleased to try out our new lavatory for the first time in WEEKS. I'll save showing you the pictures of me actually enjoying a nice long, hot bubble bath and then the shaving of the legs ceremony, which was long overdue. We are very pleased with the work Skinny has done and we look forward to working on more home improvement projects with him and Polly. Just to show you that he really exist and actually does work and the magical bathroom fairy didn't contract out this job.

Here is Skinny hard at it! I have come to the conclusion that he must have been "drinking" on the job because I have visual proof he is praying to the porcelain god.

do you see why we call him that

Finally, because I know how much pleasure she got out of her 1hr 15min. "swimfest" we'll call a bath, last night. I've decided to share her shear enjoyment with you!
Also, because it was just so darn cute hearing her repeat "Dood dob Dake" ( Good Job Jake) while rubbing a wash cloth across her bare bottom.

Going Green'ish for some Green Backs.....

2008-07-24T10:44:00.011-04:00

I have the hardest time with saying I'm going to do something & then actually following thought with real action. I believe that's why I truly am a "Procrastinating Perfectionist".

Since I stared blogging again, I've been reading a lot of blogs written by stay at home moms. I am also completely convinced that all bloggers fall under this category, with me as the exception. This is only because I blog while I'm at "work" and they pay me to do so....they just don't know it. A lot of the blogs I read are about surviving on a single income and making the most of the money they do have. I have started to take interest in this subject even thought we are not limited to a single income, but one day I may consider it. You see I like to work, use my brain, talk to people and have a productive adult life outside the home. I never pictured myself as the Stay-At-Home type. I mean I paid/still paying a lot of money for a college education and to think that it's all wasted money kind of bothers me.... but that's a personal opinion.

I decided to start changing the way I do things. Small changes of course. Some of these things actually make no sense to me right now but I hope in the long run I can see a difference with positive results. A few of my first resolves are listed below with detailed steps in how I plan to achieve them.

Clipping Coupons - TPG does 100% of our grocery shopping and 99% of our cooking, and we eat at home A LOT! He actually despises taking GG & I to the grocery store with him because our bill almost doubles and we buy a lot of things that go unused or simply wasted. Today I subscribed to our local paper in order to get the Sunday advertisements and as long as I save $25 in the next 13 weeks, it was a pretty good idea. I plan to clip coupons for the items we already shop for at the local stores we already shop at. I know TPG doesn't want to be bothered with the task of coupons at the grocery so I'm planning on helping him by creating my famous "list" before going and sticking to it while we're there. I think we can really save a lot a money in trying something new like this.

Free Grabber - I found this website on another blog and it instantly "grabbed" my attention. What a great way to get coupons and try new products for free. I've already signed up to get many free samples and you get to pick only the ones you're really interested in. I'll keep you posted on how this goes but you really should check it out for yourself.

Save My Money - The only reason I truly have to work full time is because......I can't believe I'm actually saying it...... OUT LOUD ....... but I addicted to spend money. TPG and I still operate on separate bank accounts. Mostly because of this reason and how I feel that as long as I work that I should be in charge of my own finances. Now don't get me wrong, we do have several joint accounts that we both contribute funds that pay our household expenses. I used to call this "fun money" but I recently renamed it "the pot we both piss in". TPG is amazing with his his money and for that I am so thankful! It's just something I don't even have to worry about and it's a good feeling. That's how we compliment each other and never fight over money. He covers a large part of household expenses and I cover mine & GG's expenses. That kid cost me a fortune for the record. I know I could do better at pissing more into my personal pot and I'm challenging myself to do this.

Going Green...or at least "Green'ish" - Going Green is such a commitment! I want to start doing a few easy things like recycling. We have a lot soda cans because.....well come on....... I am married to The Pepsi Guy and all, so disposing of my cans properly while making a nickel or two sounds like a win-win for everyone. I also think recycling the newspaper I just subscribed to would be a good idea. I can already hear him bitching about the paper laying all over the house after I clip the coupons & GG gets a hold of it!

Do my readers have any helpful but most importantly EASY suggestions on saving money and going green'ish that you'd like to share?

Cash in the attic.....

2008-07-24T09:58:00.008-04:00

Apparently there is a show on HGTV called Cash in the Attic. It's safe to say that I recently had my very own non-televised experience with this concept. Where are the reality tv cameras and show producers when I need them!

I have often tried to get TPG to follow me around with our handy cam, you know to film random moments and experiences of my day. He's not really on board with that idea just yet!

Back to my story!

While we were having our garage sale this past weekend, TPG and Skinny decided it was a great opportunity to clean out our shed. This shed has acquired our junk since the day we moved into our house and it has never even been cleaned out......some 3 years later. It's a long story but the previous homeowners (now deceased) were quite the woodworkers and collectors of many thing. Mostly junk but there were a lot of neat tools and gadgets dated 4 decades or more. These treasures were left there for us when we became the new home owners. I've always tried to think of the shed as some sort of strange "house warming" gift from "The Old Man" as we often refer to the previous dead owner.

One of the treasures found during the cleaning of the shed was this really old chair. Skinny & Polly thought it may have some value to it but were unsure of what it was worth. It just looked old but still in really great structural shape. So, we put it in the garage sale at $50. Several people looked at the "high priced" item but there wasn't any real interest. We then decided to swap put the $50 price tag and replaced it with a "make offer" tag and still.......no takers.

I decided to do a little research on this particular chair to get a better idea of it's value. Who knows....we could have just been "sitting" on some junk. This is the information I found out after taking just a few pictures and posting them on this website for a free appraisal. Needless to say, I was more then pleased with what they had to say.

Here is my "Old Chair Found in Shed"

Can you believe it's from the 1850's-1860's and valued at nearly $100 in as is condition? It's really neat knowing that I have something so old in my possession that I didn't even know we had. We haven't really decided on what to do with our new treasure. I really think we're leaning towards selling it. We're most likely not going to restore the chair because that's rather expensive & time consuming. I think I would rather offer the chair to someone who would appreciate it's beauty far more then I ever could.

Any suggestion?

I really do.....

2008-07-23T15:26:00.004-04:00

Have a ton of things to tell you. Unfortunately I'm off to the dentist....again.

I've already paid him all that money, so I talked him into bleaching my teeth too. Not for free but at a great 75% discount! So....once again, The Dentist is FUN!!!! Besides, I have to get me teeth pearly white before I get "Knocked Up" again.....or else I really might just turn into a Woolsie!

Let the count down BEGIN .....

2008-07-23T14:22:00.008-04:00

Baby making season is just around the corner.

Consider this your Public Service Announcement.

I may have mentioned in an earlier post how the time has now come for the Guru's to spread our evil seed and once again reproduce. Yeah, as if GG wasn't enough evil offspring for this world.....we have chosen to offer you ..... yet another.

The Pepsi Guy & I have recently become aware that not every one plans out the pregnancies using such tools available like ovulation calendars, the internet or what ever else people plan with. You mean to tell me that people just get pregnant with out even trying.... or planning?!?!?! Okay, that's a joke but the reaction to planning such an event is often the same.

I like to make list, follow schedules, be prepared and these things alone take up a large part of my day but most importantly, they make happy. I'm also 30 now & I've waited long enough to do the family thing and I'm less likely to stall longer if I "add it to my list".

While we planned our pregnancy with GG, we used the ovulation calendar and experienced conception our first month of trying. We planned almost exactly when we wanted to have a baby & then she popped out & we were prepared because we planned. TPG & I both felt strongly about waiting until she was 2 yrs. old before we planned for a second child. Now, because GG can be and usually is such an asshole, I have reconsidered this thought many times. It just so happens to be that I am extremely fertile the weekend of her birthday, which is only days away. We have come to the conclusion that #2 has to be laid back and mellow or else it will be the death of me...... or God really hates me for having more children because one on them will probably be a theorist or something.

TPG & I have a wedding to attend on Saturday evening with an Open Bar. Apparently, alcohol also helps lower your inhibitions while at the same time increasing fertility..... so I've heard.

MySpace Countdowns

Hi....I'm Kim..... and I am a WOOLSIE!

2008-07-23T14:05:00.004-04:00

Yes, I'm admitting it...... I am such a WOOLSIE!

I finally had my Garage Sale this weekend and I must say it went rather well! $466 Well! That was almost equally divided between Polly & I. Most of the business was done on Saturday prior to noon but we still had fun just hanging out and chatting. That was until Sunday rolled around and we ran of of things to "chat" about, so we closed up early. I really don't have any outrageously funny stories to share about the garage sale experience from this year EXCEPT that we decided to have a final blowout sale this Saturday .... and Saturday only. We're calling it the blow out sell because we're probably going to be giving crap away by the end of the day! Just so we don't have to pack it up & bring it back in the house/garage.

I know $466 wasn't a huge amount of earnings considering how much time & effort I put into this thing. But you have to admit it was a hell of a lot more then I made at The Big Event held earlier this year!!!!

Damn You.....The Dentist!

2008-07-17T12:00:00.004-04:00

So I am off to the dentist this afternoon for the 2nd time in the past week. Except today's visit is far more enduring & painful.....did I mention PAINFUL. At least that's what I'm assuming!

Here's my complete dental history....in a nutshell.

I am the only one of four children who didn't have thousands & thousands of dollars in orthodontic procedures. My teeth have always been very healthy & very strong. I didn't even have a cavity until I was 23 yrs old. Then at the age of 25, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. I had to sign a consent form prior to oral surgery that stated I wouldn't try to claim restitution on the the tooth they chipped during my procedure and conveniently forgot to MENTION! I had to have the chipped repaired a few weeks later, at my expense. Even after this experience I still love going to the dentist. I'm a regular, you know the 6 months on the dot for my bi-annual cleaning type of person. I suppose I enjoyed my visits because I've had wonderful experiences with past "perfect" checkups ..... for years.

That is.....until last week!

That wisdom tooth repair, in the form of a filling that I just told you about ....... well it decided to fall out. Without warning, it was gone. I'm not really sure when I actually lost it but when I realized it was gone, I called to have it repaired. At my initial visit I was told that during my pregnancy with GG, I must have suffered from a common calcium deficiency. This supposed deficiency happens to a lot of expecting woman but the sign aren't apparent until later.....you know....2 YEARS LATER. The teeth of the mother are usually weakened by the deficiency and there are procedures that can be done to prevent any future problems such as decay or even breakage. He claimed that I needed to have my work done BEFORE I plan my next pregnancy. In case I forgot to mention ..... TPG & I are ovulating in two weeks and beginning the ridiculous journey of creating more offspring to add to the Guru clan. So, today I am headed back to the dentist to have some rather expensive "preventative" work done to four of my teeth at one thousand dollars a tooth! Yes, you read that correctly $4000 dollars! I don't even have a F**KING cavity! I am slightly irritated at the whole thing and actually tried to hit my parents up with the guilt trip of how "inexpensive" I was during my adolescences compared to my siblings. They laughed uncontrollably and then promised to make it up in their will. As TPG explained to me so kindly, He would rather dish out the money for my teeth now then spend it later on a trailer down by the river for his toothless, barefoot, pregnant wife....who might be is cousin...... or sister.

I however would rather spend the $4K on new boobies, I mean at least people could see them. Besides, who looks at a chics mouth these days anyway!

Imagine that.....

2008-07-17T11:51:00.002-04:00

Some days I actually find it hard to be funny. Okay......well this is not exactly true. I am actually a very humorous person who finds it hard to find the time to write my blog. I've been so busy lately that even thinking about the past few days is exhausting.

Here's my list:

making more list of things to do (you know, I like to do that!)
cleaning garage & house for upcoming/rescheduled garage sale
work.....yes.....at my job like they pay me to do!
birthday party planning
baby doll shopping
dentist....more then once

So just when I think I have nothing funny to tell you.....I make a list and everything else just comes to me.

Who knew I lived so dangerously.....

2008-07-11T09:10:00.004-04:00

Seriously, I'm afraid for my life!

This whole Extreme Makeover Home Edition volunteer thing has jeopardize my safety & the safely of my family. Well, that may be a stretch but it's starting to feel that way!

I may have seen the show 2-3 times tops but apparently it's kind of a big deal. TPG & I have had random & rather strange request to almost strangers in order to get them into the job site. I reached the max on the creepy meter when the unwed mother offered to sacrifice her first born bastard child for a back stage pass.

Apparently, it has to do with the shows host, Ty Pennington. I guess he's supposed to be incredibly good looking and a very desirable catch. So I started to do some research & you'll never believe what I found!

Eat your heart out ladies!

I probably forgot to mention that Ty was an old prom date of mine back in the 90's. That's why I'm not real excited to see him again. You know, after that messy break up & restraining order....things got pretty creepy. I am glad he's doing better now.

Welcome to the Tri-State!

2008-07-11T08:08:00.006-04:00

Extreme Makeover Home Edition has come to town. It's actually very exciting and so well deserved to the family that they're helping out. I believe they were the highest nominated family in the shows history with well over 25,000 nominations.

The media coverage on this event is completely insane. Every local source is covering the event 24/7. The over pouring number of volunteers has reached their maximum capacity and it's impossible to let every one help who wants to help! It's an incredible feeling to know there are so many local people willing to help out a family in need but hopefully it's not just for some tv time. Their help shouldn't end with the final "Move That Bus" and hopefully something great will happen for the entire community when the project is complete!

I have the Very Rare and Very Limited opportunity to actually volunteer & work on the job site. I didn't realize what a big deal this opportunity was until my email & cell phone started to blow up just moments after I told my MOM!

Here are the details:

My company, particularly my store has donated the heavy construction equipment being used on the job site to demolish the home, dig the new foundation & relocate the swimming pool. My Salesmen have been working feverishly with contractors & producers to ensure this process goes quickly, smoothly and most importantly safely! For "our" generous contribution to the "Extreme Makeover" project, we have been offered to go back stage and contribute our volunteer services.
At first I wasn't going to participate! I have no real desire to fight the crowd and particularly "work" on my beautiful Saturday morning. I also found out the no one else was planning on attending this event to volunteer, which I didn't blame them either. Then , my guilt started to set in! Remember when I told you about Skinny remodeling my bathroom? Turns out, his wife "Polly" is probably the shows biggest fan....NO LIE! She went online to volunteer moments after it was announced the show would be coming to the Tri-State area. Because of the overwhelming online volunteer responses, unfortunately, she didn't hear back from the producers. That wasn't going to stop her for long. You see, she is a school teacher & I'm sure you noticed.....It's Summer Time!!!! Her schedule is very permitting to do just about anything she wants and she WANTED to spend the next week as a volunteer!

It would be very easy for me to say that "Polly" is by far my biggest "tree hugging, save the planet" friend. She is always talking about making her "carbon footprint on the planet" and she makes me want to "reduce, reuse & recycle". So, how could I turn down the opportunity to really help her do something that she & Skinny were so passionate about? The answer.... I couldn't! When I asked her if you wanted to volunteer with me on Saturday her first reply was "Sure....that are we doing". She didn't even know what she had just volunteered for & it could have been cleaning port-a-johns......... but she was on board. It was at that moment that I knew I made the right decision, because she was such a good person! When I told her it was for "EMHE" she was practically speechless. So now I find myself waking up at 6am Saturday morning to go work my butt off with these two "Make the World a Better Place" friends of ours and you know what..... It feels pretty damn good!

My Salesmen have told me the atmosphere and comradely on the job site is completely indescribable. Everyone is willing to help do & contribute "whatever it takes" to get this job done. I'm telling you now. ...... if some happy ass, just pulled an all nighter volunteer tries to hug me & sing kum by ya my lord by a campfire......I'm packing up my paint brush & headed to the nearest Starbucks to hide in the bathroom stall while sipping my Chai Tea Latte.

Some people just need their privacy.....

2008-07-03T14:41:00.014-04:00

Remember that tiny bathroom shower I told you about? Well, we are still confined to using it for another week or two. I have found some enlightening things about myself, GG & TPG and our ability to adapt to our environment. I'm not saying that if you through us out in the wilderness that we would actually survive.....even though we do watch Survivor Man.......sometimes.

Here's what I have learned.

It's possible to shower every OTHER day and not smell like a wild boar.
Although he may look rather small, TPG can not fit easily into confined spaces. Especially if those confined spaces require him to touch his toes or wash is bottom.
I can go longer then 2 days without shaving my legs! It's still not pretty.
GG enjoys the freedom of showering alone.....Very Alone.....without any adult supervision while she sings!

I may have been a little to encouraging for my nearly 2yr old daughter to shower by herself. Now, I just completely taking advantage of it! It gives me the 20 minutes of "ME" time that i really need. You know...."Leave ME the hell alone" time. I enjoy laying on my bed patiently waiting for her to finish up whatever she needs to do in there, which is usually a lot of splashing, collecting buckets of water & mostly singing. Neither TPG nor I sing in the shower but it's something she does every time ...... we enjoy listening to the silly songs she makes up. My personal favorites are "No Nana No" or "Go Maggie Go". Apparently her Nana is being bad & the dog is in her way, tough life I know!

Here is a picture of GG, alone in her shower play time.

Please take note of our very tiny watering hole but disregard the yucky scum on the tile!

And here is GG after she realized I was invading her privacy!

Let me tell you.....She was PISSED!!!! Notice how she is trying to close the door in my face as she whines out a "NNNOOOOOO"?

I'll be expecting a visit from a Children's Services very soon.....possibly Monday. After this post, I realize I may violating a few law regarding a child's safety. You know the one that are no biggie like unsupervised water play, unhealthy living conditions (soap scum), naked baby pictures on the internet.

Will any of you.....may faithful 3 readers bring me cigarettes & ramon noodle during my stint in jail?

Welcome to Dixie Bend.....

2008-07-02T13:37:00.011-04:00

My parents have a lake house just outside Burnside, Kentucky on Lake Cumberland. For many years we have spent the summers enjoying all of the fine amenities of Dixie Bend Retreat, which is where our family place is. TPG and I were married in Dixie Bend, GG was most likely conceived in DB and I have many other fond memories from "The Lake".

I also have some not so fond memories.

"The Lake" is in Pulaski County, Kentucky. This particular county and most surrounding lake counties are what they call "DRY" counties......which basically means you can not buy, sell or serve alcohol because it illegal...... you know like Prohibition! So there is the basic rule to bring in your own "adult beverages", just don't get caught! There is also the rule that if you brought it in.....then it must be consumed before you leave! Here is where the problem usually begins. My father is employed by The Miller Brewery Company. Miller Beer is one thing that is a constant in my family, especially during the summer months. Dixie Bend is what most would assume a "drinking community". It's that simple.....you boat during the day, golf cart cruise during evening, bonfire after parties....all while drinking.....the whole time. Someone is bound to be the drunk of the weekend & it's usually someone new every weekend! Everyone has been there & shared the same song ...... usually it's Billy Joel's "Piano Man".

You know when you're designated the weekend drunk when you hear "This is for your safety & most importantly the safety of those around you". Then you are presented with this gift......

The Super Dave Safety Helmet!

Seriously folks......you can't make this shit up if you tried! Yes, that is a picture of me wearing the "Super Dave" helmet while my younger brother Nicholas punches me in the head. I'll admit that's not one of my proudest moments but it's still DAMN FUNNY!

As we head down to The Lake this weekend to celebrate our Independence......I solemnly pledge to not be asked to wear the helmet. However, I do pledge to make that silly Mother F**ker punching me in the head righteously earn the title of "The Weekend Drunk".

Details & pics to follow.

On the record.......

2008-07-02T13:25:00.004-04:00

The sole purpose of this blog is not to degrade or bash any member of my family especially Mr. BIGWOOD. I know that with my last few post it may seem as if that is my intention but it truly isn't! However, I am still extremely pissed at him & feel as though I can say what ever the hell I want!

The Gaston Jr. Cup.....

2008-07-02T11:10:00.012-04:00

This is a post about the competitiveness that runs through my blood ......The Blood of Gaston's!

Every year my family has a tradition honored at our Gaston Family Reunion. The tradition of "The Gaston Cup". Just saying it out loud gives my entire body the feelings of rushed adrenaline, similar to chugging about 8 red bulls and then asked to sit quietly during a church sermon.

This trophy is really nothing fancy to look at. The home made construction of 2x4 wooden planks and the spray painted golden cup is quite humble to say the least BUT the absolute power it brings to the WINNER is indescribable! The cup is somewhat of a traveling trophy. The rightful holder of the cup has the unspoken obligation to bring it to any & all family functions in order to smear it in the faces of the many losers. It's a very arrogant, boisterous and almost obnoxious task for the holder but it's one that comes easily. I've heard the trophy comes with Superman like powers with feelings of being indestructible. This is strictly "hear-say" because I have never personally won this trophy.

The Gaston Family Reunions are always a lot of fun and it was decided by the "seniors" that one gathering a year just simply wasn't enough. 2008 is the beginning of Semi-Annual Gaston Family Reunion. So now with a newly schedule reunion in June and our typical reunion in August , I guess you could say we'll have twice the fun. At least that can be said for most of us!

The Gaston Cup has always been awarded during the August reunion by excelling in a challenge that is suitable to most of the participants. One of the Male family members usually win and we're fine with that. With the newly scheduled June reunion, it just wasn't fair that the winner in June only enjoy the trophy for a few summer months and then pass it on again in August. So a new breed of competitive offspring were born! "The Gaston Junior Cup". Same rules apply but you have to be under he age of 10 to participate & it's won in June. Wouldn't you know..... one old fashion sucker pull later (colored tip)......and winning by default (she was last to go)........Good Girl was VICTORIOUS!!!!!

GG is now the proud owner a The Gaston Jr. Cup, well at least for the entire next year. She was actually more excited to get the sucker then the trophy....which is a much smaller version of the original one.

Wouldn't you know Mr. BIGWOOD wasn't happy that his Little Bigwood didn't win by pulling the winning crappy brown sucker. His jealousy and spite was clearly displayed the rest of the gathering and The Guru's were just as proud of our Little Guru even if she did win by DEFAULT....because who wants to eat the crappy brown sucker anyway!!!! But you know what.....she ate it ANYWAY!

Here is GG after the reunion celebrating with her Gaston Jr. Cup Trophy. Notice she's holding up the #1 finger.....which quickly ended up in her nose just moments later.

I later found out TPG sent this pic in a text message to Mr. Bigwood with the song "We are the Champion's" by Queen attached. It's no wonder we're not on speaking terms!

I see you......

2008-07-02T10:58:00.004-04:00

Lurking my page!!!! Believe me I'm just tickled to know that I'm actually getting a following outside the Cincinnati-Dayton Corridor.

So, if you live out west .....near Colorado, I'd like to know who you are! But only if you're NOT my asshole brother Mr. BIGWOOD. We're still not speaking but it's very unfortunate & highly unlikely they would have moved in the last 10 days & I not know about it!

I've been getting several hits...okay ALOT of hits in your area and I'm calling you out!

This should not come as a surprise.....

2008-07-01T10:13:00.007-04:00

but I have a brother who is kind of an asshole. I could dedicate an entire blog site to him and all of his super shitty antics including the ones he has done to me. Like this...... and this..... but more recently his behavior has become intolerable to me & I have chosen to emancipate myself from him.

Mr. BIGWOOD has established some what of a hothead, bad attitude, quick to become enraged and always overact..... type of repetition. I can see how some of these things can become unavoidable at times but EVERY TIME has become to much for me. I am no longer on speaking terms with Mr. BIGWOOD and we are now continuing our silence into week #2. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining of the much needed break from the negatively that he brings to my life. I simply feel that I have been his verbal punching bag for too long and now it's time that he face the consequences for his unacceptable behavior.

The funniest thing about all of this feud is the fact that both of us are very stubborn and too proud to break the silence! I can see this lasting a very long time which is perfectly fine by me....... *asshole*

So have any of you experience the same type of sibling rivalry? I'm curious as to how you solved the problems or at least recognized your differences.

I feel as though I've neglected you.....

2008-07-01T10:01:00.003-04:00

That's typically how I do things. I'll start by wooing you over with my charming demeanor, you realize that I'm smart & funny ....... and then you're hooked on me....... like I'm hooked on Intervention! However, I feel as though I've disappointed you with MY NEGLECT. I'm rather intimidated by the fact that I'm actually getting some what of a following of readers in the blogging nation and I FREEZE up under the pressure! Well, there's that & the fact that I've been extremely busy living life..... or what I like to call "collecting blogging material". I have several stories to share with you ..... so hang on to the seat of your pants because you'll need something to do with your hands besides pick you nose as I completely bore you!

I've been returned ....against my WILL!!!!

2008-06-25T09:02:00.013-04:00

It's unfortunate that I'm writing this post because that means I have officially returned from my Girlfriends trip to Chicago. Please understand that I've actually been home for days now but I have "officially" checked back into reality!

You should be pleased to know that TPG and GG have successfully survived 4 days without me. Any longer and I may have been writing a much different post! When I say survived......well that's basically what they did...... it wasn't pretty. TPG has shown much appreciation and gratitude towards my role as the primary care giver and the two of them were relieved and grateful that I did actually return home and not become one of those "Mommy went out for a pack of cigarettes in 1982" stories.

Our Girlfriend's weekend was wonderful! We laughed, we cried.......... we laughed so hard we cried while creating many outrageously funny stories to share and cherish the rest of lives.

The whole Girlfriends thing started years & years ago when my Grandmother Joan & her only sister Judy started taking weekend long trips with their girlfriends. They shared these trips for years & I even remember their trips from my early childhood. My Grandmother passed away 7 years ago and there haven't been any trips since then. My Great Aunt Judy is the only surviving member of the original Girlfriends. I was honored and pleased to be apart of the next generation of the tradition my family & close friends have shared for over 4 decades.

Here are a few of the adventures we shared on our 2008 Girlfriends in Chicago!

L to R : Kimmguru, Billie Elaine (my Mom), Angie (my Aunt, her sister), Judy (my Great Aunt, their Aunt)

This is one of my favorite pictures of our Chicago Adventure. We took an evening horse drawn carriage ride through the city and it really was amazing.

We shopped for days & then some how shopped more! I am actually a SHOPPER & I completely shopped myself out! There's really a lot more to do in this city then just The Magnificent Mile .... we only failed to see past sale racks and the sticker shock that we just don't really have in my small Ohio town. We spent one morning in the salon getting very expensive manicures..... because manicures are what Girlfriends do.

My husband The Pepsi Guy.....should be so proud!

There comes a point when you know YOU probably had too many Margaritas, especially when their at about $12 a piece.... and you quit counting. The delightful pleasure of the tequila & salty lime goodness was a pure indulgence that I simply couldn't deny myself any longer. Here is what Chicago was like ...... a little inebriated!

We have already planned the destination for our next Girlfriends Getaway! Amish Country ......... Here we come! I have a feeling I'll be bringing my own bottle for that trip!

It's all about Meme!

2008-06-18T11:31:00.004-04:00

I don't particularly care to take these stupid "meme's". So bare with me while I waste a few minutes on this crap!!!

This is called “FIRST REACTIONS QUIZ”. You have to type the 1ST thing that comes to mind whenever you hear these 31 things. You can’t think and go back and change your answers.

BEER:
It must be boating season!!!!

McDonalds:
Wednesday's heart attack waiting to happen form the convenient $1 menu

Relationships:
What kind of relationship? Personal, Gay, Business, Platonic?

Power Rangers:
I was more of a Thundercat kid myself.

Steroids:
Help fight Cancer

Cartoons:
I got the beat so everybody dance with me, me, me. The Mighty B!!!

The President:
I hate election year campaign commercials!

Florida:
Seista Key here we come....again & again & again.

Santa Claus:
I've been naughty this year.....as usual!

Halloween:
Theme Costumes w/ TPG & 1st annual Guru Monster Bash!!!!

Alice in wonderland:
I love trippy tea parties & "I'm late....I'm LATE" ~ story of my life sans white bunny suit

Myspace:
blah....time consuming & overrated.

Clowns:
Killer Clowns from Outer Space!!!!

Marriage:
What's mine is MINE & What's yours is OURS!

Paris:
Is she really knocked up~ You read it here FIRST folks!

Patrick:
Star is my favorite moron!

Redheads:
Does that rug match the drapes?

Blondes:
"OMG, her hair was like a level 12!" lmao

One night stands:
I've always liked two night stands in my room!! i like balance...and extra room to put my stuff!!

Donald Trump:
Love the hairrrrrrrrrrrr!

Neverland:
What the best thing about twenty nine year olds?

Pixie:
Stupid childhood hair cut my mom tortured me with!

Vanilla ice cream:
with sprinkles & eyeballs

High School Musical:
Not interested in this AT ALL. I grew up in a different era where this already happened, it's called GREASE.

Pajamas:
are they flame "retarded"? It's the kind I'll buy.

Woody:
Best OSU football coach of all time!!!!

Wet Socks:
I wonder what the shoes smell like?

I put the Wind in the Windy City.....

2008-06-17T13:55:00.003-04:00

Yeah, you heard me! I'm off to Chicago in a few days & I'm damn happy about it too! Don't get me wrong, I'll miss GG tremendously BUT everyone deserves a break once in a while! With that being said.....

Dear TPG,
Your break is officially over as of Thursday 6:00am! While I'm gone it's your responsibility to:

change diapers (even the non-poopy ones)
feed (prepare meals & not drive thru)
bathe (at least once please)
clothe (clean preferably)
brush teeth (3 x per day)
play
bedtime routine

Please also keep in mind that these task are very structured in her daily routine. If you tell her something you're planning to do....she'll help you. This is because I have trained her well, at least better then I have trained you!

I hope that when I return from my much needed, Cosmopolitan drinking, Girlfriends weekend to Chicago that you will be more appreciative of my role as "Mama". Mostly, I hope that both you and GG are alive and healthy because last night I had a dream that she chocked on a chicken wing & then washed it down with a draft beer......at the bar.......wearing hooker boots.......while dancing on a pole......

Dawn, it takes the grease away & it's gentle on your.....

2008-06-13T09:29:00.004-04:00

We have always tried to schedule GG's bath for at least every other day. She loves, LOVES ...... F**KEN LOVES to take a bath! She has always been a water baby, even from her very first bath at the hospital. I don't know where she gets it & we've always said "She just came that way"!

As you know, we are remodeling our main bathroom.....still. We knew it would take a few weeks and we're not a big hurry because we are fortunate enough to have another bathroom, in which I call the half bath despite the fact that it does have a shower but the sink only works about half the time. The stand up shower is a very small, claustrophobic induced 2.5' x 2.5' (at best) stall. I can't complain much because I do have a place of my own to wash my ass everyday....okay ...most days.

Since the remodel began, GG has had to take a shower with me is this very....VERY confined space. It's a real bitch too when I have to shave my legs. I've been resting my foot on her head for that extra leverage I've needed....j/k! Last night I decided I wasn't going to shower with her due to the energy I exert from the tedious task and she is to small to shower alone. This was my solution which turned into a win-win for everyone.

That is until it was time to get out! Please note the bowl was optional. GG insisted on sitting in the bowl & I just didn't really give a damn if she did or not. The continual on/off again water did take it's toll on my nerves but at least she was happy..... and clean ..... which makes me happy!

One day....we shall meet again, My Love!

2008-06-13T08:25:00.006-04:00

I was shopping last night at our local "Meijer" store to pick up a few items for our trip to the Lake this weekend. I suddenly came across the most amazing thing that has ever caught my eye. My attention was drawn to the rack like a child hearing the music of an ice cream truck on a hot summer day!

It was love at first sight! However, I did find the courage & will power to not proceed in purchasing the most unbelievable item I'd ever seen! Not because I didn't WANT too but because of the size selection available. I was fortunate enough to have my camera on me at the time and snap this photo before security escorted my out of the store. You know how those rent-a-cops take their jobs very seriously. I personally believe they thought I worked for their competitor and was on some sort of espionage reconnaissance mission.

Here is the extraordinary find!

I was disappointed that the smallest size available was a 2XL, which did DELAY my purchase at that time. I also felt discriminated against, getting the feeling that apparently only women of larger stature can be considered a goddess to my very public love affair of Garage Sales! I have now spent countless......minutes scowering the internet in search of this very much desired item.....in a size medium! This has also lead me to believe that I may have a small obsession with garage sales and thankfully not flea markets. I can not commit to nurturing an obsession that continues all year long. You see garage sales are seasonal ...............and that has made all the difference!

Damn Hedgeapples.....

2008-06-11T11:49:00.006-04:00

As I described the softball size, ant infested, growing from the trees, weapons of mass destruction, "green ball things" in my last post I discovered they are actually call "Hedgeapples".

Have you ever had a hedgeapple thrown at your head at approximately 40mph? Imagine getting hit by one, the first initial contact knocks you down and then there is the stinging, the instant swelling, next the vibrant colors of bruising set in. Then you finally catch your breath and when you try to stand back up the week long limp begins to become more obvious with each painful step.

Sounds like great fun! Are you up for a game of Hedgeapple War?

South Main Street

2008-06-11T09:50:00.014-04:00

I always knew growing up that I might ..... just not make it! *tear*

There were five other children in my household and all within 5 years in age. It has been my experience with that many kids fighting for a place in the "hierarchy of adolescences", you learn to distinguish yourself rather quickly or you fall into the cracks. Survival of the Fittest, if you will. It is unfortunate to tell you that I was & still am the youngest of these five children and I spent most of my childhood proving to them that I was a big kid too. That also meant I was badly bruised, beat up & tortured ..... A LOT! I know that my childhood absolutely established the foundation and defined my character of today. A character that developed by the guidance of the strongest woman I've ever known, Joann.

It's funny to look back at the nostalgic memories of my early years and wonder ......How The Hell Did I Ever Survive Them?!?!?!?!? Children of today would've never made it down on South Main Street! There is no question about it. The kids of today are soft, sensitive with emotions, disrespectful and out of shape due to this era of technology!

We never had Game boy's , computers or other luxury items such as CABLE! We had each other and we had outside! There were no such things as sunblock, swimming pools, bike helmets or MERCY in the world I grew up in! But there were two things I remember we never ran out of, Imagination and Unsupervision! Probably the most dangerous it nontangiable things you can give a child.....or five of them!

My role in the hierarchy was that of The Guinea Pig. If something needed to be tested for safety purposes, weight restriction or just a good laugh..... well I was the child sacrifice. There was no negotiating, there where no questions asked..... it was my job to complete the task and make sure "everyone" could participate.

By the time my 10th birthday had arrived, I was the victim of stitches, 11 times, all in the head or face region. Never once did I receive stitches in any other part of the body nor did I break a single bone in my body. I guess lacerations and puncture wounds were just my thing.

Injuries of this sort were easily sustained by playing games like:

Let's see if we can fold Kimmy ALL THE WAY up in the hide-away bed.
Let's see if Kimmy can jump off the shed by swinging from the very thin branches of the neighboring berry tree during our "Army Recon" mission.
Let's have Kimmy & Angie (who only played the role of guinea pig for this game & was bigger/stronger/older then I) collect all the softball size, ant infested, growing from the tree, weapons of mass destruction, "green ball things" from the field for the boys, who still continued to wing them at the their opponents, despite the fact our heads were in the line of fire!!! *damn those things hurt*
Let's see if Kimmy can carry me on her shoulders, while I rock back and forth, down a flight of stairs! *thanks for the lovely scar ANGIE!*

All of these games are absolutely and completely true and NOT.....I repeat NOT figments of my imagination! It's been years since I sat down & thought about all of this stuff. I laugh at how dangerous some of these things were & I hope GG never has to play the role of someone's Guinea Pig, that she is smart enough to be the leader & not a sheepish follower.

Then I remember..........these people have KIDS themselves and they are all OLDER then GG! I think it's time to invest in a good helmet & AFLAC!

*the vicious cycle repeats itself*

DIY- Garage Sale

2008-06-10T10:57:00.009-04:00

Do. It. Yourdamnself. Garage. Sale.

So with my lackluster & lazy approach of riding the coat tails of other garage sales......I've decided to once again, have a Woolsie Garage Sale of my own! This is only because of the taste of the profits I received last weekend and my greedy little paws want more....oh and the fact that I already have my shit tagged & ready to sell.

I feel like I have a strange and compelling feeling to complete this task and NOT charge my fellow comrades of the selling stature the 50% apparently not negotiable fee to participate. So if you have some shit to sell, bring it on over to my house the weekend of 7/5 & 7/6. However you do have to have your shit tagged because I'm not doing all the damn work you lazy ass bastards.

***BONUS***
TPG and & are having a big Bash to celebrate our Independence...or something..... the evening of 7/5.....I think I may offer a Blue Light Special at K-guru (lmao!!! like K-mart) for the attending guest. You see they'll think it's a "Party" but it's really a garage sale. Damn I'm like an evil genius or something! I'm still working on the idea, I'll get back to you on that.

Do you have any past experiences or advice on this topic? If so, please share!

The not so BIG event.....

2008-06-10T09:40:00.014-04:00

The 22nd Annual Monroe Community Garage sale was quite a disappointment this year. More of a wash out to be exact!

Due to some rather predictable circumstances with the BIGWOOD's during the renegotiations of the 50% participation fee , I felt obligated to REPO my shit and sell it else where. I'd like to give a huge shout out of gratitude to Jenni & her family for taking me in past the last minute but most importantly....for helping me repossess my shit like a lost 80's episode of Super Market Sweep! We were in and out in less then two minutes flat, in the pouring rain, collecting tables & totes of my useless shit for what could have been called a training op for the following organizations (another list) if we had a camera crew:

The Military
Pissed off & Scorned Housewives
Sibling Rivalries.....how to prove YOUR point
The True Meaning of Friendship.......sticking with your bestie

and saving the best for last

5. How to repossess your shit with class

Now, I'm sure that none of the following organizations are actually real with the exception of the Military........but if they were, well we could teach them a thing or two! Hell, I be a member of most of them but only if they had establishments that offered cheap beer, crappy cover bands, smoking & fashionable membership attire or jewelry.

As for the actual garage sale, well the long day of rainy weather deterred most of the shoppers but definitely NOT The crazy ones. We had a wonderful experience with a gentlemen who I would say was nothing less then a "Solider of Christ". We saw him coming as far as a county mile in his Jesus Saves & Died for You NEON GREEN redemption t-shirt. He ran through our sale so fast you would have thought Jesus himself was coming!!! After sharing a brief but VERY awkward conversation with this man of Christ, he wanted to know where all the guns & knives were at? We politely explained that we didn't have items of that sort to sell but we would gladly offer him the our microwave or the like new straight jacket, all at discounted prices!!!

This event was scheduled to run through the entire weekend but by the time Sunday rolled around.....we had already closed the shop down for good! It was to hot & humid, which also deterred customer from shopping and damn it......we just didn't want to do again!

My total earnings for BIG event = $0.00
Spending the day with Jenni & the next best thing to Jesus = PRICELESS

I need an intervention for INTERVENTION

2008-06-09T15:03:00.007-04:00

At least that's what The Pepsi Guy told me yesterday when I prepared to watch the 5 "surprise" episodes I found on our DVR! I call them "surprise" episodes because they magically appeared overnight for my Sunday viewing pleasure. It was like I had won a free bonus gift from the Lancome counter, or better yet, the Ohio Lottery (which is usually millions & millions of dollars).

The anticipation of my favorite documentary series "Intervention" on A&E is often more then I can handle for a Monday evening. I first realized there could be a problem/"addiction" (as they would say) when a few weeks ago......Memorial Day to be exact, when the show didn't air & I almost lost my ever-loving mind! Now if you personally know me, this is probably very hard for you to understand because prior to owning DVR I basically watched ZERO television for myself, unless you include Noggin or Spongebob which I do sometimes enjoy. I've also been known to included Cash Cab on Discovery Channel to my short list of DVR viewings, which also drives TPG completely insane but that's another blog. Using my basic Intervention knowledge and being the detailed list maker that I am, I can justify why I am an "addict".

The emotional high I feel by watching their personal struggles. I laugh, I cry, I get extremely angry....especially when children are involved, I feel overwhelming grief & a sense that I can actually help these crazies.
I feel like an Adult when I watch these episodes because GG is peacefully sleeping in her bed & I have a few moments of uninterrupted television with control over the remote.
It just makes me feel better about myself & my life and I suppose I feel blessed that I am just not that fucked up after all!

You see people who have addiction and not just the drug kind either, all feel many of those same emotions. I'll admit now that I may be in denial now about my "Intervention" needs but when it starts to interfere with my daily life & I quit doing the things I need to be doing....like changing baby diapers, then please call 1-800-662-HELP and let them read this post. I'm sure they'll know exactly what to with My Kind!
In the meanwhile here is a show schedule for the upcoming season, which starts June 16th, 2008.

Season 4 YEAH........I can't WAIT!!!!!!!

(not) Shakin what my Mama gave me.....

2008-06-06T10:18:00.003-04:00

What the hell has happened to me!!!!!!!

I haven't been to Zumba for the last two classes! I think I'm starting to see a reoccurring pattern even after just 3 failed fitness attempts (I missed one day last week too).

We dance 3 nights a week.....well, we used to dance 3 nights a week up until recently. I love, Love, LOVE....F**KING LOVE Zumba! I suppose I could sit here on my increasing growing fat ass and make up a few excuses.

bathroom remodel (good one)
the 98 degree temperature
i'm flat out LAZY

Even though all of these statements are completely true, none of them make good excuses for missing a great workout.

I pledge to you, my faithful reader(s) (hi jenni) that I shall stay committed to shaking my fat, sweaty, zumba loving ass for the agreed three weekly session. No if, ands, or fat butt's about it!

Starting Tuesday at 7:30 I plan to shake what my mama gave me!

I'm so glad to get that off my conscience. That annoying sound of my thighs rubbing together was really starting to beat down my self esteem.

OH NO.....The Woolsie's ARE COMING!!!!!!

2008-06-05T11:13:00.011-04:00

Do you remember The Woolsie's? Well......they're coming & there's NO STOPPING THEM!!!

I must admit that I'm just a little over joyed about their arrival for The Big Event!

Yes, Finally.......we welcome back the 22nd Annual Community-Wide Garage Sale to the City of Monroe. And you know how The Woolsie's love garage sales! They'll be EVERY WHERE, not to mention packing their shoeless, dirty children.....all with different daddies to the weekend long event.

I myself am not a "legal" resident in the City of Monroe. We live in the neighboring sister city of Middletown. However, I am alumni of the high school, I am employed within the city limits so I also pay the outrageous taxes but I have no place of my own to sell these fools my useless crap. I am very fortunate to have my older Brother & his family living in the sponsored city. So the "Bigwood's" have granted me permission to participate in their garage sale (for a small fee of 50% of my earning (in which I suggested but will later try to renegotiate)).....I get my very own table & everything !!!! TPG even offered to donate Pepsi products for us to sell to our shopping patrons during the hot temperatures of the weekend and mostly because I already told you.....this is A BIG EVENT!

This is very exciting to me for several reasons.

I'll get to sale my crap and act like a Woolsie
I'll get to see REAL LIFE Woolsie's
I have nothing better to do on a 98 degree Saturday afternoon

Don't worry, I'll try my best to contain my excitement long enough to snap a few photographs for the purposes of this blog and absolutely not my own personal use! Geeez, I'm not going to scrapbook the event or something...... I have better things to do......you know, like write my BLOG!

Because it's my damn blog.........

2008-06-05T09:12:00.006-04:00

And I'll blog if I want too!

I really wanted to post this yesterday but because of my procrastination character flaw, I just simply DIDN'T!

I want to give a big (late) Birthday shout out to my girl Jenni, who now claims to be "30'ish"

Most importantly and clearly stated, It's my damn blog and I can post funny pictures of you if I want to!!! I'm not real sure what Jenni could possibly be thinking so intently about but there is a good chance it could be s'mores because that bitch is crazy about s'mores!

So ................Happy Damn Birthday you S'mores Loving Bitch!

So they call me the "Procrastinating Perfectionist"

2008-06-04T13:50:00.006-04:00

I like to call myself a "Procrastinating Perfectionist". It's the best way I can explain the way I live my life. Unfortunate, I know but it's just the way I am. I have tried many times to change this "character flaw" but I have been nothing short of unsuccessful in my attempts of personal growth.

Here's a perfect example of my aforementioned statement, with the exception of the perfection so maybe it's just laziness.

TPG and I have planned for months and months to completely gut and remodel our master bathroom. We have a wonderful friend, I'll call Skinny who is doing the work for a fair price of practically nothing. In return, Skinny has asked us to do a little homework on the project to help ensure the process of the remodel is smooth & easy. However TPG & I didn't do our homework or any of the things that were asked of us & now we feel like ass-clowns!

Skinny wanted us to do the following:

take before pictures
pick out the materials (we started this one until GG acted like an asshole at Lowe's)
select paint & flooring
arrange for assistance with the tub install/leveling (original plans fell through, called in back up)
have little or no expectations of perfection

It should be pretty obvious as to which of the listed chores I pretty much have under control! I believe in this particular situation that I have such low expectations ahead of time because the bathroom is already such a "shit hole" that any changes is bound to be an improvement!

Skinny is at the house now ripping the existing bath structure to shreds. TPG said he confident that Skinny is also wearing a pair of my thong panties on his head as a sweat band. Probably as retaliation for the lack of preparation on our part.

On a positive note, I hope to post pictures of our new lavatory very soon.

In case I FORGET to mention......

2008-06-02T13:53:00.002-04:00

I'm BACK!!!!!!

In glorious BIGWOOD-Guru fashion, I though I would make the announcement & throw myself a HUGE blogging party! (this is actually a joke and a very funny but loooooong story)

As you can see, I started this blogging thing a while back and then just said "to hell with it" after I had zero readers. Yeah, that's right....you heard me.....ZERO! So I've decided to try it all over again and if you don't read my blog this time then you have no chance to defend yourself against my verbal assaults......and damn you to hell....you illiterate bastards!

So for those who are on board with this blog & especially for those who can read.............
Let's bust of the champagne, cigars and party like it's 1999! Because I'm back BITCHES!

I won 263 million dollars.....

2007-10-10T16:34:00.005-04:00

I officially have one hour and thirty one minutes until this "work" day is over……did I also mention that I don't have a damn thing to do?

Inspired Blog………….Random Train of Thought…….aka: RToT (Unedited)

Here we go……………okay this could get a little scary because I have a strange way of thinking but I wonder if anyone one ever reads my blog post or what they must think of me, not that I really care what people think but some feed back would be nice …or would it just piss me off? Hmmm…I should check eBay to see if I won my third auction of the day. I fKen hate ebay because I can't stop from buying crap all the time, good thing I started to sell the crap I bought on ebay back to those other fools. I made $70.01 yesterday……too bad I spent most of it already…….so much for saving for vacation. At least it's not CraigsList! DAMN IT! Ebay email telling me I WON the auction…please hold. Got to piss away some more money. Okay so I just paid a whole $1.26 item (300157801111) a 5 MUNCHKIN SEA SQUIRTS BATH TOYS. NEW/SEALED. Bath toys for GG……..just what she needs, another reason to stay in the tub longer & prune up, I love it when she sticks her face in the water to blow bubbles. It's cold today and the leaves are starting to fall, duh it's FALL. I like colored leaves, they are kinda stinky though, dead things usually do smell………DEAD. This weather is perfect to burn some st! My chair is super squeaky……and annoying, OH YEAH…… I can squeak to "Smoke on the Water"……that's kinda cool and still annoying. I wonder who I can piss off on The Voice today. Those people fricken hate me…… bunch of losers on there, they really have no life…… "Instead of calling my buddy on a cell I think I'll write some stupid s**t on the community blog and think I'm funny but I'm REALLY SO LAME". They should just have a big 80's themed orgy and get it over with it all ready. I think I'll start a new post called "Who's cumming with me! 80's Orgy!!!" I bet that's gonna be a HOTT topic. I can't believe BIGWOOD is 31 today…31 WOW…MMM cake! If I wear a Professional Wrestler, my finishing move would be to smash cake in my opponents face and the lick it off. They could call me Betty Rocker because I would SOOOOO Rock! I bet Rich Franklin would look good in cake! I am so frickin bored! I think I might just die if I search the internet for just one more second. Is it possible that I have completely traveled the internet super highway? Why do these people keep calling for the Parts Dept???? Quit breaking your shit you stupid construction people………"Smoke on the Water…fire in the skyyyyyy" That song rocks! Watch it be stuck in my head the rest of this forever long day.I won 263 million dollars.....I won 263 million dollars.....I won 263 million dollars.....I won 263 million dollars.....I wish that really happened...stupid dream!

So I managed to kill about 30 minutes of this useless junk of writing. I have also debated posting this but………no one reads this crap anyway …right? RIGHT!

So now I have an hour.....Challenge me to a game of Pocket Pool.....anyone, anyone?

Good Girl.....not so much!

2007-10-08T13:23:00.002-04:00

Our sweet little Kendall is growing up so quickly! It's funny to watch her learn new things every day………..especially now that she is really discovering her "boundaries". Most of you who spend a lot of time with us understand that Kendall has a rather extensive vocabulary for a 14 month old and everyday she is saying new things.

She dropped her pumpkin the other day & I swear I thought she said "damn it!".

So now we are putting two words together like "Thank You" or "Bye Daddy" or "No Maggie" but more recently…….. "Good Girl".

I understand the meaning of the words Good Girl to be – "A Girl who is Good"

Somewhere the definition of this particular phrase she been mistranslated to my Daughter.

This morning I was getting ready for work. Kendall has some strange fascination with our bathrooms……the toilets to be more specific. I stepped out of the bathroom for only a few moments….I spy on Kendall as she is dancing to The Wiggles. I know in the back of my mind she is waiting for me to make my move. I step into the bedroom to slip on my clothes & suddenly I hear her little mischievous giggle (the one where she knows it's wrong but continues to do it anyway & can't stop laughing because it's so much fun to be bad!). So I rush into the bathroom to find Kendall…..once AGAIN…… splashing a toy (luckily not my phone)…… armpit deep in toilet water! When she sees me her laughter becomes louder & no longer disguised…….. the splashes become tsunami like. **There was actually a brief moment that I thought I may have given birth to Ursula from Disney's The Little Mermaid** . So I snatch her up kicking & STILL giggling as I wash her up in the sink. I'm telling Kendall NO in my firm Mommy Voice and then she turns to me so sweetly, looks into my eyes & says "Good Girl". I try to reason with her & tell her only Bad Girls & Boys play in the toilets……all along she continues to babble "Good Girl".

Fast forward………..30 minutes

I'm getting ready to walk out the door & I swoop Kendall up for a good bye kiss. She babbles with me for a few minutes telling me "Bye-Bye" & "Go". Suddenly she poked me it the eye & said "Eye"….I didn't even SEE it coming!!!! Now remember these are the same little fingers that were just playing in the toilet. My eyeis now starting to water & I grab a tissue …….she starts frantically YELLING, "GOOD GIRL, GOOD GIRL". I believe she knew she hurt me & really felt bad about it. So I kiss her some more & tell her Yes, Good Girl & she gave me a hug. It was really sweet!

I think we're going to start working on "Keeping your poky fingers to yourself"……or "Where's Daddy's Eye".........possibly "Sorry" Those sound like fun to me!